It Gets Better
by redvelvetjade
Summary: Remember Me As A Unicorn...Dedicated to All the LGTB youth who have lost their way..You will Be Remembered..Cam..Coming to terms with who you are is never easy but It Gets better you just have to hold on Can Carly and Sam? strong Language, sexual acts.
1. Chapter 1 Fake

**It Gets Better **

**Fake**

**Freddie's P.O.V**

**[A/N]- Yes I do own iCarly in fact I own the whole network Nickelodeon I am super rich and live in Hollywood hills with a maid and butler and money coming out my pores which is why I am sitting here writing fanfiction...cause it's so much better then seeing my stories on Tv...if u believe that you need help..seriously go seek it now..cause all glory of iCarly goes to the awesome Dan Schneider... **

" _I'm the Cheese! _The blond demon Aka Sam Puckett fired into the Camera Lens as she spread her arms out wide dancing in front of the camera. As our other best friend the beautiful Carly Shay grinned and wiggled her sexy hips. Swaying to the beat of the music that was playing in the back-round.

After a minute she jumped in front of Sam who was dancing around all wild and yelled..

_I'm the bread!_

She danced by Sam who was pumping her arms up and down as she jumped like she was a rocker playing air Guitar and pretending to whip someone it was quite a sight let me tell you right now. Carly bumped hips with her as they manged to turn at the same time at the exact angle. Together they looked into the lens Sam's hair was wild her face flushed as she panted while Carly's Hair still looked perfectly arranged and she appeared barely winded. Looking at Sam from the corner of her eyes Carly smiled as they both shouted out.

_Together we are a grilled Cheese Sand-which!_

Sam pressed a remote that made sizzling sounds as they started flopping around like they were being grilled.

_Delicious And Crunchy what more can you want ?_

Sam asked very seriously while Carly interjected

_Parents will love us cause were nutritious._

Sam grunted ..

_Who cares what parents think their lame were greasy and cheesy add some meaty were hearty to..like Some Black Forest Ham and Some Bolivian bacon ..or both yummy.._

Sam's eyes took on a far away look as she stood there picturing this in her mind a devilish smile appearing on her face. 

_Um Sam we don't want our viewers to have a heart attack before they reach puberty,_

Carly and Sam started a debate over this in front of the camera. I changed positions so I could get this on film from different view points. Brad operated the laptop as Wendy directed me where to go when to stop. Brad pressed a button and on the green screen showed a rhino in a tutu dancing on the empire state building eating a grilled cheese.

_That wraps this episode of random food debates stay tuned next we have Gibby showing us why it is never, I repeat NEVER a good idea to eat Tuna fish while swimming in a shark tank!_

Carly yelled as Sam looked at her replying.

_Who does that kind of stuff anyway Carl's?_

_Only a Gibby Sam _

_Oh and in case you've been asleep under a moldy old rock on the planet DUH this is.._

_[ Both Girls shouted] iCarly The greatest web-show of all the greatest web-shows!_

_We said EVER! _

_I think they get it Sam.._

_I'm Carly for those of you still lost on planet Duh.._

_And I'm Sam.._

_For those super hard die for us fans we are Cam!_

Carly took her hand away from hitting the camera she had a very serious look on her face again.

_What are you cackling about over there nub? _

_Sam be nice_

_Sam never learned how to be nice Carly she was locked up the day the teacher taught the kindergarten class about manners .._

_Freddie be nice_

_Freddie doesn't have a brain to be nice his mom spent too much of his pathetic childhood washing him with anti-bacteria bath-wash and it washed all the brains out but left him with plenty of stupid._

_Sam that was uncalled for_

_No it is never uncalled for Carly it's my American right Freedom of speech and all that jazz_

_I don't think that's what freedom of speech means Sam_

_Good cause no one asked you nub_

Carly sighed as she rolled her eyes while Sam and I kept bickering.

_To end this special iCarly the last one of freedom.._

_Aw Sam it's not that bad.._

_Yes Carly yes it is tomorrow kids we have to go back into that prison the adults call school_

_To show you how much I hate this I have prepared a special song for you_

Sam took a deep breath she seemed really nervous today I wasn't sure why she had rapped before but then I thought of it she didn't say rap what was she going to do . I looked at Carly who shrugged watching her closely she was clueless as well usually she knew what Sam was going to do she didn't like surprises. Sam's mouth opened and I gasped she was going to sing her eyes closed as she started..

_Back to School it's just not cool_

_Take me out to the movies take me to the zoo just please don't make me go_

_Go Back to school uh no I don't need no so called teacher to teach me_

_Get this straight playtime is over I ain't here to play the good girl no more_

_Pull up that skirt fix that shirt follow the rules see Sam if you do as I say you will go far_

_Please I am going far beyond the stars I don't need no rules to tell me who I am or who I will be_

_I know who I am and you will acknowledge_

_So listen up I will only spit it once_

_This is my autobiography all me 100% all the time_

_Daddy was tripping swearing his love and allegiance to the wrong ones Damn I still miss ya_

_But see you left me with a precious gift you taught me through the pain and the struggles_

_To wade my way through the stifles of life I had to be strong I had to keep it real_

_Saw too many things more then any little girl should know 'bout Daddy wasn't around to protect me_

_Momma in the kitchen getting high where was I to turn?_

_Hold it down wait shh make no sound...Silence just the way I want it..._

_Daddy I still remember you swore you loved me forever you whispered promises in the wind to me_

_Young and innocent I waited and waited but you never showed_

_Now I'm older and I know the reason _

_You can't help it if you got locked down bars of steel keep you from reaching _

_Me the full potential of your words reach out and gut me cuz_

_I know I am your daughter sins of the father they scorch more then just the son_

_Sometimes I just want to know _

_What was I meant to be to you?_

_Why would you have me just to use me, tease me, hit me, hurt me what did I do to you?_

_12 years later I can still hear the words behind closed doors the family war rages on and on _

_Oh it's hopeless to wish it away _

_Four years old and I know that life in this house it just ain't right_

_Momma and Daddy why can't you just put down the bottles and see you have two reasons to live in front of you.._

_This is real this is me I am begging you pleading with you_

_No lies no whispers of forever just me I can only be who I was born to be I can't fake it_

_Please Answer me Why _

_Why have me if you only meant to leave me behind_

_Your chasing demons disguised by rainbows can't you see this life won't lead you anywhere Positive _

_You tell me stay in school study hard and go far how am I suppose to learn when everywhere I turn is littered with deceit and lies? _

_You disgust me I tried every way to hate you but my heart still breaks _

_I remember every slap every word of dis test you spit at me please Mother .._

_Put down the liquid _**_Tylenol_**_ you don't need to dull the pain life ain't that bad _

_What made you so bitter and hateful? I was your baby girl how could you hate your own child?_

_So young when the pain came too young to understand life just wasn't how it was suppose to be_

_Go to school follow the rules hide the pain and whisper lies like I'm okay _

_It became a routine one I followed the rules for to a T everyone knows don't mess with me Puckett she's the biggest the Baddest the strongest ..the toughest ...nothing can break me..._

_I break the rules that were meant to be unbroken..._

_A rebel is what I was known to be but in this game I learned quick to break your rules it it is to lose everything.._

_Your heart is frozen and I can't find the sword to break the spell this drug has on you_

_Years have gone by and I learned that no matter how hard I try some things are just not meant to be._

_Sometimes I just want to know _

_What was I meant to be to you?_

_Why would you have me just to use me tease me hit me hurt me what did I do to you?_

_Your chasing demons disguised as rainbows I try to reach you but your so far away_

_If I whisper I'm okay will anyone take the time to look beyond the words see inside past the lies?_

_The answer is no _

_I am so good at these lies fake words become reality _

_I find the ways to dull the pain I see beyond the prison you call my home so am I really faking it when I say I'm okay?_

_These walls of institutional learning which once gave me freedom from my prison _

_Have turned on me through the pain I learned I have to be me I can't fake it let everyone know who I am.. even if they hate me _

_The words leave my lips I didn't even know _

_I was going to revel it to the world now _

_I am stuck with this callous mistake but can't you just remember _

_I am the same girl I was yesterday the one you swore you would love forever and forever ..were you just whispering promises in the wind?_

_You think I don't see I can't hear the words you whisper past me the wind carries your words down these hallow school halls.._

_Footprints on my heart leading me to the water drink it let it swallow me can I ever get out from under?_

_Be strong and don't show them what they do don't look at what they blog it won't hurt whispers I promise myself in the wind …_

_They don't know every night I wonder why me what did I do to make you love me leave me tease me _

_Reject me?_

_Your chasing demons disguised as rainbows_

_Walls of escape become my new cell block and I want so bad to escape _

_I'm wearing black and purple today to show you how your words hurt me haunt me in my sleep but damn it do you even care?_

_Am I just chasing rainbows? Are your demons catching up to me? _

_I can't be anyone but who I was born to be how dare you try to silence me..._

_You ask me am I the tough girl who never cries or is this just another lie?_

_Why can't I be both? Tough girls don't cry? Lie …it takes more courage to admit defeat then it does to _

_Smile and say I'm okay but is it defeat to be who I am? _

_Real or fake you decide before I can open my eyes_

_So I'm through living for you I am sick of it all_

_I pledge allegiance to me_

_Not chasing rainbows anymore I am going to be the biggest the baddest rainbow you ever saw_

_Love me hate me tease me take me forsake me it's your choice _

_I'm just saying I'm through with the fake lies I'm gonna be me and I'm gonna live for me... _

_I was Born this way love me hate me I am who I was born to be..._

Two hours later after the show ended we had cleaned up .Wendy , Brad had gone home the four of us were collapsed on the bean bag chairs. I was facing the door fighting off a yawn as I watched Sam and Carly who were sharing a bean bag facing me. Carly had a laptop balanced on her knee. Her left arm was wrapped around Sam's waist. I was staring at Sam still amazed by her song.

_Hey guys we got some comments about today's web-show _

_Really what do they say Fredduccine?_

_What's with the food references tonight Sam? It's worse then usual.._

_I'm starving nubwad Mom didn't buy food again she keeps blaming the damn cat cause it won't get a job._

_Why?_

_Cause she heard about this new surgery to remove warts so she flew to La to check into it.._

_Ew.._

Carly made a face as Sam sighed fooling with her rainbow bracelet ..

_I know right makes me think just thinking about it..gross.._

_Okay that's just sick Sam as if any of us needed or wanted that imagine to take to bed tonight ..So what's with the comments Freddie feel free to hold back with all the comments about how awesome everyone thinks I am._

_No need Gibby you already think so highly of yourself as is we couldn't compare.._

_I know it's a curse my man someday maybe you will know how awesome this power is.._

_I won't hold my breath on that ever coming true Gibby_

_Please do Sam it will be a bonus the day it happens cause you won't be here to ruin it_

_Guys really can you quit fighting for one night?_

Sam glared at me.

_Well without further stonewalling.._

_Stonewalling geez Freddie and you wonder why you get picked on geek_

_Shut up Sam_

_Be nice_

Carly hit her arm.

_Read it Freddie.._

_Okay our first comment comes from ixoicarly: omg I love iCarly Carly you and Sam rock so hard! You two would be so cute together wake up Carly and come out to play for the right team!_

_Wow vocal child _

I muttered

_I would say so kind of true though Carly I mean you are smoking hot!_

_Aw Gibby _

_Well it's true Cupcake _Sam replied touching her nose as Carly blushed.

_You know my view _I grinned at Carly who blushed rolling her eyes snuggling closer to Sam.

_Off subject I know sorry but it's true you are Gorgeous Carly and Sam your well.._

_I'm what Gibby?_

Sam sat up straighter her face going from a relaxed calm to a blushing shade of angry red she clenched her fist. Gibby swallowed looking around nervously. I held my head down he was toast and I couldn't help him now.

Carly sighed shaking her head.

_Well what I meant to say was.._

_Spit it out Gibby_

Sam growled. Gibby coughed looking around.

_I mean not everyone can be beautiful like Carly some girls are more plain I guess ..er..manly ...Coming Mom!_

Gibby ran screaming just as Sam hands grabbed him shoving him to the ground .

_Sam stop your going to hurt him!_

Carly pulled her off as Sam tried to fight her off.

_That's the point Carlotta _

I helped Carly by pulling her back he ran crying.

_You owe Mrs. Gibson for the extra hours of therapy that boy is going to need now._

Carly scolded Sam as she helped her up dusting her off. Sam shrugged popping Candy in her mouth.

_Sam where did you get that from?_

_Found them.._

Slowly Carly spoke as if she was speaking to a two year old child . Carly placed her hand over Sam's mouth making her spit it out. Sam looked at her confused.

_I found them in the same spot I left them..under the floor boards.._

_Sam when did you hide Candy down there Ew that's gross .._

_I don't know maybe two three..._

_What? Days? Sam that's..._

_No months but don't worry their okay see they grow this extra cover to protect themselves till I can eat them.._

I looked closer the cover she was talking about was a slimy fuzzy green discolored coating.

_Sam that's not a cover that's mold!_

_Shut-up Benson you know that I know what you think I don't know_

_Huh?_

_Your mommy's a nurse I'm sure crazy told you all about penicillin it treats illness so it won't cause it.._

_Sam No!_

Carly knocked the candy right out of Sam's hands. She gasped which was followed by a pout making me laugh.

_Sam no not the hair!_

I grunted as she pulled me by the hair.

_Sam be gentle _

Carly yelled as I was forcefully dragged out of the room. Carly followed sighing.

_What what a shocker here comes Freddie and Sam_

_Hi Spencer_

Sam shoved me into Spencer who was balancing on Stilts we both fell .

_She's not right in the head _

_You just figured this out Freddie wow your nubbier then I thought_

_Hey guys stop playing on the floor your both to old to play G.I Joe check out these comments._

_Read this one guys_

_Readings too much work_

_Oh Sam.._

Carly laughed ruffling her hair as Sam just shrugged and grinned.

Scrolling down she came to the comments she wanted us to see. I stood behind her my lower half pressed to her back. I could smell her sweet vanilla scented lotion and feel her ribs let me tell you being this close to her did things to my lower half that were defiantly immoral.

_Hey Frednoodle _

_Yea Puke Bucket?_

_Ow!_

She shoved me so hard I fell and lost my balance landing against the wall.

_Sam!_

_What I can't help it if he's not Fred Astaire_ _he tripped over his untied shoes while staring down your shirt!_

She looked so innocent..

Carly looked between both of us and I could see in her eyes she believed her.

I held up my hands _I wasn't I swear Sam's .._

_Sam's What Benson?_

Sam Growled

_Dare you to say something nub?_

Sam punched her closed fist into her other open palm as she glared at me.

_Nothing uh why don't we read those comments Carly..._

_Save the princess here from straining her eyes how you passed the 1 st grade is beyond my comprehension._

_Ow!_

_Suddenly it all became clear I remember that accident Mrs. Riter had with her car not stopping and the Police saying her brake lines were cut...funny the day grades were suppose to be handed out then delayed the next week they were corrected due to a glitch in the system they said" _

_I can't help fate..._

Sam shrugged as I rubbed my shin where she had kicked me hard.

_You can't prove nothing man my lawyer has made sure of that._

I arched a eye brow as Carly giggled.

_First comment.._

_iCarlyRQueens: iCarly Rocks Thank you Sam for being so brave and showing us all that colors are something to wear with pride and not to be hidden away Rainbows are meant to shine!_

_Oh god Sam as a role model god help us all now_

_Ow she just kicked my other shin_

I looked at Carly who just sighed

_You get that this is wrong right?_

_Well you kind of asked for it Freddie I mean you know whenever you insult her she hurts you and yet you keep insulting her.._

_Insanity I told you it runs in the Benson Family_

_Hey Spencer!_

_Be nice kids it's late and I am tired and Spencer is doing his I gotta go potty dance but he wants to hear these comments so I have to read fast._

_Anything for you kid.._

_JustMe: Hey Sam gr8 web-show 2nite you sparkled as bright as ever the comedy gods are loving you, thank you for showing us you can be out and proud and still be successful you are my idol and you and Lady GaGa give me hope. Please Read my blog later it would mean so much _

_.com/blog/rainbowsrbrighterwhenyousmile** [A/N Real Website I made]**_

_Thanks Fan Forever Jamie..H_

_Aw Jamie is so sweet Sam and he really looks up to you I'm so proud of you_

Carly hugged her making Sam blush she was unusually quiet . Resting her head on Carly's shoulder.

_There must be something wrong with him if he looks up to you loser.._

_Just read more comments Carly I think I wanna read his blog in private..._

_Kay _

_Juliaisthechiz: iCarly sucks rocks and you losers need a life if you think this dyke is funny she's _

_Whacked out and needs help maybe a good f.. and she'll be straightened out.._

_JakeBaby: Hi iCarly Cru wassup? Gr8 show keep rocking Julia you ain't the chiz go away_

_JennyP: I wish I went to your school!_

_Marc: Carly your beautiful Marry me!_

_MattBennett: I cracked up when Gibby's eyes went wide and he cried out Don't eat Gibby" "Gibby loves fish "Love the Gibby!_

_AshleaPrincess4eva: Nevel's site is so stupid and he's a liar iCarly rocks and Sam and Carly are just perfect together!_

What did these people think that if they pushed hard enough they would confess their undying love to one another?

_GaGa4iCarly: Thanks For showing us it's okay to be who you are Carly you are so sweet and you follow the rules but your still cool that's awesome you show us by being real you can have it all we don't need to pretend to be someone who we aren't to fit in. Your just so real that It helps me when I feel like I have to be this fake person to impress my friends. I think about you and I keep it real. Cause it's so much cooler to be real then to live a fake life all it is one big lie and lies destroy lives. _

_Why Thank you GaGa4iCarly _Carly giggled as Sam ruffled her arm. I handed them soda's.

_Sam you are so different then Carly in every way you are rude and obnoxious brass and crude vulgar at times and wild. You go out of your way to break the rules you don't care what anyone thinks about you ..most people find this annoying but I love it cuz it's refreshing to see someone who isn't trying to be fake to fit in Hollywood. Together you two just work never lose sight of this we are all born this way for a reason. Some are born to make the rules , Some are born to change the rules some are born to make a difference , Some are born to help others make their mark. Some people are born to travel some are born rich some are born to just stay in the same place and raise families have a good job others are born to teach . White, Black, Asian, gay , straight, bi , trans we are all beautiful and we are great the way we were born. iCarly shows me that it's cool to be zany and crazy we can be proud if we have a freaky talent we can be proud if we don't as long as we love ourselves. _

_You saved my life guys so – Thanks GaGa4iCarly out..Sincerely Jamey M_

_Marty: Hey Geek yea you GaGa4iCarly what are you a homo? If so please do us all a favor and kill yourself the world needs less freaks. No one here will miss you..iCarly is lame and that Sam chick is a dirty …_

_Whoa bad word alert rude! _Carly muttered to herself.

_Kevin: Dito to what Marty said he said it all you the man _

_Kyle: I love dykes man they are the best f...s _

_JustMe: Why all the negativity hey if you don't like iCarly here's a gr8 idea shove off and stop hanging out on the iCarly site losers.._

_Kevin: Go to hell homo lover you ugly as a dog's butt and your freckles remind me of a race track so _

_make like a NASCAR and race straight to hell with all the other freaks.._

_Marty: Maybe GaaGa4iCarly and JustMe should hook up and go jump off a bridge together.._

_Juliaisthechiz: I would be the first to celebrate! Maybe Sam should join them she is the freakiest of all of them who does she think she is? Ellen or Rupaul? She looks like a man acts like a trucker. Looks like a hooker...she's stupid at least Carly is pretty and smart what does Sam have going for her?_

Sam was shaking so hard I could feel her tremors through my pants and shirt. Slowly I reached over placing my hand on her shoulder. Carly was openly crying as Sam was struggling to breathe. She was chocking Spencer looked from all 3 of us not sure what to say.

_Sam baby are you okay?_

She never answered she just span and ran straight from the room. We were shocked for a moment then we snapped out of it and ran after her but for a girl who hates physical activity she could sure as heck run.

As we searched all our normal spots I couldn't help but feel so much pain for Sam she might cause me physical agony and future mental illness on a daily basis. Still I loved her she was just being Sam she was who she was and she was never fake about it. Who the hell were these kids to judge her?

I was worried she was never gone this long. Where could she be? Was she okay? I prayed she didn't get locked up again.

After 4 hours we went back Spencer was frantic my Mom was on the phone with the police. Carly was crying in my arms she had convinced herself Sam had hurt herself why I had no idea. I could never see her doing that Sam was tough she was a fighter. It's just how she was born and no one could break her..could they?

Yet didn't we all have a breaking point at some point isn't that what makes us human? Wouldn't Carly know her better then anyone? She was her best friend for over 8 years she knew every secret every fact every little thing about Sam. That's why they worked so well together ..


	2. Chapter 2 Cotton Candy Hair

**Cotton Candy Hair**

**Freddie's P.O.V**

" _Maybe we should ..Sam!_

Carly yelled out cutting me off jumping up as Sam walked through the door she was a lot calmer now her face looked distant like she wasn't really with us her eyes still held that sparkle but it was dimmer.

Carly was all over her in a instant crying and holding her Sam came to life as she held Carly rocking her slightly whispering that she was fine and just needed time to chill. Which didn't stop Carly from punching her lips onto Sam's checks.

_Come on in Baby My god _

_I was so worried about you are you okay?_

_Carl's Chill I'm okay really _

_Take your Coat off let me get you some hot coca _

_Sounds yummy Spencer thanks..._

Spencer was sweating and shaking as he skipped over to the kitchen my mom was getting off the phone with the police as Carly pulled Sam's Coat off then her hat my jaw dropped.

Mom froze and Carly gasped..

_Sam your mom will flip!_

I blinked to adjust as she grinned her once long curly blond hair was now straight and looked like a rainbow every strand was a different color Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue , Indigo, Violet.

Spencer jumped up and down like a excited school girl while Carly tried not to choke and my mom started screaming.

_What in the blazes of sanity would possess you to do such a disgraceful foolish thing with your beautiful hair! _

_I swear you have no common sense child!_

_You look like a cotton candy clown!_

Carly looked at me and I looked at her we both snickered Sam just sat there looking at my mom like she couldn't care less which she probably didn't.

_You are just asking for trouble you stupid little girl_

_I don't get what it is with you kids today!_

_Look Crazy it's my hair just let it go your not my mother_

_No cause no kid of mine would step foot into my house with that …_

She waved her hand in Sam's direction shaking her head.

_Way to express yourself Sam this will sure make a impression on the first day of our last year._

_That's the point nub_

_What your trying to be a even bigger freak then you already are!_

_It's not enough that you brought shame to all of us by being.._

_Being what crazy? Say it already.._

_I will not what you are doing is a sin and you should be ashamed.._

_Mom that's enough it's time for you to go.._

_I will not be told what to do Fredward Benson you are the child I am the parent_

_Well your not mine so I don't have to listen to you.._

Sam got up and snatched a Peppy Cola out of the fridge pumping up the radio as her and Spencer started to dance while I ushered my mom out..

_**"Hair**_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, whoa_

_Whenever I'm dressed cool  
>My parents put up a fight<br>(Uh huh, uh huh)  
>And if I'm hot shot<br>Mom will cut my hair at night  
>(Uh huh, uh huh)<em>

_And in the morning  
>I'm short of my identity<br>(Uh huh, uh huh)  
>I scream Mom and Dad<br>Why can't I be who I wanna be?  
>(Uh huh, uh huh) to be<em>

_I just wanna be myself  
>And I want you to love me for who I am<br>_

_I just wanna be myself  
><em>

_And I want you to know, I am my hair_

_[Chorus:]  
>I've had enough, this is my prayer<br>That I'll die living just as free as my hair  
>I've had enough, this is my prayer<br>That I'll die living just as free as my hair  
>I've had enough, I'm not a freak<br>I'm just here trying to stay cool on the streets  
>I've had enough, enough, enough<br>And this is my prayer, I swear  
>I'm as free as my hair<br>I'm as free as my hair  
>I am my hair, I am my hair<em>

_[x2:]  
>Free as my hair, hair, hair<br>Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair  
>Hair, hair, hair<br>Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair_

_Sometimes I waltz around  
>Put on red highlights<br>Just because I want my friends  
>To think I'm dynamite<em>

_And on Friday rocks in  
>High school dance<br>I got my bangs to hide  
>That I don't stand a chance, a chance<em>

_I just wanna be myself  
>And I want you to love me for who I am<br>I just wanna be myself  
>And I want you to know, I am my hair<em>

_[Chorus]_

_[x2:]  
>Free as my hair, hair, hair<br>Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair  
>Hair, hair, hair<br>Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair_

_I just want to be free, I just want to be me  
>And I want lots of friends that invite me to their parties<br>Don't wanna change, and I don't wanna be ashamed  
>I'm the spirit of my hair, it's all the glory that I bare<em>

_I am my hair, I am my hair  
>I am my hair, I am my hair<br>I am my hair, I am my hair  
>I am my hair, I am my hair<br>It's all the glory that I bare_

_I am my hair, I am my hair  
>I am a hair, yeah<br>It's all the glory that I bare  
>I am my hair, I am my hair<br>I'm my hair, yeah, yeah  
>(All the glory that I bare)<br>I'm my hair, yeah, yeah  
>(All the glory that I bare)<br>I'm my hair, yeah, yeah  
>(All the glory that I bare)<br>My hair, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_[Chorus]_

_Ooh, my hair, my hair _

Carly never one to say anything against Sam or strip her of her independence shrugged jumping on the table rocking out harder then any of us. What the heck I sighed joining in. Carly had grabbed Sam's waist and spun her around so they were grinding against each other arms flaring.


	3. Chapter 3 Fortune

**Fortune**

**Freddie's P.O.V**

Night-time had fallen pretty fast Sam and Carly were on her bed with their laptops while I sat at her desk on her P.C doing some research for our next iCarly.

_Sam are you reading Jamie's blog?_

_About to why?_

_Just wondering I'm reading some more comments and reporting those idiots from earlier_

_I'm seeing a lot of support for Jamie One and Two.._

_Jamie one and two haha we really need to learn their last names so we can stop numbering them_

_I think they did leave their first letters come to think of it isn't one spelled Jamey and the other Jamie?_

_Oh just read Jamie's blog out loud_

_Can you read Sam?_

_Shut-up Fredarina _

She took a deep breath starting to read, I had to turn away her hair was just so bright it hurt my eyes.

Carly sat next to her wrapping her legs around Sam's backside so Sam could lean back against her chest

I was envying Sam right now hard.

Damn Carly had smoking hot legs focus Freddie I told myself.

_To my Gurl Sam from iCarly _

_Hey Sam it's me again Jamie Eric HuBright I don't know if you remember me but we met 6 times I've gone to as many fan cons as I can we met in June in D.C. I was the red head kid in a chicken outfit ..you know the one you tried to BBQ and roast .._

Carly and I gasped as all 3 of us laughed remembering. Sam had to gain control again before she went on.

_No worries I'm fine no permanent scars from you I found it funny that's what I love about you and Freddie [ see I remember your apart of iCarly dude] _

_Aw little Fredward got his first fan take a picture Carl's _

_Shut it Puckett and read.._

_Yes I like this kid Sam!_

I pumped my fist as the girls rolled their eyes.

_Carly Gibby Wendy and Brad you know how to make even the most stressful of times better Comedy is the key to happiness._

_Happiness is something I don't have a lot of right now . I'm writing to you as a last hope I want to take part in this new Campaign it's starting right here in Washington where were all from. _

_It's called It Get's Better_

_It's for all LGBT Youth their mission is to spread hope that life does get better that positivity can over come bullying could you please help spread awareness maybe even do a video yourself? So many kids look up to you Sam it would do so much for so many of us._

_This is my story.._

_I'm Jamie Eric HuBright I'm 15 years old and I'm originally from Canada but I moved to Washington D.C three years ago. All my life I have been different and I knew it from a early age. My older brothers were always into football and baseball they loved to rock climb and rough house. My dad always took them camping they would be filled with stories of great adventure. When I was 6 the age my dad found fit to take us camping he took me first and last time._

_I discovered quickly camping was not for me David my older brother by a year pushed me into the mud and I ruined my new shirt and cried for two days straight I hated the bugs the heat the dirt. I missed my pink Elton John throw blanket._

_As I grew up I noticed the changes my brothers shone on the field but I was more contempt to put on a pair of Ballet shoes or tap shoes give me jazz shoes I was a pig in mud I was so happy. I started to discover I loved to sing when I was 8 or 9 and I started to take every class I could. While my brothers and all my friends were cutting their hair to look short and choppy. I let mine grow and started dying it different colors. My dad always called me freak boy my mom kept saying it's a phrase he'll grow out of it._

_I started getting into Fashion and yea it got me picked on there is never a day when I don't hear fag or queer as I walk to class. _

_When my friends started getting into girls I was never into it they would start whispering that a girl was cute and what did I check out? Her legs, her chest, her butt? No her stitching in her top her fabric pattern._

_Now I started to notice that while I wasn't checking out the girls if I saw a boy who smiled and showed dimples damn did I find that sexy._

_When I was 11 I was accepted into a really hard to get into camp for musically gifted kids that summer was amazing._

_I befriended a boy name David he was the funniest and sweetest kid ever and cute to. He was so talented and I fell hard he was my first kiss by the boat dock yea I know romantic huh?_

_David was the one who made it clear to me there was a name for me..Gay..I didn't know what it meant but it felt right. If it could ever really feel right to feel wrong. _

_David helped me come out to my parents which went better then I could of expected my dad was shocked at first but once he got use to it our relationship improved my mom cried for a week on and off but then they both sat down with me and we talked it over and things have been great with them. My family's acceptance has been a huge blessing to me. My brothers still tease me but they protect me to._

_As a child I was never unhappy they helped me see I could have a great life as long as I loved myself and stayed true._

_That changed in Jr. High 7th grade was a rude awakening . I soon saw that not everyone was so cool with me being the only open gay student. _

_Everyday is hell for me I am shoved into lockers teased and taunted I've had my underwear stolen and hung from the flag pole with word queer sprayed onto it. I am called names not only by the other students but by teachers as well. Depression has taken over my once bright attitude. I am friendless in school and so lonely. _

_Music helps but it doesn't take away my pain nothing can really._

_Kids tell me everyday to kill myself that everyone would be so much happier with me gone._

_I was starting to think they are right._

_That changed this summer when I discovered iCarly ._

_The three of you are hilarious._

_Finding out you are out and proud has given me so much hope Sam. Everyone in school loves iCarly and everyone knows you are Gay and no one dares say anything bad about you. I'm not sure why their reaction to you is so different then it is to me . I love how you don't care what everyone thinks maybe that's part of it maybe I care too much. You make me believe things can get better that when I'm older I can be happy again. _

_I have a long road ahead of me I know that and I'm not sure if I can hold on but you give me hope so I will keep trying. High school won't last forever and that keeps me going._

_I see how people rip on you on those message boards I see what the critics say and it hurts reading that cause they have no idea who you really are. Their haters and they just live to hate on those of us who dare to be different. I know you have a rep for being tough and not caring but I see it in your eyes Sam you do care and I see how hurt you get you can't fool someone who has been there but you go on everyday smile and joke and you bring laughter to all of us. Thank you for keeping the rainbow flying._

_I use to think I had the unfortunate luck to be born this way now I see it as a blessing I see that the _

_Cookie crumbles the way it does for a reason maybe it was my destiny to end up here maybe it wasn't bad luck but maybe it was my good fortune that I went through all this pain cause it lead me to the rainbow after the storm._

_I don't know what your life outside of iCarly is maybe you have a great school that supports you maybe not. Either way you carry yourself with dignity and grace. You inspire me because of you I have decided to go into theater I love to preform and I won't be held back._

_I'm going after my dreams Sam because of you so thank you and please keep hanging on no matter how life treats you behind the camera._

_Thanks iCarly I hope it is okay to use this for the campaign could you please email me permission?_

_My email is _

_Sincerely Jamie HuBright _


	4. Chapter 4 Hands

**Hands **

**Freddie's P.O.V**

We were left speechless I stared at Carly who looked at Sam concerned.

_Excuse me _

Sam sighed getting up to go to the bathroom. I saw her eyes which were glistened,I looked at Carly who shock her head telling me to let it go as Sam closed the door.

_Pretty powerful blog huh Carl's_

I noticed she looked uneasy as she clutched a pillow.

_Yea I feel bad for the kid_

She looked so lost and so uncomfortable so I moved from the desk to where she was I pulled her close earning one of her gorgeous smiles.

_You okay Baby?_

Putting my arm around her waist I kissed the side of her head .

_I'm so lucky to have you as a boyfriend Freddie_

She cuddled me looking up to me all I could think about was how amazing she was and how lucky I was.

_Hey Carly guess what_

_What Freddie?_

_This.._

I swooped her up and my lips descended onto hers quick as lighting she tasted like chocolate covered cherries coated in sugar. I caught her off guard as she gave a little squeal but wrapped her arms around my neck as I lowered her down onto her bed a slight moan escaped her lips.

I always thought it was cute how she closed her eyes when we kissed. Moving closer to her I could feel her heart beating fast . My hands wandered freely under her shirt over her back exploring her body making her moan squeal and gasp softly. My hands knew no limits as they traveled over her flat stomach feeling her soft sexy tanned skin across her sexy legs which she moved apart giving me more access. The hands then went up north over her bra strap which they unhooked her shirt somehow came undone what can I say my hands were fast and talented which pleased my eyes as she lay there fully exposed breathing heavy making the view that much more pleasant as my mouth covered both her juicy plump assets.

She squeaked and pushed me back I never wanted to disrespect her or make her feel like she had to do

Something she just wasn't ready for so I stopped pulling her close.

Running my hands over her face and through her hair. I whispered soothing words to comfort her which seemed to work she relaxed as she fixed her shirt and bra.

I fell beside her on the bed just watching her placing my hands on her stomach and her hip she smiled moving closer to me.

_You okay Carl's?_

Brushing my hand over her face. I felt how flushed she was and smiled kissing her check it felt kind of great to know I had that effect on her .

_You never answered you okay baby?_

_I'm good Freddie just uh thankful to have such an amazing bf.._

_Well I am pretty adorable I know_

_Feeling better? _

Sam came over her eyes avoided looking to where my hands were she just nodded .

_Move Benson.._

_No..._

Her voice sounded rough like she had been crying but she stared at me as I said no she wasn't going to push me off my own girlfriend's bed.

_You dare defy the great Puckett?_

_Great? More like Lazy_

_Ah..._

I was on-slaughtered with pillows by Sam as Carly squeaked diving under the bed laughing as Sam came forward. I covered myself with my arms watching while she crawled on the bed waiting for just the right moment till she was in front of me . Then I pounced grabbing her arm just as she rose to strike me.

My hands grasped her elbow startling her it gave me the perfect chance to yank her down she screamed Carly took advantage of a down Sam and slammed her with a pillow.

Within minutes our hands were flying armed with pillows. We were laughing and rolling as we attacked.

**Carly's P.O.V**

What's the definition of a hypocrite? Oh yea right A person who holds other people to higher standards than he holds himself. I always held Freddie and Sam to these high exceptions. I expected honesty most of all and yet here. I was lying straight through my own hypocrisy . Freddie was all over me his hands were just having a grand old time all over my body and I was doing what he expected moaning and squealing at all the right moments but I felt nothing. Well that's not true see here I go again lying I didn't feel nothing. I felt disgusted not by him Freddie was cute he was sweet and he was the perfect boyfriend in so many ways. That's the problem he was a boy..

I told him I loved him over and over everyday and I did as a friend but he was tacking it the way it should have been meant to be taken as a girlfriend but it wasn't how my heart felt for him.

My heart was beating for just one person the one who was currently locked in the bathroom crying her eyes out over that blog. I wanted to hold her and comfort her but I couldn't cause I just couldn't come out not to her not to anyone. So I let him kiss me I let his hands wander over my body and I did what was expected but it was all a lie.

What was it that kid said? Lies destroy lives? Was he onto something? If so I was in trouble cause all I could dream about was Sam...I wanted it to be her laying beside me on me kissing me I wanted to feel her heart beating against mine. It should be her hands on my body not his..

Was she thinking about me? Did she feel the same way? Closing my eyes yea Freddie thought it was cute he thought it meant I was savoring his kiss ..that couldn't be further from the truth I was trying to forget that it was him. I was dreaming it was Sam. In my mind she was the one for me in my heart she was it .. in reality Well..reality is what it always is Carly Shay is just too damn chicken.

She was upset I could see it she smiled through her pain as she joked with Freddie to get off the bed she said she was fine she was lying but I couldn't be mad I couldn't yell that she wasn't being honest cause well neither was I ...so I did the next best thing. I hit her with a pillow she shrieked which is just too sexy to me ..we were at it within minutes...Freddie had her arms held up as she wrestled with him. I watched her chest rise and fall but instead of getting fascinated. I took the opportunity to get friskier and before she knew it my hands were at it yanking her pants down she screamed as I hit her butt with the pillow. Freddie laughed as she fell off the bed her hands covering her butt . I fell on the bed by him all three of us laughing our butts off. I would be lying again though if told you I didn't watch her flesh shaking through her boxers and yes I could see inside. I would be lying if I said I wasn't turned on so damn hard that I could feel myself growing wet down there and feel my heart pounding so hard I was getting physically sick. Pressing my hands against my stomach I pretended I was hurting from laughing so hard but in reality I was hurting from my own gutlessness the pressure from my hands on my delicate skin relieved me of the pain by bringing in a fresher sharper pain. I closed my eyes laying back. Relax I told myself relax and stop these thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5 Apporval

**Approval **

**Freddie's P.O.V**

It got late fast but I didn't feel like going home after our pillow fight we lay there staring at the computer. Sam seemed quieter then normal just laying there Carly kept trying to get her to talk but she just wouldn't open up. Which was unusual she was always willing to talk to Carly. They just had this connection.

So I did what I always do I started a fight with her which worked like a charm within minutes we were wrestling and trading insults.

_Rainbow Freak_

_Nub_

_Come on be original nub is older then my grandma _

_Guys stop Spencer is going to wake up and kick you out Freddie and Sam you still need to do your homework._

_Yuck I have a headache don't make me sicker_

_Sam please_

_Carly stop nagging your not my mom_

_Well someone has to be yours sucks_

_Come on lie down_

_I'll get you some aspirin and some soup_

_Thanks Momma does love her soup and pain pills_

Carly sighed getting up and going downstairs Sam settled deeper into the sheets shivering in a display of rare affections. I pulled one of Carly's big throw blankets over her. She glared at me as if she was trying to see if I had other motives but when she saw me shrug she smiled and cuddled closer.

I felt her breathing start to ease as I massaged her shoulders why was she so tense? Since when did Sam care so much about people she didn't know?

_Sam do you wanna talk about the blog?_

_No drop it Benson_

_Sam something is bothering you what is it? _

_Nothing Benson_

_Stop lying Sam I know you and I know that this kid effected you somehow what is it?_

_Freddie just stop please_

_Sam when you tell me what is wrong_

_Freddie nothing please just drop it I have a headache I'm going to bed_

_Sam stop denying there's a problem and talk to us_

_No leave me alone you wouldn't understand _

_Why? What wouldn't I understand?_

Sam was on her feet glaring at me seething fists clenched I was pissing her off big time and as much as I currently feared for my life which was in danger by the death glares I was receiving. I needed her to spill what was wrong I was starting to get really worried about her.

_Nothing it was before your time just leave it alone_

_Sam what are you talking about?_

_Come on Sam were friends right? You can trust me_

She glared at me but I could see her start to weaver her shoulders slumped down and her fists opened and closed and opened.

_Freddie it's time to go it's late and we need to get to sleep_

Carly stood in the doorway looking pissed as she held a tray with soup crackers water and pills on it.

_Carly I'm sorry but we.._

_I asked you to leave her alone Freddie she'll talk when she's ready just leave her alone _

Sam was shaking as she looked at Carly then attacked the tray oh man Carly was pissed at me now she motioned for me to follow her into the hall.

_Carly I'm sorry I just look I worry about Sam to it was really strange what she did this afternoon_

_I mean she's Sam she's rude she's abrasive and she's loud she doesn't cry over some kid's blog or go and change her hair into some freak show just because some kids who she don't know say chiz about her._

_Freddie Sam's going through a really hard time right now just let her go I can take care of her she'll be fine._

_Carly I really think.._

_I think you should go Freddie it's late your mom will be back soon and she'll be pissed if she finds you not home. If Sam wants to talk she can talk to me we share things ..things you can't understand.._

_Carly please don't be.._

_Freddie please go …_

Sighing I leaned in for a kiss but she pushed away turning to go back into her room my heart broke did I just lose the girl I loved more then anything?

She closed the door which echoed in my mind shuffling back to my apartment I shock my head was I stupid and overreacting?

Sleep came hard what would I do without Carly? She was the love of my life, my very heart and soul.

Morning came too bright and too early even after a long shower I was still barely awake. What was I going to wear?

_Morning Fredward honey I have your outfit all ready _

_Oh uh mom how thoughtful really_

The outfit she held up was so brown and tacky it made me sick .

_Really mom it's uh great but I already had a outfit picked out_

_What could be more perfect then this? This was the same outfit you wore as a baby when I brought you home just in bigger sizes since my wittle baby boy is all grown up now..._

She had to pinch my checks didn't she?

Now I had to find a outfit and fast what was I going to do?

_Well lets see it Freddie_

Quickly I ran to my closet and pulled out the first shirt I could find ..

_Freddie what are you wearing oh my god do not..._

Mom was flipping out as I ran out escaping into Carly's apartment everyone looked up as I entered already exhausted. Sam who was stuffing food in her mouth as I came inside. The look on her face was priceless as she saw me, Carly's eyes went wide and Spencer busted out laughing.

Carly came over laughing as she ran a hand through my hair fixing it just the feel of her touch made me

Relax as I gently grabbed her and held her close. She smelled amazing and looked gorgeous in a cute red top that came to her waist it was held tight by a black and sliver metal shiny belt and black and red

skinny jeans her hair was in a half messy bun with a **baret** in the middle of her bun. Black ankle boots with red shoelaces she looked well hot..t!

Sam had a flannel shirt on which was black and had a rainbow on it with the letters 2QT2BSTR8 then she had on a black vest which was leather black skinnies which were tie-dyed with so many splotches of colors she had her hair up like Carly but it was tied with a bandana of purple and white.

They were expressing themselves in their own ways and I thought they looked absolutely amazing ..

_Freddie what are you wearing?_

_My mom tried to dress me again..._

_Aw wittle baby needs mommy to dress him?_

_No!_

_Well I think it would have been a better choice hun.._

Carly hugged me which I sank into I knew she couldn't stay mad at me. Risking the possibility of ruining it all I leaned in quickly sealing my lips over hers.

Spencer cleared his throat causing her to back away.

_So uh Freddie how does your mom like your choice?_

_I don't need her or anyone's approval to dress how I want.._

_So this is what you want?_

Carly fingered my shirt as I saw myself in the mirror and felt myself pale. No wonder why they were staring. I was wearing the shirt Sam had gotten me as a birthday present this year it was white and had a Rino on it with my head for it's face. She had the words " Face it Fredino your the butt of every joke"

Blue jeans completed the assemble I groaned ..

_Wanna borrow one of my shirts? _

Sam arched a eyebrow she was testing me .. after the hard time I gave her yesterday she was just waiting to attack me.

_No Spencer I'm fine_

Sam snickered as Carly shock her head grabbing her bag.

_Lets go guys we need to get to school _

_Gre...a..t.. _Sam moaned Carly laughed wrapping her arm over Sam's shoulders .

I was already dreading this and I was right to do so as soon as we walked inside the kids started to snicker and whisper. Carly wrapped her free arm around my arm ..my face was heated up as I heard whispers of..

_Look at the iCarly freak_

_Idiot_

_Screwball_

_Ugly _

_What a loser they think their so cool cuz their on a web show_

What a start to a year this was going to beI just wanted to get through this year get good grades and get into a college that would help me further my education. I wanted to get into TV production and web design. Why did my mom have to be on my butt this morning? I could have had a great outfit and been accepted by the kids now I was the laughing stock of the whole school. All I wanted was to be able to go to the dances and hang out with my gorgeous girlfriend who I loved more then life itself.

Carly rolled her eyes as she whispered to me to just ignore them …which was harder to do then say. I avoided looking up as I felt Carly loop her arm around my left arm Sam was grabbing books from her and Carly's lockers as Carly wrapped her other arm around my neck pulling me close damn she was gorgeous and she smelled amazing, her smile made me melt as she leaned closer and kissed me fully on the lips. Her lips tasted like strawberries and cream my whole body was aroused as I pushed her against the locker , Sam groaned ..

_Get a room hormones _

_Go away Puckett_

She moaned as she went down to the gym.

**Sam's P.O.V**

The bathroom in the locker room was was empty as I came inside I was livid all I could see were the questions and and pain in Freddie's eyes as he stared at me. Why did I have to be the freak show? My chest was on fire as .I coughed and tried not to gag, my face was blazing my head was swimming . I went to wash my face … why was my life so hard? Why did I have to run ahead to the locker rooms to change ?

_Look who it is girls the school Lesbo is here _

_Watch your self ladies she'll try to cop a peak at you she's sick_

Like any of them would catch my eyes?

_Cover yourself Kristen she likes big breasts_

_I heard she's just waiting to get a hold of you_

_Shut up Krystal I'm not a dirty freak_

_Hey Puckett did you forget something? _

I looked up just as I slide my underwear off feeling myself burn up they were surrounding me I swallowed feeling nervous ..

_Lesbo over here V__agitarian. _

Before I could even turn around I felt myself fly through the air my head smacked against the locker gasping. I tried to get up but my body was on fire before I could respond Jocelyn was on top of me.

_That's right Butch I'm back and I am pissed your going to pay for beating me up_

She smashed her fist into my face she pushed my face down into the concrete floor kicking me her friends helped her hold me down someone slapped my butt which was bare they were laughing.

_Get this on video Ashley look she's getting turned on sick dyke slap her a..._

_You like it Puckett you know you do.._

_Jocelyn coach will be coming …_

_Don't worry Ash were almost done we just have to wash this dirty Lessbo off_

I screamed as I was picked up my feet kicked but all I got was air Jocelyn was so much stronger then me she carried me her arm pressed into my stomach making me sick. The kids were laughing as she carried me into the shower and threw me down I hit the tiles so hard I started to black out suddenly they were kicking me in my ribs and my head my face.

_Turn it on Melissa lets wash the gay right out of this rainbow freakoid _

I screamed as they turned on the scolding hot water holding me down.

_What's Going on in here?_

I Gasped as I saw our gym teacher Lindsay Sanders come inside as Jocelyn sat on my face I gasped not being able to breathe as I felt myself starting to get dizzy .

_Nothing Coach Sanders Nothing at all Were just teaching Sami here a little lesson _

She had to see through them didn't she? They were holding me down for god sakes but she looked right through them.

_Fine just clean up the trash and get out to class_

_Yes Ma'am..._

I tried to scream but I couldn't …

_Ya heard Coach Girls Clean the trash up.._

They laughed..

I could barely stand or see straight I was so mad as I stood outside the shower they were all laughing standing there recording it …

_Forget Something queer girl _

Ashley stood there by Jocelyn waving my clothes swallowing I tried to run but Melissa blocked me shoving me back.

_Say your sorry Puckett say it Say I'm sorry for being such a reject I'm sorry for being such a.. _

_Freak come on say it so we can all hear you I'm sorry please forgive me I don't mean to be so dirty_

_I'm straight now say it Samantha say your not a dirty wh..e anymore that we can all breathe better now_

_Nah man Ash the stank in here is still too strong _

_Ah man Jocelyn she still doesn't get your approval?_

_No man we need to do more she still reeks of gay.._

It was useless to fight them off as they grabbed me shoving me into one of the stalls. I saw every single kid just standing there some whispering some pointing others shouting for them to kill me. Jocelyn grabbed my hair shoving my head into the toilet as Ashley flushed it.

I kicked her grabbing her hair she screamed as I manged to get out of her hold grabbing her leg and pull her down gasping as I tried to get up my lungs burned.

**Freddie's P.O.V**

I watched Carly turn her attention from me as Sam came into view she was still damp from her shower Carly ran to hug her but Sam shoved her away she looked pissed at something her face was red even her eyes looked red rimmed.

_What's wrong baby?_

_Nothing Carl's nothing at all_

She slammed her books into her locker dodging Carly's attempt to kiss her check.

_Loser..._

Someone coughed sighing I rolled my eyes ..

_What a trio .._

_Gay Boy Rainbow c..t and Miss Prissy.._

Carly rolled her eyes as I turned to kiss her all I wanted was to go home.

_Oh Chiz she just punched him!_

I looked up to see Sam had just punched the leader of the kids and all the kids were gasping and talking as Sam stared him down.

_Shut-up you stupid jerk no one says chiz about my friends_

_Freddie doesn't take himself too seriously he isn't afraid to poke fun of himself _

_Unlike you freaks he knows what it means to be real_

_Look the freakiest freak of all is defending him _

_Figures the dyke defends the geek_

_Sam stop!_

Before we could stop her she was punching him and shoving him against the locker kids started shoving to get into the action. Carly screamed as we saw one big football player charge Sam and slam her into a locker she fell in a heap as other kids started to kick her and spit at her.

_Get the dyke _

_Beat her I wanna see her bleed_

_Sam no! Sam someone help her!_

Carly was crying hysterically as the kids all tried to get a shot in no one expected what happened next.

In a flash I had the biggest football player trapped under my foot as I went to town punching him. I heard his bones crack as I slammed my foot into his hand crushing it under my foot suddenly the teachers were out in full force. I was pulled back as the football coach freaked out that his star player was bleeding from his nose and mouth.

_Get that delinquent to the principal's office now I wanted him punished!_

_Serves you right Henderson you think your a man for beating up on a girl?_

All I could think about was why was he smirking? He was probably going to be suspended and then he wouldn't be able to play in Friday's game. Didn't he get how serious this was?

Sam was only getting up with help from Carly she was bleeding from her nose and mouth the side of her head and she was holding her side. She had a confused look on her face as she looked at me. Carly whispered to her she nodded and looked at me worried. Why was she worried about me? She was the one who got her butt kicked all I did was punch the star of the football team and possibly break his hand.

Oh yea that was why she was looking at me cause. I just beat the chiz out of Tommy Henderson every girls dream the star of the school. Chiz..I was going to pay dearly for this wasn't I?

At least he would get what was coming to him.

_Henderson get to the nurse see if she can get ice on that hand till we can get a x-ray Benson office now!_

_Me? _

_Why me he was beating a girl!_

_What girl? There was no one but you and him! I didn't see anyone else did you?_

Coach Johnson had a very challenging mean look on his face as he looked around Carly was shaking from anger but no one else spoke up expect Wendy and Brad .

_Sam he beat up Sam!_

_Who?_

_Oh that dyke well I see no one backing you up Benson so it looks to me that your lying Puckett prob got too frisky at one of those sick clubs last night and now she's looking to blame a innocent kid for her disease,_

_Shape up Puckett this worlds tough especially for freaks like you Benson office now!_

_Everyone else get to class now! _

Coach Johnson roughly grabbed my arm as kids snickered Sam's eyes were filled with so much anger as she was burning holes through the back of his head . She kept trying to say she was sorry to me but she couldn't talk . Why was she sorry? As hard as I was shaking inside I had to be strong Carly was crying openly as she held Sam up. Wendy was by her in a second to keep her from collapsing. Brad looked so pissed that he had to walk away I heard him slamming things on his way out.

Coach Johnson yanked me away as Carly lead Sam to the Rn's office.

I was shaking and yes I was scared I knew what happened to kids who got into fights on school property I mean I had seen Sam suspended plenty of times to know.

Principal Franklin came in shaking his head as Coach Johnson was ranting and raving about what a poor innocent victim Tommy was and how his entire future was in jeopardy because I had gone off and attacked him unprovoked . I couldn't even get a word in otherwise. Worse yet the police were called. Yes seeing them standing there with their handcuffs made me want to wet myself.

I was getting a headache as he kept yelling demanding I be arrested and thrown in Juvie . After what seemed like hours Principal Franklin asked him to leave and I finally got to tell my side.

Rubbing my head all I could think about was Sam was she okay? What had happened? Why wasn't anyone telling me anything?

_Freddie I believe you I think every word you said was true but unfortunately there's no witness to back you up that aren't your friends._

_I have to go by what the coach said even if I think it's B.S _

_But that's not fair! _

_No it's not Freddie quite frankly it sucks _

_What about the camera's?_

_Will go over them and see what we can use but with the crowd I wouldn't be shocked if the picture was too blurry to see clearly for now I'm afraid I have to suspend you.._

_Ted don't he didn't do anything wrong.._

Sam came in looking pretty rough her face was bloody and bruised she was holding her side which was wrapped in white bandages and her head was wrapped as well.

_I started the fight when Tommy was making comments I swung first Freddie was defending me if someone has to be punished it's me not Frednub._

_Sam don't.._

_Shut-it nub_

_Well it's very noble Sam and yes I am afraid you will be suspended as well both of you will be..effective as of right now I won't press charges cause I believe you but I have to take action. I am sorry and I will look into this. _

I was speechless Sam was pissed we didn't talk as we waited for my mom and Spencer to come. I watched her and I saw another emotion in her eyes pain..pure and undeniable pain. All she wanted was

To be accepted the same as any kid she wanted love and approval and what did she get? Hate and ignorance all because she chose to stand up for what she believed in all because she chose to be true to herself and not live a lie hiding in a closet.

We were different and we were being punished for it by the very people who were suppose to protect us.

What was wrong with this picture? I had a lot I had to figure out this year it was going to be a very eventful one I could see it already ..one why was Sam being so secretive? What were her and Carly keeping from me? They seemed so close more then most girlfriends I was starting to wonder. Was there something going on there?

I mean they had always been best friends Carly and Sam..Sam and Carly ..I even had a special name for them ..I called them Cam ..

Was there something they didn't want me to know? Well I was going to find out. With or without their Approval one way or another their secret would be mine to.

**Carly's P.O.V**

I was shaking and crying but not for just watching what happened to Sam my best friend but for why it happened ..and for the fear...as much as I hated living with this awful secret how could I possibly come out? How could I handle that kind of harassment everyday? I felt sick I just wanted to make my parents proud I just wanted to be happy to have their love and approval. How could I do this?


	6. Chapter 6 Televison

**Television**

**Freddie's P.O.V**

Sam was too upset to eat or drink anything she was pacing around and around the apartment near tears her face was red and she was making herself sick.

_Sam you need to stop_

_I can't Freddie this is ridiculous you should of never of been punished for defending me!_

_Those bigots got what they wanted they won!_

_They got to embarrass me because I'm gay and they got to humiliate you it's not fair_

_Sam it sucks I get it_

_No Freddie you don't you can't possibly get it they tease you because you like computers cause your smart cause you act dorky but it's.._

_I can't I just can't even explain it.._

_Sam please calm down _

_No I can't I just ..god I am so sick of it Freddie I am so sick of being called a freak a dyke I am so sick of being judged because I'm..g..._

She started to break down right there Spencer looked at me and I looked at him neither of us knew what to do how should we approach her? Do I hug her? Do I try to talk to her? Spencer cleared his throat as he went over to her..but before he could reach her she ran past him and straight to Carly's room.

Sighing Spencer went and called Carly...

She wouldn't talk to anyone no matter how hard we tried.. frustrated and worried I had to sit down and take a breather.

Shaking I slowly grabbed the remote and turned on the television but it was all junk it just started going through my head in waves of blurs. I flipped through the channels for 10 minutes before I sighed frustrated even Celebrities underwater didn't help me. Sighing I fell back into the couch just staring at the walls as the television made noise in the back-round.

Spencer came and sat by me he looked helpless I knew how much he loved Sam and how much this was hurting him.

He grabbed the remote and flipped the channel my mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts. What were we suppose to do? This had to stop we couldn't keep going on like this.

Suddenly I heard something on the television Lady GaGa was on The View talking about how we needed to stop the bullying of Gay and Lesbian, Transgender teenagers. They went on and on about

How people listened to Lady GaGa because of her power and fame. What if we got her to come on iCarly? A idea came to me. Where was Carly? We needed to start doing this now ..

I was thinking about ideas on how to get in touch with her this wouldn't be easy she was famous and she was rich why would she care to come on a web show when she could get on any Television show and any radio show why would she come on a kids web-show?

I was Jarred awake as the door slammed shut Carly came in looking red faced tears lined her checks. I rose to meet her but she brushed past me and ran up the steps.

Spencer and I both sprung up and chased after her but she got there before we could closing her bedroom door.

**Carly**

Sam was just laying on my bed her face red as she held a video camera she was shaking as she was talking into it.

I stood still watching her she was deep set in focus she seemed scared and vulnerable very un-sam like which made me feel even worse. I heard her words as she started talking she didn't even know I was there and I was afraid to move.

_So hey everyone I'm sure most of you watching know who I am but for those of you who don't well let me tell you who I am ...iBeSam as if you couldn't tell that from the name of my splash-face channel .._

She chuckled a bit making me smileas she went on licking her lips she was nervous I could see it and hear it.

_Sam Puckett to be accurate and I am seventeen years old I'm from Seattle Washington I am a senior at Ridgeway High School, I love music and singing. I love sports and most of all I love being with my friends especially my ultra cool best friend Carly. She's the total opposite of me she's tall and thin she's sophisticated and smart she's stylish and she's one of the most happy and sweetest girls on earth she's not afraid of being who she is no matter what may happen ..everyone that knows us well they think I am the strongest of all of us but well that's wrong on so many levels. _

_Why? Easy cause people judge strength by the wrong status nowadays they think that cause I can bench press 120 and I can wrestle a 200 lb man to the ground that I am superwoman but I ain't..Carly has the real strength you know all that inner stuff people talk about. Like when your upset cause your pet bunny got hit by a car and people say it gets better the pain lessens just think of all the good times you had ..Well Carly see she would she would start like a memory book or some chiz like that you know paste like pictures of Jack the rabbit in a book and write her fav memories of him.._

_Me What would Sam do?_

_Sam would say well that's jank man it's complete and utter bull...cause yea sure times passes and yea the pain lessens but it doesn't get better it just fades away..there's a difference cause implying it gets better means it improves and that life has a way of making it change._

_Fading away well it just means you forget over time you forget how his fur felt against your check you forget how his nose twitched when he saw you coming..._

_I don't want to forget dammit I want the pain to stop !_

_I want to feel safe again I want to feel like I can walk the halls of my school with my head held up not be afraid it's going to be bashed in by some homophobic bully who doesn't like the fact that his girlfriend liked me over him..yea Tommy get this pretty popular cheerleader Jessica liked the punk loud abrasive rude lesbian better then your ego..._

_I want to be able to kiss my girlfriend if _

Her voice got softer almost sad as she sighed barely saying in above a whisper

_I am ever lucky enough to get a girl who likes me out in public without the fear of being stoned or called names or have rude jesters aimed at me. _

_We live in a age where it's empowering to be African American to be Spanish but it's still not okay to be Gay even though we are born this way just as a person is born with their race it's predetermined we have no control over it. Yet we are still castrated and humiliated all because were sick of living our lives in a lie were sick of hiding who we are and sick of denying who we were born to be. I don't want to miss out on love of growing up getting married and having kids with a girl I love why can't I have the same rights as everyone else? _

_What makes me so worthless? **Nothing! **That's what but people kids in my own school feel the need to make me feel worthless they live to tear me down and you know I'm sick of it...sick of being afraid sick of being ashamed I have nothing to be ashamed of..._

_I am who I was born to be and I just want the same rights as everyone else there's so much talk on the Television about gay rights and gay activation but what progress are we making in reality if we still have kids being bullied and beat up? Not enough that's what …_

_There are so many celebrities out there who have come out and their tell ya it gets better well I wish it was true but at 17. I can't see it happening...everyday is hell for me and I can't stand the thought of another day ..and every day after that living in this hell..their tell ya life is so much better after high school. Sure easy for them to say their rich they have money and power and respect their on the hottest television shows have the number one selling CD's go to the hottest A-List parties ..what do I have? Bad grades, acne, no parents, friends who have no idea what my life is really like..it feels pointless and hopeless...maybe it seems like I am giving up too soon but I can't see a future._

_I have been out and proud for over four years but now I am not so proud my life sucks and I hate waking up everyday...I just wanted to be loved...was it too much to ask? I feel like a failure everyday I made a promise years ago and I can't keep it anymore.. _

_In Conclusion life sucks right now and yea maybe it will get better but honestly I just can't see it happening and I need to see it I need a reason to go on..._

_Sam stop! _

She cussed as she dropped the camera turning to me …

_Don't do it Sam please don't give up!_

I ran over to her grabbing the gun she was shaking as she started to cry. I threw my arms around her and held her close as she stiffened in my arms.

_I love you Sam your beautiful the way you are_

_I need you please don't do this..don't break the promise_

_I can't Carly I just can't do it anymore.._

_Yes you can Sam we can do this together.._

_No Carly you can't understand.._

_Yes I can.._

_No you can't your perfect your gorgeous your smart and you have goals you have a boyfriend..._

_I'm Gay Sam..just like you dammit I am Gay to..._

Her eyes shot up as she stared at me..she seemed in shock I held her as she sat on my lap she was pale and shaky as she looked at me studying my face reaching up, I ran my hand over her face. She was cold and wet I felt my own tears falling as she melted into my arms. Rocking her I just held her as she cried finally believing me.

What did I just do now? I was shaking and felt sick to my stomach did I just make a huge mistake? I was trembling so hard Sam's body was shaking from it.

She was looking up at me now looking tired but less pale..

_Carly are you just saying this to make me feel better?_

_No Sam..I ..god this is so hard for me...I am so scared.._

_I know how that feels.._

_Then you know why I can't just come out and announce this..but I can't.._

_I won' let you suffer alone cause your not alone I am here for you always and forever I love you and I need you to know this...there is hope Sam it does get better high school won't last forever College will be amazing and so will the rest of our lives ..you just have to hold on and keep believing...please remember your promise remember how it felt..._

She nodded slowly as we got up I helped her over to the bed she was shaking and she was still not speaking. Laying her down I covered her with a blanket my legs were trembling so bad I almost fell yet

I found the strength to go over grabbing the gun which felt heavy in my shaking fingers I fought off the urge to throw up as I emptied the chambers and went into the bathroom throwing it in the waste bag. My fingers latched onto the counter as the dizziness over took me and suddenly everything came up. My whole stomach just went straight into the toilet as sweat poured off of me.

What had I done? What did this mean? How would my life change?

I head Spencer and Freddie...without warning they were there my door was broken and they were grabbing us Freddie by my side Spencer by a motionless Sam who was just laying on the bed.

Freddie's arms were around me as he wiped my mouth made me rinse and helped me up.

He lead me over to the bed Spencer wrapped his arms around me. I looked at them why were they here looking red faced sweaty and scared?

I was confused and still nauseated..

_Carly are you okay?_

Spencer's eyes locked with mine I was very tired and had a pounding headache I didn't want to talk but he wouldn't stop.

_Carly talk to me Sam was live on the internet .._

She was what?

_We saw her with the gun we heard her talking we were watching the Television when Freddie's mom came barreling in yelling about Sam being online she was all worried and chiz so we went to splash-face live and there she was we saw you burst in.._

They saw me they heard me? They knew? Freddie's eyes were looking at me did he hate me? Oh god poor Freddie..he had to hate me right? All these months we made out and almost made love..all these months he told me he loved me bought me presents and made plans for our lives..all these months I kept silent.

I was numb now I wish my life was like one of those 30 minute Television shows where everything was all wrapped up in a half hour and you went from having a impossible problem to being problem free and happy with all the answers. But real life wasn't that simple if anything my life was one of those Television soaps a never ending drama filled sequences.


	7. Chapter 7 Eyes

**Freddie's P.O.V**

**Eyes**

As soon as as Spencer and I saw Sam we ran upstairs my heart was pounding so hard . I could barely breathe. Mom was on the phone with the police as Spencer and I ran upstairs pounding on the door.

_It won't open _

_Did you try hitting it and kicking it?_

_Gee no Freddie I didn't think of that I just slapped it and said bad door why won't you open_

_She prob locked it_

_Well now what do we do?_

I was starting to panic the look in Sam's eyes was one of pure torment and self hate . They were glassy like she had been crying for hours. There was a haunted look in her eyes like she was possessed by demons that were whispering to her .

When she spoke you could hear the pain and self loathing in every word as her voice . It broke my heart. I mean as much as Sam and I tease each other . I still care for her deeply you don't go through all the chiz that we have in the last few years and end up not caring for someone.

Sam may be rude, obnoxious, rough, abrasive ,violent ,scary but she was my rude, obnoxious, rough, abrasive ,violent ,scary girl friend one of my only true real friends . I cared for her and I wouldn't let anyone hurt her ..but I did we all did we just didn't see how bad we messed up till it was almost too late. This was our wake up call what I saw in her eyes it killed me ,When I heard the pain and terror in her voice , when I saw the dead look in her eyes it killed me. Did we not show her how much she meant to us. Did Carly get through to her? She was the only one who could connect with Sam on a deeper level get her to open her mouth she could see through her words her actions she could she through Sam's eyes to her very soul. She was the only one Sam listened to did she listen to her now?

_Your Eyes  
>As We Said Our Goodbyes<br>Can't Get Them Out Of My Mind  
>And I Find I Can't Hide (From)<br>Your Eyes  
>The Ones That Took Me By Surprise<br>The Night You Came Into My Life  
>Where There's Moonlight<br>I See Your Eyes_

_How'd I Let You Slip Away  
>When I'm Longing So To Hold You<br>Now I'd Die For One More Day  
>'Cause There's Something I Should<br>Have Told You  
>Yes There's Something I Should Have<br>Told You_

_When I Looked Into Your Eyes  
>Why Does Distance Make Us Wise?<br>You Were The Song All Along  
>And Before The Song Dies<em>

_I Should Tell You I Should Tell You  
>I Have Always Loved You<br>You Can See It In My Eyes _


	8. Chapter 8 Love

**Freddie's P.O.V**

**Love**

They say there are just some people who come into your life for a reason . Every person that comes into it touches you and leaves a foot print on your heart and you are never ever the same.

Sam was put into my life to teach me about honor and respect to toughen me up and give me the courage to face things I never knew I could. She kept me in line she was teaching me more and more about what real courage was and what it really meant to stand up for what you believed in.

Carly she was put here to teach me about what it really means to love someone so much you would risk your life for. She made my life worth living she filled my heart with so much joy that my feet were in constant motion my heart was beating out it's own music and my feet heard the rhythm and were all too happy to dance to it. She is one the sweetest most self fish giving young women anyone could ever meet she never took time to think about herself she was always helping others. She taught me to be more patient and more understanding about others and not to rush to judgment. She made me see that everyone should be treated equally no matter their race ,religion , sexuality or mental status.

She was the reason I was able to accept Sam so openly when she came out to me.

Carly well she just always knew things about Sam it wasn't hard to see that they always had their secrets and that she trusted Carly in ways she trusted no one else the way they would hold hands and bend their heads together they would whisper and giggle. They have their own language they know what the other one was going to say or do before they did it that's why iCarly worked so well even when it was unscripted they just knew what worked and what wouldn't.

Carly warned me dating Sam would be a mistake she was almost threatening when she tried to tell me not to do it but hey what can I say I was a 16 year old teenage guy. I had needs and she refused to date me. I figured we would go on a few dates and that would be it, I wasn't planning on falling in love with her or anything. I already knew who I was in love with my one and only.

_I just need somebody to love  
>I, I don't need too much<br>Just somebody to love_

_Somebody to love  
>I don't need nothing else, I promise, girl, I swear<br>I just need somebody to love_

_I need somebody  
>I, I need somebody<br>I need somebody  
>I, I need somebody to love <em>


	9. Chapter 9 Wish

**Freddie's P.O.V**

**Wish**

**A/N Still Not Owning Nothing...**

It was just last year that we had been dating. It's funny they say if you wish upon a fallen star your wish may be granted .Well I have wished on many stars that Sam would change and be less painful less violent and less rude. I never really expected that wish to be granted I mean face it Leopards can't shed their spots rivers can't stop their currents and waterfalls can't stop falling.

My wish however came true. After she kissed me at the lock down something inside of me softened towards her. I think it was the look in her eyes the way that she held onto me and grabbed me ..I can still recall it like it was yesterday how chilly the wind was how haunted her eyes were sad. I was so damn sure she was in love with Brad and Carly kept trying to tell me to drop it but I was just so sure I had to be right. I was a hopeless romantic, I was so in love with Carly and all I ever did every night was wish she would someday be mine. That didn't seem likely to happen but when my pear pad said Sam was in love, I just assumed it was with Brad. I fought with Carly over it and she got pissed so I had to confront Sam. She was sitting on the steps looking exhausted and ready to cry. She toughened up when she saw me I can still recall what we said. She was groaning when she saw me coming.

_HHH Ugghh!_

_Groan all you want _

I said impatiently yea I still had a ways to go before I would ever be fully patient with Sam.

_I don't care what your stupid pear-pad app says about me being in love, I'm not into Brad like that._

She could be so frustrating dang just admit your in love already. I remember thinking Gibby and I had a $100 on this.

_Lately every time I tell you that Brad and I are doing something together you wanna come hang with us._

She looked at me like really that 's the best you have rolling her eyes. I heard her sigh finding myself noticing how dry her lips looked her lower one was cracked from biting it.

_And that means I'm in love with him?_

I threw my hands up whirling around to stare at her like she was insane what else could it mean right?

_Well you hate me!_

She was mumbling

_Never said I hate you_

I rolled my eyes as I replied looking at her.

_Yeah, you have. Like 900 times. I still have the birthday card you gave me that says "Happy Birthday, I hate you. Hate, Sam!"_

Pleadingly she threw down her bottle getting agitated.

_Just leeaave!_

I was starting to think it was a bad idea maybe I should of heard Carly out for what ever reason Sam wasn't ready to deal with her feelings yet whatever they were or for who ever they were for.

_Fine I'll leeaave_

Sam sighed in relief as she happily called out sarcastically.

_Bye!_

I wasn't going to make things that easy no not for her.

_But before I go-_

Sam gets up and charges over pissed oh man maybe I had pushed her too far after all Carly help!

_That's it. Get out of here before I do a double fist dance on your face._

I would not back down she would not see my fear. I would not piss myself from the mass amount of fear I was feeling. I was not moving mainly cause I couldn't fear had me gripped. Not that I would ever show her that, I was a man well almost right.

_You can threaten your double fist face dancing all you want, but Carly's still right. _

_Look, I know it's scary for you to put your feelings out there cause' you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. _

_Everyone feels that way but you never know what might happen if you don't- _

Suddenly before I could even finish Sam grabs me and kisses me and I'm not talking our first kiss which was quick and awkward. I mean a real full lips punching lips mouth fully open as she takes my air away kiss.

Out the window Carly is watching with a shocked expression on her face which I find out later as she laying into me for playing with Sam's emotions yea somehow this is all my fault. She later told me my eyes were open with shock.

After eleven seconds Sam pulls away and it gets awkward

I tried to say something but I was to shocked to so I just make a noise

Sam looks panicked all of a sudden as she shoves her hands in her pockets and looks down face red.

_Sorry_

Long moment of awkward silence as I was trying to proses what had just happened . I follow her lead shoving my hands in my pocket as I turn away.

_It's cool_

It wasn't though she went a little crazy and checked herself into a woman's health center . I had never seen her so broken like that so lost. Carly sat with her for hours talking to her. I wasn't included in those conversations but I wanted to be cause no matter how hard I tried to not care. I did deeply and I was even starting to think I was fallen in love with her.

When she got out I swore I would be there for her and I would protect her. My wish every night was that Sam would see how special she was and how amazing, I wished upon every star to be able to be the one to help her see that.

She was different when we dated she was quiet and reserved she asked my opinions and listened when I talked. She was always asking if I needed help. She held my hand in public,Shared food with me we had real conversations.

She trusted me she opened up to me she gave me her heart which when you really explore it you discover there's a lot more to her then what meets the eye .

She's funny. I mean really funny quick witted and she's genius smart she just doesn't apply it 99.9 % of the time. She can do some of our homework quicker then Carly and I combined she just chooses not to.

She's stubborn and she inserts that. She's tough cause she has had to be she's endured so much pain and sadness she's been abandoned by her dad who chose drugs and money claiming the love of his gang he chose sex with various women over his own kids he would bring all kinds of random girls home some as young as 14 just so he could parade them in front of Pam. Sam's mom which always started fights. Sam would hear them late at night as they screamed and cussed throwing things she would see her dad beating up on her mom as her mom tried to stop him. Sam would scream and try to help her mom and he would turn on her , Mel was always crying and Sam had to protect her she was so young only 3 or 4 . Her mom drank more and more every day she started bringing home random guys. She was always having sex even with Sam in the other room. Sam learned to create a imaginary world in her mind to escape she latched onto music she used it as fuel to someday get out of that house. Music was the one thing she really went all out for but she was super secretive about it Carly of course knew all her songs and the meanings behind them. I was always excluded until we started dating and she started trusting me slowly she opened up to me and I saw just how talented she was.

She had to hear her whole life how she was never going to be good enough the way Mel was she was never going to be pretty enough smart enough, she was hopeless and useless and her mom hated her that's what she told her every day of Sam's life.

She watched while her dad shot a rival gang member who broke into their home while the kids were asleep well were suppose to be Sam couldn't sleep. She saw her dad shoot the unarmed kid he was 16

This was his Initiation he was shot dead she watched while her dad called his fellow members and they disposed of the body.

Sam watched while the police raided the house in the middle of the night trashed it and beat her mom and dad. They came in with guns drawing shields up bullets flying she had to protect Mel. They threatened her and Mel. She learned early on to keep secrets to yourself.

From that day on her mom did nothing but drink and beat Sam. Mel got away she got to go to a fancy boarding school but Sam she was stuck in the moment stuck in hell. That's why she spent so many nights at Carly's apartment. Carly never did much asking she just seemed to know when Sam needed an escape. She always provided it without asking her to spill the details which Sam never wanted to talk about.

Sam has the biggest heart she loves with all of it without asking questions without judgment but you have to earn that right from her she doesn't trust easy. When she gets a broken heart it devastates her.

She's learned to cover up her feelings and put on a smile she had to protect herself.

It took awhile to get her to trust me but she did and I was rewarded with sweet kisses and plenty of hugs. I got to hear her giggle and laugh she taught me to take chances and go after what I really wanted she taught me love is about trusting you won't get hurt and trusting yourself to know if you do that you can be okay she taught me love is about asking about the other person's likes and dislikes … Well okay Carly really was all over that but Sam she was willing to do it so we did and we learned a lot.

She taught me about living in the moment ..

Perfect example last Christmas the six of us myself Sam , Carly Wendy , Gibby ,Spencer all went to watch the Christmas parade which Sam made us late for , so Carly just shrugged it off hugging Sam [who never did apologize all cause she wanted extra bacon].

Carly was happy just watching in the streets even though she couldn't see with the mass of people. She just danced to the music, Gibby was all over the place searching for Tasha ,Spencer was hiding from Santa who he was convinced was really his ex-girlfriend who was out to get him. Wendy had a broken ankle so she was flirting with a cute teenage elf trying for sympathy.

That left Sam and I and Sam wanted to see up close and personal so of course I got dragged along. Even as I was screaming that I didn't want to end up in Juvie she just kept telling me to be prepared to man up as she found the biggest float and got us on . The damn thing was moving it had dancing elves a Elvis style Santa with a sax, singing reindeer's. She looked gorgeous that day I remember that she was peaceful as we settled behind Santa's chair to watch the show I held onto the chair trapping her in my arms so we wouldn't fall off.

Slowly my fears melted away as we got into the music I watched her she was loving it so I just held her kissing her head and her face which relaxed her more as we wrapped ourselves up in each other our cold became a thing of the past.

Sam was having a blast throwing salt down on the ice where the dancing elves were shaking their butts on skates. Then she was throwing out fire crackers it was a riot watching everyone jump scream squeal and try to cover up their vocals.

I almost didn't notice her taking my hand placing it over her stomach which sent shivers down my whole body then I looked into her eyes. I saw them glimmering without me moving my hand she glided it over her stomach and over her whole body which made me gasp she felt rock hard and soft she felt amazing when my still somewhat cold hands were met with her wet warm stickiness from down below, I swear I almost came right there.

As hark the herald angles sing was being preformed she turned to me lifting both my hands to her hips our eyes locked I swear I could see her love shining through her eyes.

Slowly at first but with more passion then I ever thought she could have she placed her hands over mine and lifted her own shirt off. My eyes scanned over her amazing breasts hiding behind her hot pink and green bra.

Kissing her was almost like a magic spell she went from a rough tough tomboy who loved making people the butt of her jokes to being a sweet fruit who was ready to be pealed. Pulling me down sliding her hands under my sweater I felt my nipples harden. The sweater came off as her tongue played with my nipples.

I am your typical teenage boy I love girls I was in love with exploring their bodies and knowing how to please them. Unlike most however I was raised to respect them and to wait till the time was right I wanted to be in love and to be with someone I could trust before I well you know.

Sam was guiding me as we undressed each other she let me feel every part of her kissing her deeply. I was excited and scared chizless at the same time. I didn't want to mess up or hurt her or do something stupid. My heart was pounding and I was sweating , I was anxious yet I could feel her having a effect on me. I was tight down there my nipples were harder and my mouth was dry. Then there was the fact we were on a float were a million plus people could see us if something went wrong.

Sam was not afraid she was kissing me warming me up whispering to me guiding me inside of her where. I could feel her tightness and her warm wetness , her breasts were pressed firmly against my nipples as I heard her gasp. I felt myself enter her tearing her she cried out as she lowered herself down on me holding me. I clumsy wrapped my arms around her pulling her close wanting her to feel safe. I was trembling as I gasped out starting to move in and out of faster and easier as she loosened up.

She seemed to know what I needed as she rocked her hips our breathing was labored my trembling got worse as her hips rocked harder and her moans started which turned me on so bad I couldn't help but pull out and shove inside of her harder.

Even simple words or phrases had a intense effect on me..

_oh god o-h-u-h-a-h your doing gre..a..a..t..u..h.. _

I was getting so hard I thought I would explode as I grabbed her finding my own stride as I started to gasp and groan. She was warm and sweet wet and I was riding her so hard I am shocked even now no one on the float felt it.

I ran my hands through her hair over her face kissing her when she was exhausted she fell on top of me breathing so hard I was scared she had hurt herself.

I felt lucky though and I wanted her to know it so I kissed her .

_You okay babe?_

She coughed I rubbed her back laying with her to comfort her. I had heard somewhere girls liked that kind of thing. She closed her eyes I whispered to her hoping to soothe her.

_You okay Sam? _

She didn't answer which worried me I felt her swallow I kept talking to her.

_Babe I hope I wasn't to hard on you I'm sorry I'm new to this ..it's..._

_Well don't laugh but it's my first time and I really wasn't prepared chiz Sam we didn't..oh..god..we didn't use.._

_Oh god my mom will kill me!_

_Relax Fredward you were great_

_So what's wrong? Sam?_

_Nothing uh we need to go before someone catches us.._

I tried to stop her but I was still slightly shaking and she was fast she made no haste in dressing and getting off the float while I was still trying to find my clothes she was halfway down the street shoving people . Damn her I muttered to myself ..

_You what are you doing? _

_Huh? Oh no uh this isn't I mean.._

_Ah sick freak alert help!_

_Oh no lady I mean ...you..don't..no!_

Too late the lady was already swinging Santa's bag at me as two cops hurried over I hadn't even pulled my pants up yet my hand was over my lower half as I tried to run to no avail.

_I can't believe you ended up in Juvie! Fredward what the heck is wrong with you_ !

_Uh Mom I said I was sorry relax _

_No freddie I won't relax you ended up in Juvie on Christmas Day if your uncle Kelvin didn't work for King County you would still be there...You realize you could be charged with a …_

_AH! Get out of my lobby! I hate you people with your smiles and good cheer ba-hum-bug! Get out! AH!_

Suddenly Lewbert charged at us I ducked under his arm as he swung a jumbo turkey leg in our direction just making it up the steps as Mom started talking about germs from uncooked meat.

By the time I made it into the Shay's apartment Spencer was watching Celebrities Underwaterwith a huge bowl of popcorn.

_I was wondering what happened to you Sam came back hours ago what did you do to her?_

_Huh? Why am I always to blame? _

_She was really upset all she kept saying was Freddie.._

_Where is she?_

_You look nervous Freddie my man what's going on?_

_Nothing _

Spencer squinted I shifted feet looking down I wondered was it possible for the floor to open up? Swallow me whole? I wish it was ..

_Freddie get back to your room now you are so grounded till .._

_Mom please..._

_No please Fredward I do not appreciate being hauled down to the police station.._

_Police!_

_Yes Spencer Freddie was arrested and I know that little Taco wielding sister of yours had something to do with it.. _

_Mom stop Carly had nothing to do with it!_

_Well will see about that you would lie in church to cover for that hussy.._

_She's not a hussy mom!_

_Yea watch your lip that's my little sister your talking about!_

_Well maybe if she had parents around she wouldn't be such a trouble maker_

_Carly is not a .._

_Hush Freddie you did enough tonight!_

_Mom..._

_Carly Shay get your..._

She barged into Carly's room stopping dead my mouth dropped open Sam was in Carly's arms completely wrapped up bawling her eyes out. She cussed when she saw us come in Carly scooped her up and tried to cover her with a blanket. Her eyes wide ..

_Get out …_

Her tone was harsh and demanding her eyes cold ..

_You are the most rude self absorbed brat I have ever met you do not talk to adults that way_

_When they barge into my room unannounced uninvited screaming. I will talk to anyone any way I want and I want you to get out! NOW!_

_Your done Freddie you will never see her again she's a hussy and I know you did it with her it's inexcusable Fredward you were taught better then that! She is a witch she did something to you I know that Carly forced you to do this ...You are a …_

_Shut up Lady Carly didn't do anything stop pointing your finger calling her names you know nothing!_

_Samantha you stay out of this...this is between me and this hussy .._

_I will do whatever with whoever I want lady and you will not come into my room calling me names whatever happened Freddie was very much apart of it as well..he's not innocent in this.._

_Wait that means..._

Spencer twisted around looking at all of us his eyes landed on me and Carly then Sam who was pale and shaking but holding onto Carly very tightly.

_Wait you two ..Freddie you and ..Car..My sis.._

Carly lowered her eyes her confidence suddenly started to waiver. I saw her swallow as Sam looked at her. She hated Carly lying for her but Carly hushed her kissing her forehead.

_Sam you need to ..Melissa I need to talk to Carly .._

_Too late for that Spencer you should have had that talk with her years ago.._

_OUT!_

_Freddie not you …_

Crap I thought as my mom spun and stormed out there was a tension in my head as I sighed it was pounding.

_Carly I don't even know where to begin ..Your 16 for god sakes why the heck are you even thinking about sex!_

_I trusted you Carly I...your so grounded..your going to the doctors and I'm calling dad..._

_No Spencer please you don't .._

_You had sex with him Carly you could get pregnant or god knows what std ..unless Melissa is just assuming that there was sex is she wrong?_

I couldn't speak I was ready to drop Sam lowered her eyes as Carly shock her head no her lips trembled but she wouldn't rat Sam out.

_No Spencer she wasn't wrong...I wish she was but she wasn't..._


	10. Chapter 10 Confess

**Freddie's P.O.V**

**Confess**

_Carly I can't even I ..I am speechless I know I wasn't always the most responsible guardian ever but _

_I know that I taught you about protections and responsibility..._

_How could you go and do this..with him!_

_Hey!_

_Well answer me!_

_I Spencer I'm sorry I never wanted to disappoint you.._

_Well great job kid cause you did more then that .._

A few tears rolled down Carly's checks why wasn't she just saying the truth? Why was Sam letting her take the fall? I should speak up but I couldn't there was a look on Sam's face that was just so heart breaking that it left me speechless.

_Dad is going to flip out I failed all he did for us growing up and all he did was ask me to take care of his little girl._

_I'm such a loser god I can't even keep a 16 year old girl in the apartment you always been a good kid Carly what the hell happened to you! Why would you do something so dumb so irresponsible so..so uh!_

Carly looked so broken the tears were coming down harder and every word he said made her flinch. I swallowed I should say something I hated seeing her so broken up but I was frozen so far he hadn't said much to me if I stayed quiet...

_She didn't Spencer she didn't have sex with Freddie_

_Sam stay out of this in fact you should go Carly and I need.._

_No Spencer listen to me Carly was watching the parade she didn't even know where we were we sneaked off and I .._She licked her lips Carly grabbed her hands trying to pull her down but Sam shock her off.

_Sam don't lie for her it only makes it worse we all know you hate Freddie.._

_Why does everyone think I hate the nub just cause I pick on him I don't hate him.._

_Well you don't love him..do you cause I have been watching you Sam your not in love with him I know that.._

Her eyes looked down she sighed I looked at her what was her answer I wanted to know myself.

She sat up straighter sighing Carly whispered to her Don't but she pushed her off without moving from her lap.

I watched her tongue play with her dry cracked lips as she looked around.

_No ..Sorry Freddie but I'm not in love with Freddie.._

_So what the heck Sam are you saying?_

She struggled with her next words...her eyes never left Carly's face. I watched as Carly kissed her forehead and held her what was going on?

_I'm saying ..Freddie..._

She looked at me I swallowed my throat felt dry ..

_Yes Sam... _

I croaked out..

_I'm sorry .._

_Wha..a..a...t..did Sam Puckett just say what I think she said?_

I was speechless Spencer looked at her.

Slowly he went over he seemed to sense something cause he went silent sitting on the bed by them he put his hand on Sam's shoulder. She moistened her lips again as she went on.

_I'm sorry Freddie I used you I don't love you …_

_Sam look we don't have to..I mean were only 16 I'm not looking to marry you or anything.._

_Good cause we couldn't.._

_Well not yet but in a few yea.._

_No Freddie we can't ever_

_What are you talking about of course we can once were..legal.._

_Freddie we can..I mean me and you ..you and I we can never _

_Freddie I used you to test myself.._

_Huh?_

_What are you talking about Sam?_

_I thought that maybe there was a glimmer of hope that maybe I wasn't..but I am.._

_Sam what are you trying to say?_

Spencer's tone was soft and full of concern as Sam hung onto Carly so tight you could see the red marks on her neck ,Carly never flinched.

_Freddie, Spencer please don't hate me.._

_Sam we can never hate you.._

_You say that now but .._

_Sam your my little sister I love you no matter what just please talk to me.._

_I had sex with Freddie tonight to see if there was any way that it would change me_

_Change you how?_

_Change me so I wouldn't be a freak..._

_Sam your not a freak your a bit pushy and rude and..._

_I'm gay Spencer and I had sex with Freddie to see if having sex with a guy would fix me but it didn't I …_

_Sam oh god baby you don't need to be fixed your perfect the way you are.._

_Your what? _

I chocked out swallowing became harder as Carly looked up holding her tight as she buried herself into Carly's shirt Spencer held her tight.

Did she just say what I think she did? Did she just confess she was gay and had used me?

I suddenly needed to lay down my heart was pounding so hard I felt sick I turned no one even saw me leave my heart dropped. I felt my eyes well up but I took a deep breath pushing it out of my mind. That's all I was to her just a toy she could use to play with and toss around when she was done. She had sex with me knowing she wasn't even straight? What kind of sick person does that?

My mom was still yelling as I came inside. I ignored her and headed straight for the shower I needed to wash off bad..my mind was spinning with so many questions.

Yet one was louder then all the others as much as I wanted to hate her I couldn't there was such a haunted look in her eyes it made me wonder was she okay?

_Freddie..._

I jumped screaming as I stepped out of my shower to see Carly standing there. She was blushing as she turned away why was she blushing?

_Uh Freddie sorry my bad here..cover up.._

_Carly why so shy? _

_Okay I confess I never saw a boy naked before okay so please just.._

_Naked what are..you..ah!_

Now it dawned on me...well today was so much fun I had my first time with a girl who hated me. I had my first arrest my first crush saw me in the buff and oh yea the girl I lost it to now was confessing she was gay and I convinced her of it...maybe I need to go to church and confess cause as much as this sucked I wouldn't take it back if I could.


	11. Chapter 11 Hints

**Carly's P.O.V**

**Present Time**

**Hints**

**A/N okay so I do own something hehe my twitter accounts follow me mileycfan4eva and jmmcfan...those are my two main ones still not owning iCarly...:{**

Sam looked up at Spencer as him and Freddie came bursting in with his Mom my arms tightened around her shoulders which were still shaking.

_Okay we need to calm down everyone the crisis unit is on their way_

_Mom we don't need a crisis unit_

_Freddie she tried to kill herself yes we do _

_Let me talk to her Melissa she responds to Carly and I _

_Now Spencer I don't think it will be helpful if.._

_OUT NOW!_

I looked up shocked I had never heard Spencer so mad before, Melissa looked at him shocked but grabbed Freddie and stormed out Spencer slammed the door behind them and leaned against it sighing.

Sam buried her face in my chest holding me she was shivering so I grabbed a second throw blanket and threw it over her. Which seemed to help somewhat Spencer ran his hand through his hair groaning sitting down by us.

_Carly can you give Sam and I some private time_

_No Spencer I'm staying I'm sorry but whatever Sam needs to say she can say with me here_

_Sam I need you to be honest what's going on? Why would you do something this drastic?_

_Please talk to us Sam you have been shutting us out for too long_

_I can't Spencer I just ...it's so hard everyone has opinions of me _

_Sam you never cared before why all of a sudden do you care now?_

_It's just so hard Spencer I just want to be accepted and loved_

_We love you Sam always _

_Yea but I want someone to spend the rest of my life with that won't happen if everyone hates me _

_Sam it won't happen if your dead either_

_You have to live to get to the happy ending_

_I don't believe in happy endings_

_Well start cause it's waiting for you Sam your bright, caring, beautiful and talented you have everything going for you. _

_You just need a reason to keep holding on I think you need to go to a therapist _

_No Spencer I don't do.._

_Sam this isn't up for talking I'm in charge of you when your mom's away which is 99% of the time_

_How? _

_I know enough from taking care of Carly that every kid needs stability your mom can't provide it so I made sure there was away that if something came up I could make decisions..I had a lawyer draw up a contract and made your mom sign it._

_Sam you need help and it's not up for debate if you won't talk to me or Melissa I have no choice.._

_Talk to me Sam maybe we can avoid going to someone else _

_Spencer the unit's here..._

_Sam you have a choice..._

She looked at me and then back to Spencer who's gaze never left her's.

She seemed to want to speak but when she opened her mouth and looked at me she made no sound Spencer sighed.

_Yes send them in we need them.._

Sam buried herself in my arms she didn't want any part of this but she needed it as much as I wanted to protect her cause I knew she didn't want to talk to anyone she didn't know I felt powerless to help her.

Two ladies came inside one was tall with long black hair and pale skin yet she had the deepest blue eyes I had ever seen she was dressed in black skinnies and a purple top that had angels wings on it. I couldn't see the name that was around it or the dates. My eyes were on Sam alone, the second girl was shorter and pudgier but she had the same top on and black sweatpants.

_Hello My name is Katie DeGeneres what's your name?_

_I'm Spencer Shay I'm Carly's Legal Guardian _

Spencer shock hands with the taller of the two ladies who nodded as he pointed to me.

They motioned for him to step away from the bed. I heard them talking in hushed tones then they came back and Katie whispered to her partner before they both approached the bed Sam buried herself deeper

Into my arms and suddenly I felt afraid for her and wanted to protect her from these intruders.

_Sam hello it's nice to meet you I'm Katie and this is my partner Laura wish we could of meet in a different way Sam we need to examine you will that be okay? _

_No!_

She was quick to yell out as she moved as far away from them as possible her eyes wide with fear. She looked at me pleading with me not to let them touch her. I knew she needed the help and that they didn't want to hurt her, yet my first instinct was to place my body in front of hers and shield her. My voice was low when I replied to them.

_Don't touch her _

_Carly right?_

Laura asked I nodded not letting my guard down.

_Were not here to hurt your friend were here to help I understand that you love your friend and you want what's best for her right?_

_She's your BFF and I bet you two share everything with each other secrets, crushes , I bet you give each other advice and do each others makeups and go shopping together..._

I didn't want to talk but she seemed so sweet and she seemed to get it ..

_That's how it was for Katie and I when we were younger heck that's how we still are just cause were older now hasn't changed anything right hipster.._

She bumped her hip against Katie's side causing her to almost fall making me giggle. Sam remained silent glaring.

_I bet you two have been friends for a long time Sam seems to really be clinging to you like she trusts you with her whole heart.._

Sam looked at her like to say you ain't tricking me into talking. I just nodded Spencer looked at me pleading with me why was everyone looking at me? Why was I suddenly the go to person? Sam curled her knees up to her chest burying herself into my pillows behind me. I swallowed she looked so lost and scared so broken.

_I would bet a million dollars Carly that you love Sam and want to be able to share all these awesome times in another ten years.._

_Am I wrong? Cause if I .._

_No your right I want Sam to be my best friend forever..._

My voice cracked I knew she would hate me but she needed help and I wasn't the one to give it to her I

Couldn't even come out to my older brother how could I help her? Laura nodded at Katie who smiled at me.

_Can we help Sam then?_

_Yes...just be gentle please..._

_Get away from me!_

Sam tried to kick Laura but they grabbed her and held her while Laura gave her a quick shot Sam relaxed in seconds.

_What did you do to her!_

I cried out but Spencer grabbed me before I could go after them. Sam lay in a ball arms wrapped tightly

around herself.

_We only gave her a shot of _ _Trazodone it will help stabilize her mood and keep her calm so we can talk to her without the fear of her hurting herself._

_Can I hold her hand? _

_Yes I'm sure she would like it it may even calm her down more..._

_Sometimes friends are the best medicine _

I nodded and sat next to her she looked at me I slide my arm over her back she curled into my side resting her head on my shoulder.

_Sam My name is Laura can I examine you please? Carly will be right here she won't let us hurt you not That we would were here to help you Sam will you let us? _

_If Not For yourself for Carly? She seems really sweet and like she cares a great deal for you I bet it would help ease her mind to know that you were safe._

She looked at me and sighed I pulled her close and kissed her head whispering for her to please let them help her she didn't like it one bit yet she didn't fight them just held my hand tighter.

_Sam can we ask you some questions and can we trust you to answer them honestly to the best of your abilities? _

_Yes..you can.._

_Can you tell us your name ?_

_Sam Puckett _

_Sam is that short for anything? _

_No_

_Well that was quick _

They shared a good laugh at that as I whispered Samantha Laura nodded her thanks at me.

_Sam can you tell us your age and birthday?_

She did what they asked then they asked her a bunch of questions which made me think.

_Can you tell us how you have been sleeping lately? How has your eating been?_

She looked at us her eyes looked down but Spencer came over and sat by us Sam seemed to feel safer cause she loosened her grip on me.

_Sleeping hasn't been so great it sucks really _

_Can you tell us why?_

_Cause my mind just keeps going_

_What's it thinking about?_

_Everything school how my grades suck all because of me and how if I don't get into a good college Carly and I will be split up next year _

_She means a lot to you huh?_

_She's everything to me_

_Can you tell me why? I'm sure someone as pretty and funny as you has a lot of friends_

She laughed sarcastically

_Don't bet on it lady cause you'll lose _

_Why are you afraid you'll lose contact? Even if you go to different schools there's cell phones internet you can stay in contact _

_Sure for awhile but then she would get caught up in school functions and meet some cute boy meet new friends and forget about me.._

I said nothing but my eyes welled up they were signaling me to keep quiet so I did what they said. She was breaking my heart though did she really think that little of herself of our friendship?

_Why do you believe that Sam?_

_Cause look at her Carly's hot she can have any guy she wants and she well she's smart and funny and _

_She's ..she's f...g perfect she's the dream girl and I'm.._

_Your what Sam?_

_Nothing …_

_It has to be something to make you feel like hurting yourself is worth it.._

_Nothing .._

_It's okay to tell us Sam we won't judge you .._

_I just did aren't you listening to me!_

_You said nothing.._

_Exactly I''m Nothing a Nobody a reject a freak ..I'm not worth remembering _

_Sam!_

I couldn't hold it in any longer the tears fell as I wrapped my arms around her they had finished the physical part of the exam.

_So you can't sleep cause you think your not worth remembering?_

She nodded as she fought off the tears I felt her chest welling up beating harder as she struggled not to break damn I wish she would just break already.

_How long have you been feeling like this?_

She shrugged not looking up Laura gently placed her finger under Sam's chin lifting it up I saw how her eyes were filled with pain and hurt and anger.

_A long time I can't pin point when it started it's just always been there _

_Has it gotten worse lately?_

_Yes..for a few months since maybe May or so _

_Were in September that's a pretty long time to suffer have you tried to talk to anyone?_

_No there's no one to talk to _

_You seem to have a lot of friends Sam Spencer , Carly that young man and his mom downstairs_

_Freddie hates me his mom is crazy and I can't talk to Carly or Spencer not about this_

_Why not they seem willing to help _

_Cause if I told Carly I know she would feel guilty and try to hold herself back and I don't want that she has a great future ahead of her she can be any thing she wants go anywhere she's not stuck here like I am.._

_Why do you feel like your stuck Sam your 17 you have a lot of time _

_I'm a loser I'm not going anywhere except jail or the grave and I don't want to go back to jail I don't want to be like the rest of my family I want to escape.._

_So you think this is a good way?_

She shock her head

_It's not a good way it's just my only way_

_Sam there are other ways we can help you will you let us?_

_Sure I screwed this one up do your best but I doubt it will work_

_Well we can't hurt by trying right have you been eating okay?_

_I guess _

_Have you been feeling anxious? _

_Not really just tired _

_Do you sleep during the day? _

_Just in classes but who doesn't expect Carly and Freddie_

_Hey!_

I hit her arm she giggled a bit which was music to my ears

_Do you have any __phobias?_

_No _

_Have you gained or lost weight? _

_I'm losing I can't figure out why I eat about the same_

_Depression can do this to you Sam were here to help you your doing amazing just keep answering honestly to us please._

_Do you have any habits or compulsions, _

_What do you mean?_

_Well do you have a pattern that you follow that if you break you start to panic?_

_No I'm not really into planning I kind of live by the moment_

_Okay excellent answer Sam_

_Now we need to ask you some personal things _

_Is that okay?_

_Yes _

_I saw when we were examining you that you had a lot of scars on your arms and legs and thighs _

_Did you do these yourself?_

_Yea .._

Her voice was dull and hesitant but she answered truthfully I saw Spencer gulp and swallow he looked shaken and so pissed but he was staying cool.

_How long have you been cutting yourself how often?_

_Six years or so it started just every once in a while as a way to deal with chiz but it escalated about three months ago to every week then twice a week about three weeks ago I started doing it every day._

_What do you use when you do this Sam?_

_Anything I can I started with a piece of mirror _

_Can you tell us how you felt when you first did it?_

_Yea sure why not I ain't got nothing better to do it started when Mom and I had another fight she was telling me how much she hated me and how ashamed she was of me that she thought I was a freak and that. I was switched at birth with her real daughter that Mel was her only daughter cause she was perfect and sweet and never got in trouble that she followed the rules and got good grades how she was so pretty and thin and she wasn't a pig._

_I ..just... I cou...I can't figure out how if were twins why she can't love both of us equal why did Mel have to get it all? Does god hate me that much ? I mean he has to right he cursed me with her looks but he gave everything else to her..brains manners sweetness what did he leave me with anger and hate? _

_Even the nub loves Mel more and he barely knows her yet he had sex with me .._

_I was angry the mirror it was mocking me reminding me that just cause I looked like her didn't mean I would ever be good enough like her every time I looked in it I saw her I heard her and I heard mom _

_Saying I would never be her..so I ..I broke it and it shattered and mom damn she was so mad she came storming in screaming waving her bottle around she hit me with the broken bottle screaming that I was worthless and careless and I was a ignorant brat who didn't care about anyone other then me.. she _

_wouldn't stop hitting me no matter how hard I cried or screamed no matter how hard I fought her she was stronger and meaner she was so drunk she reeked of the damn chiz she just kept beating me she smashed my face into the broken glass and when I was motionless she took a piece of the broken mirror and she held it to my throat ..she told..._

Sam was chocking on her tears as she told us the tears wouldn't be held back any longer as her whole body was shaking and almost convulsing. I held her Spencer wrapped his arms over me as my tears ran freely down my checks.

_To do something right for once and just kill myself that it would be the best present I would give her this season she said I couldn't even be born straight but maybe I could go out the right way..._

_So.. I god.. I ..took the piece she gave me and I slide it over my wrist she clapped and told me to keep doing it till there was no more blood left to be spilled I did what she said I just kept cutting on both my arms and I started on my legs at some point she left but I don't remember much after that it was kind of a daze._

_Why didn't you tell anyone about the abuse Sam? I get the feeling this wasn't the first time she hurt you_

_I couldn't she told me If I ever told anyone she would hurt Carly and I believe her she knows how much Carly means to me and she resents her ..she hates the fact that Carly gives me a reason to fight she wants me dead she thinks I am a disgrace that god made a mistake when I was born cause I was born the wrong way._

_What do you mean you were born the wrong way?_

_I'm gay okay I was born a lesbian and my mom hates gays she thinks were a abomination _

_How long have you known you were gay? _

_Three years or so I just came out last year well to everyone else expect Carly_

_So Carly knew longer? _

_Yea she knew since we were 13 _

_How did she take the news? _

_She said I was perfect the way I was made and she loved me gay straight or bi as long as I stayed true to who I was.._

_She sounds like a great friend_

_The best _

_I bet you would do anything for her huh?_

_Yes always _

_So I am willing to bet that the thing she wants most is for you to be happy and healthy _

_Am I right Carly?_

_Yes she means everything to me I just want her to know how much she is loved and how worth it she is _

_I think in order for that to happen Sam you are going to have to be willing to be helped and that means talking to someone trained .._

_Are you willing to do this?_

She looked at me I was crying so hard I could barely see Spencer I felt him squeeze her arm..her voice cracked as she replied a soft yes.

_Can you tell me Sam when you cut yourself were you trying to kill yourself?_

_No I just wanted the pain to stop_

_What changed today? Did someone say something to you do something to you?_

_Kids at school they made comments they did things to me.._

_Can you tell us what kind of things Sam?_

_I don't..I don't want to .._

_Sam we need you to be honest .._

_No okay just stop I don't want to talk about it I will go do whatever you want but I can't talk about it please just stop pressuring me! _

_Okay Sam you've done everything we asked I think we can stop for now but we have to go for a ride can you go with us?_

She sank into my arms pulling my arms over her chest burying herself inside of me.

_Can I come? It may be the only way she'll go_

_It's unusual but if Sam is more comfortable will allow it will need you to follow Spencer .._

_Of course .._

All these months Sam had been feeling this alone and scared this hurt how did I not see the signs? She was given hints all around us not sleeping she stayed over here more then her place how did I miss it?

She was losing weight I even commented on it this summer when she was in her swimsuit I had seen the difference since last summer she had shrugged it off so I let it go. She had been quieter these last

few weeks she had been more emotional and edgier. How did I not see the scars? We changed together all the time we shared my bed . She had started smoking weed on school nights and drinking more and more this past school year she told me it calmed her so I let it go she swore she had it under control but now I saw it as a sign that it wasn't just to calm herself she was using it as a escape to cover up how hopeless and helpless she felt she hated feeling that way. I started to think back to everything that she had been showing me she was crying for help on so many levels..

Lack of enthusiasm and motivation I thought it was typical Sam but it had gotten worse and worse she was throwing me hints all over and I ignored them.

A profound sense of hopelessness, guilt or unhappiness she was always saying it when we were alone. Fatigue or lack of energy as soon as we came home she crashed on my couch or my bed I had to drag her to go anywhere even the Groovy smoothie. Difficulty concentrating, Tearfulness or frequent crying she never let anyone see her cry except me but I had seen her break down over the last three weeks more then I had in our whole friendship the littlest things set her off a comment a look a commercial a memory.

Thoughts of death or suicide she had shown me some of her lyrics they were dark and sad but she laughed and told me she was just experimenting. Decline in school performance she was never a straight A student but she was smart, .Withdrawal from or change of friends she hadn't wanted to hang with anyone outside of me lately even Freddie. Withdrawal from family and regular activities. Lack of interest in the future. Dramatic change in personality or behavior such as extreme moodiness or irritability, prone to angry outbursts which can get violent, easily frustrated, and irritable, grumpy or hostile. Most would say that was Sam on a good day but I knew better she was funny and sweet when she wanted to be but lately that side had vanished why hadn't I seen these hints? Maybe I would have been able to stop them.

If I wasn't so caught up in my own world maybe I would of seen them and been able to stop her from feeling so hopeless.


	12. Chapter 12 Valentine

**Carly's P.O.V**

**Valentine **

They lead us inside a new looking building I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open but I was so scared I wouldn't dare close them. Sam was clinging to me and I could sense how scared she was.

After they went through a check in we went to her room she didn't want to let go of me and it broke my heart.

Laura came in with a new lady who she introduced as Novel Harmony she was the charge RN she smiled at us as Sam buried her face into my arm.

They went over a bunch of stuff Spencer was answering question after questions for her all I heard though were Sam's soft whimpers as she held on to me. Wrapping my arms around her all I wanted was to protect her and keep her from ever feeling so alone again.

_Sam I understand that you are scared and hurt and you just want to feel_

_Safe I can see Carly here is the one who makes you feel that way _

_I want you to know that were not here to hurt you _

_Sometimes it's easy to confuse the two when your here cause we make you talk about some pretty_

_Painful stuff which seems cruel when you have already been hurt so bad when you start to feel_

_Like it's too much I want you to say a code word you can tell Carly she'll be with you every step of the way._

_If that's okay with you Sam..._

_Our approach here at King's County LAUGH is to make each one of our kids to feel like their needs matter for you it means having Carly here for a day or two.._

_What Does Laugh stand for? _Spencer asked sensing that Sam wasn't listening

_Love, Acceptance ,Unite, Gainst , Hatred_

_That's pretty .._

_Yes it is Freddie , Sam I'm going to give you some pills one is a sleeping pill to help you relax and one is a anti-depression it's called Effector ._

She didn't fight her as she slipped the pills in her mouth handed her some water and waited while she took them checking Sam's mouth to make sure she had swallowed them.

Sam wasn't allowed to have any personal's in her room which means I couldn't either they gave us both a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt two blankets and two pillows. She seemed worn out so I

Helped her lay down and curled up with her.

Spencer stepped outside with the two ladies as Sam and I laid our heads down our legs entangled.

_Carly _

_Yes babe?_

_Thanks ...I think I found my word_

_What is it hun? _

_Valentine cause I want to have my own someday to call mine.._

_Someday will be here sooner then you think honey just keep hanging on I'll be here for you always_

I kissed her check and pulled the covers up settling with her.

I don't know what was in the drugs they gave her but the pills really knocked her out she just laid there she didn't want to eat or talk she remained curled up in a ball arms around herself as a protective measure.

They didn't leave her alone for anything there was a nurse that stayed in her room during meal times not that it mattered since she didn't eat or drink anyway. They checked her weight every morning and her vitals every hour. I had to force her to even get up and go to the bathroom then I had to pull her pants down and force her to sit but they didn't leave her alone even for that someone stood at her door watching. It was humiliating even for me to know she was being watched like that but I also understood they were afraid she would hurt herself. I was getting more and more worried every minute what could I do to get through to her?

The second day we were there her new therapist came in she was in her mid 30's dressed in a dark Grey suit with a light pink blouse. She had long blond hair stripped pink, purple and blue she had green eyes so pure they were like ivy. She shock our hands and introduced herself as Dr. Stephanie Meyers I liked her approach right away she sat on the bed with Sam placing her hand on Sam's side she didn't turn to face Steph [as she asked us to call her] only curled up tighter . Her voice was gentle but firm as she spoke to Sam.

_I understand a lot of what you are going through Sam I know it's hard to trust when you have been so hurt already but I want you to know that your safe here no one will judge you or hurt you._

_We love you for who you are.._

Sam said nothing her eyes never left the wall she had been staring at for the last day and a half. Which didn't seem to faze Steph she just kept talking but I barely heard her all I heard was my own voice screaming crowd, chicken, loser, how could you let Sam go through this knowing you have just as many issues?

_Sam apart of acceptance is finding the confidence to love yourself instead of saying your a bad kid or _

_That your unloved try to say to yourself .._

_I am worthy of love I am special I'm not a bad kid_

_Don't believe other people when they tell you that being gay is a sin and that your sinning_

_I get that your sad and feel hopeless but there is hope people will love you for who you are_

_I'm here to help you see this I know it will take time and I can wait for you I believe you are special and I can't wait to get to know you..I'm going to let to you rest for now but I will be back later today to check on you._

Novel came in to check her vitals so I walked with Steph into the hall which was quiet for a mid day hour. Steph shock my hand I noticed how pretty she was clear smooth skin which made her eyes pop out she had a glittery nose ring on her left side and 6 earnings in each ear. She was also tall and slender but you could tell she worked out ..why was I noticing all this? Focus Carly stop lusting after Sam's therapist you sick kid. I swallowed before asking.

_Will she be okay? I have never seen her so …_

_Unresponsive? That the word your looking for?_

_Yea that will work_

_It's the drugs we always give them a heavy does the first day or two it calms them down so they don't freak out the first few days are the hardest and we want to keep the kids calm so they don't harm themselves or have a complete breakdown. In a day or so we will start to ease the dosage so she starts to come back to earth you'll see the Sam you know well sort of she's facing some major struggles ahead she may be quieter and more isolated but that's why were here to help her through this depression and get her back to being healthier. _

_How long can I stay for?_

_A few days but she'll need to do this on her own without any clutches Sam's been depressed for a long period of time that much is blatantly obvious so it won't be easy but we can get her healthy again._

_Hang in there Carly I know this is hard on you as well and I encourage you to attend sessions with Sam weekly to help get your feelings out there she needs to see what this is doing to the people who love her and she needs to know people do love her._

_Were start her on a mild anti-depression and judge her need for a dosage she will attend a session with me at least once a day more if she feels the need plus we have group sessions every day at ten am and 5pm she will be on set meal times if she doesn't eat she will lose privileges like visiting , TV time, phone time, relaxation time or time with friends if she meets any here which she prob will. _

_When will she get those privileges? She seems confined to her room? _

_As soon as she starts to eat and speak as long as she corporates she'll get privileges we will encourage _

_That you stay away for at least a week once you leave just so she has time to settle in so I am going to ask you not to call or text her. I will call you and Spencer as soon as it's safe._

The part I was dreading leaving her. I swallowed fighting off tears she pulled me into a hug and held me as the damn exploded.

_It's for her own good Carly I know it hurts but we are trying to save her life._

_I know I just hate for her to be so sad_

_So do I and you have my personal word I will not stop fighting for Sam ever..._

_I believe you thank you just please make sure she knows I love her _

_I will Carly _

When Sam was asleep I sneaked away to the computer room and checked which was blowing up full of debates over this most were in utter shock that Sam would do this and were wishing her the best a few were down right rude and it brought tears to my eyes to see comments like ..

_Juliaisthechiz: You stupid b...h why did you save that h..she should of blown her head off Die Dyke Die!_

How was she even back I reported her I know I did! I was burning mad but she wasn't the only comment that was uncalled for there were many more too many more to even count my head was spinning how could people be so cold? So rude? What did little kids think when they read these comments? For every mean comment though there were plenty that were encouraging. Quite a few fans wrote blogs on Sam so I printed them out so I could read them to her.

Later in the room I laid beside her and held her brushing her hair back and reading to her Jamie's latest blog.

_Unicorns Are Free_

_So today I wanted to write about someone who has a profound impact on my life. Her name. yes I know a girl I bet no one ever thought they would see or hear me say that huh? _

_Shocker the gay kid likes a girl...get over it you small minded freaks...No this is not some big Epiphany I'm not turning straight. All I'm saying is that this person has given me inspiration and hope to stand tall and be proud of who I am. _

_She has taught me that you shouldn't judge someone on the outside you should look deep inside , she taught me that I have nothing to be ashamed of , she taught me that as hard as life can be there's always a reason to smile and laugh that we all make our own destiny's we are in charge of our lives and we are the ones who have to stand tall and be proud of who we are and others will follow our examples and if they don't screw them . _

_Who is she? You know her I know you do she's loud she's obnoxious she's tough and bold she's colorful she doesn't take Chiz from anyone grownups included. Her name's Sam Puckett and she's 1/3 of iCarly ._

_It's because of her I found the guts to go after my dreams even though it means putting up with tons of harassment and bullying everyday..Do you have any idea what it's like to walk down your school hallway and hear the words " Queer" Fag" Die Homo die" everyday? Well I do it's hell complete and utter hell._

_I can't figure out why it's always me that is the butt of every joke just because I am the only openly gay student what gives these twits the right to go after me? _

_I'm just like every other teen age boy out there ya know?_

_I want the same things everyone else wants _"_I wish I could be happy, I try, I try, I try ... I just want to feel special to someone, I want love maybe not right now. I mean yea I'm only 15! I'm not ready to get married and have babies yet but someday ya know someday. I just want the same rights as everyone else why is that so hard? _

_Sam she kind of made me feel it was possible she is smart , funny she's popular and people love her and she is as out and proud as anyone could ever get..she wears shirts to shout it everyday her last one was her too cute to be straight shirt ,she dyed her hair to symbolize the gay flag colors she didn't let anyone tell her that she should be ashamed or make her feel afraid she stood up for her belief . _

_Sam was changing the world ...then the day came I never thought could happen they broke her I know it's impossible to believe that the great Sam Puckett could be broken but even super hero's can be taken down._

_Sam reminds me of one of those mythical creatures she's wild and unpredictable she's strong and she is a rainbow of many blazing colors she tears through the night ..she's just as beautiful and strong as a unicorn . Why can't we just let them run free here? Why do they feel the need to go far away? To a far more beautiful place? Why can't we make them feel at home here? Why can't we make Earth a more beautiful place maybe these creatures would find a reason to stay._

_Sam if you are reading this please don't give up we need your light down here you are our leader Run free down here wild unicorn .._

_Paws up Jamie H_

I looked at Sam as I was reading it and I finally saw that light come back into her eyes she sat up curling by me. I could feel her hot salty breath as it hit my check. Her arms slowly untangled themselves from around her placing them around my waist as she laid her head down on my shoulder.

My eyes scanned her whole body up and down she looked so beautiful even without makeup without her hair combed she was just stunning to me her eyes held such depth, I felt myself welling up I would be so lucky if I could land her as a girlfriend but Sam wasn't in love with me. I wasn't that lucky laying

My head down on top of her head I breathed in her scent sweet and saucy just like her.

_Sam .._

_Yea_ _Carly?_

_I .._

_Carly what's wrong?_

I looked down I couldn't tell her she had so many issues of her own but I wanted to so bad. It was eating me alive I had been holding it in for so long.

_Carly I know something is bothering you what is it?_

_Sam you know that your my best friend right?_

_Always..your mine to babe why?_

_Would you consider..._

I chewed my lip closing my eyes now or never..

_Would you consider being more?_

_What are you saying?_

I leaned in and without even thinking about it I kissed her straight on her lips.

She was shocked as she laid back staring at me.

_Valentine? _

_Forever babe..if you'll have me..._

She grinned and pulled me down to her holding her. It was the sweetest place I could ever be.


	13. Chapter 13 A Brother's View

**Spencer's P.O.V**

**A Brother's View**

" _Hey Kid-o it's time to go..._

I watched as Carly gave Sam a tight hug I could see every muscle tense in Carly's slender body. She was trying so hard not to cry as she held onto Sam who looked lost and detached. No makeup on her hair which was frizzy was pulled back into a ponytail she was dressed in Gray old sweatpants and a white undershirt. I could see how thin she had gotten and I mentally kicked myself for not seeing it sooner how did I miss the signs? Her call for help? Carly sighed as she pulled back whispering to Sam what was she saying? I couldn't hear but as curious as I was I stepped back and gave the two girls privacy.

Freddie and Mrs. Benson were standing on the side looking at the two girls Freddie was swooshing his foot back and forth across the tiles. Sam's new counselor Steph was standing by the door of the visiting room watching the whole scene her eyes took in everything that was going on.

I saw her nod at me after about 10 minutes. Clearing my throat I went over and touched Carly's shoulder lightly. She sighed as she came out of their embrace and kissed her check Sam stayed motionless her eyes casted down to the floor. Carly stepped back squeezing her hand smiling as I stepped forward.

_Sam I need you to listen to what the people here say their trying to help you I know it's hard_

_Sam look at me.._

Slowly she did her eyes were filled with so much pain and hate, hate that she was directing at herself which made me so mad I wanted to punch someone. There were tears there as well tears I knew she was too proud to ever shed but tears that were clogging her throat and her mind.

I reached over and gave her a big hug she sank into my arms. I wanted to hold her forever and never let her go I was so afraid that if I did that when I looked again she would be gone.

_Sam please let them help you I know you feel that life is too hard and that you will always be in pain but I swear it won't be like this all the time life is beautiful and so are you please hold on and let them help you see this. Carly , Freddie and I will always be here for you. _

She didn't say anything just looked at me shifting her feet.

Steph called me and Marisa into the hall ..

_Thank you both for coming here today to show your support for Sam it's a huge step for her to admit that she needs help and that she's willing to work towards it._

_I promise I will keep you both informed of her progress and I hope you two will come to group sessions with her each week._

We both nodded she smiled.

_I believe Sam will make excellent progress as long as she wants to ..she seems ready to as I explained _

_To Carly and Freddie I ask you not to call for at least a week or two so Sam can settle in and start treatment after that I will encourage reg contact with her._

She wasmy little sister in every way that counted expect blood I wanted nothing more then to hold her comfort her take away this pain. I saw the scars on her arms and I wanted to kill myself for not seeing before how much pain she was in why didn't I pay closer attention?

I blamed myself really..I mean her mom was useless I was the grownup in her life the one who was suppose to protect her encourage her support her.

Coming up I held her close and swore I would never let myself slip again.

_Spence it's going to be okay I will get better I promise please don't blame yourself.._

Her voice was soft as she spoke not Sam like. How did she know what I was thinking? She amazed me.

Running my hand over her face I nodded ..she leaned in whispering to me..

_Take care of Carly for me please.._

_I will Sam.._

Her words rung inside my head what did she mean? Did she know something I didn't? Carly was in Freddie's arms shaking he held her as he rubbed her back soothing her.

I waited in the car feeling my whole body shake as I thought about the fact that only three days ago we had almost lost Sam forever. Carly was talking to Freddie and Mrs. Benson ...closing my eyes I tried to control my breathing and soothe the pounding behind my ears.

I let my mind drift back to that day 9 years ago when I first met the blond headed little 8 year old.

I was in the living room working on a sculpture which involved glass chocolate and fire. And a ham sculpture ..yea not a great combo for me...it wasn't going so well..I was ready to give up and face the fact that I needed to get a real job to support Carly.

Then in comes this little bundle of energy with the cutest smile and bluest eyes I had ever seen she was dressed in torn dirty clothes .

She promptly ate all my chocolate and everything in the fridge minus the veggies which she declared yucky …

I stared at her in shock as Carly who hadn't smiled or laughed in months was now hysterical rolling on the floor, Sam who was unaware of the fact that she had just preformed a miracle in my life turned up the music and started dancing. She had no idea how worried I had been about Carly who now appeared happier then I had seen her since our mom died. I had started to give up on seeing this side of her again. She restored that to me and it was the sweetest feeling ever.

I thought back to three years ago...

The sound of the car door slamming brought me back to reality . Carly was shaking and trying not to cry without words I engulfed her into my arms.

Rubbing her back I pulled her closer ..

_Carly I hope you know that you can always come to me if you ever need anything._

_I'm here if you want to talk _

_Spencer I'm scared _

_What's wrong Carly? Sam's okay kid she'll be fine we got to her in time_

_Expect we almost didn't we almost lost her I don't know what I would do without her _

_How could I survive this..._

_Survive what Carly? Talk to me_

Carly was shaking so hard I was worried she was going to have a break down like Sam did.

_Spencer promise me something _

_What is it kid?_

_That you'll never stop loving me _

_Carly how could you ask such a thing?_

_I'm your brother of course I'll always love you_

_No matter what Spencer?_

_Yes Carly that's why were family..._

_What's bothering you? _

_Spencer I ..promise me you won't say anything to anyone_

_I promise Carly what's wrong?_

_I'm gay Spencer and I don't know what to do how to tell Freddie how to even come out ...I just...god you hate me now I know you do don't try to deny it please just tell me what's are you going to do are you going to kick me out? _

_Carly calm down of course I don't hate you I already told you my love is forever and I would never _

_Kick you out Carly as far as Freddie one step at a time you need to prepare yourself and you need to come to terms with what this means to you before you go telling people find out how you feel will get information will talk to Steph just take it easy Carly one day at a time._

_Calm down okay were going home your taking a shower and once your feeling better will sit down and talk and see how you feel with some rest. Sound okay?_

I pulled away staring into her eyes brushing her hair out of her face she looked broken something I never wanted to see my little sister as. Slowly she nodded as she laid back closing her eyes her chest starting to ease as the tears stopped. I brushed her face and took a deep breath. Deep breath Spencer you'll need it life was about to get a whole lot more complicated Welcome to High School hell. I remember those days god I never wanted Carly to go through them. Things were already going to be hard for her she had no parents she was gorgeous so every guy wanted her she was sweet too sweet too easy for guys to take advantage of her she was smart so people expected her to be at the top of her class

she was ambitious so teachers expected her to always be a part of some team or club she had so much on her shoulders now add this that she was gay and things were about to really implode.

We would get through this though I knew we would we had to Sam needed us.


	14. Chapter 14 Blackness

**Sam's p o v**

**Blackness **

I watched while Spencer lead Carly out of the room my heart broke in half she would never know how much I loved her she could never know even though she had admitted to me she was gay I couldn't put her through this.

What is this? Well my pure utter mind blowing hell...where everyday I feel like I die a little more each day . How could I let her come out when I knew what was in store for her? When I loved her enough to die to protect her?

Spencer's breath and his words he said lingered in my ear I knew he loved me and would do anything for me but no matter how much anyone loved me they could never understand what my life was like what made me so afraid and what brought me so much pain and they could never take this pain away.

Tears clouded my eyes as I watched them leave digging my fingernails into my arm so I wouldn't feel the pain inside I fought off the tears.

When they were gone from sight I found myself shivering as it hit me I was alone now. Looking around I saw people watching me which unnerved me Steph was coming closer as I looked around the visiting area where kids were with family and friends. I saw a girl about 16 with long black and purple and sliver hair sitting with another women who was older about 26 or so they didn't look at all alike so I wondered who she could be a friend? Then I saw that a lot of kids had older people visiting them . Why would someone that age associate with someone my age? That was a little creepy is this what my life would end up like? Would I never be able to find a girl my age to love me? Would I leave myself open for some creep to take advantage of me?

I swallowed as I sat down feeling dizzy and a little sick how did I end up here? Where was here exactly? How long did I have to stay? I felt funny like someone was watching me which made me tense no one would ever take advantage of me or catch me off guard ...never again...quickly I spun my head taking a good long look around me.

I spotted the person she was about 18 or 19 wearing black sweats with killer boots showcasing imaginable long legs that even made Carly look like a midget . She had the sweetest soft brown eyes that reminded me of two milk chocolate bars her skin was so rich and smooth it made me think of molasses.

I turned away shivering as Steph Came over to me ..

_Sam sweetie we need to get you to your room are you okay?_

I felt sick I was far from okay looking around I felt more alone then I ever had. It was the darkest and deepest pit of blackness.

She lead me to my room I was shivering as she helped me lay in my bed.

_Sam can you talk to me tell me how your feeling seeing Spencer and Carly leaving?_

_It's okay to talk honey .._

_I won't pressure you but that's why were here to help you and support you.._

_What is here?_

_Here is a place called l.a.u.g.h_

How appropriate I hadn't done that simple word in months I mean not genuine anyway and now here I was trapped in this place. I would laugh if I could but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide away I felt like crying. Why wouldn't I? I was a freak and everyone knew it. I wasn't worth loving why should I be happy? What gave me the right to laugh?

My lips were dry my throat was burning and my head pounding all I wanted was some peace was that too much to ask?

Yet there was a part of me that was burning to know more a part of me that didn't want to be alone as much as I tried to fight it.

All I had to do was ask her to stay and she would I knew that much ..Still the voices inside raged a battle my mom's voice playing the bad angel and Carly's voice as the good angel.

_Your dumb Sam why would anyway take time to stay with you _

_Your a freak a Loser a sick Pervert _

_Sam your always be Sam to me Being Gay doesn't change anything to me Your still Sam_

_Your Nothing but a curse I wish I had left you on that bus I always knew you would end up in hell no one believed me but now they will cause that's where sick freaks like you go to your the scum under the scum …_

_Sam listen to me your funny your smart your sexy your the only girl I know who can beat up a 300lb man with one hand tied behind her back you can devour a whole ham in 20 seconds. Sam you have so many unique and awesome talents a few freaky yes but that doesn't make you a freak besides who said freaky is a bad thing ? _

_Own your freakishness Sam make it something to be proud of I am..._

Maybe it was a lie though I mean I believed her at the time but if she was so damn proud why hide who she really was?

I was so confused should I ask her to stay should I talk? All I knew was my head was pounding so hard I felt like I would puke.

Squeezing my eyes shut I willed the pain to go away one way or another.

Gasping as something cold and metal was stuck into my arm I couldn't talk I tried to swing but I was held down I tried to bite but I was frozen …

_Relax Sam it's just a shot to calm you down and help you relax Spencer okay-ed it .._

Spencer and I would have a little talking to once I got out of here and by talking I meant my fist his face.


	15. Chapter 15 Fog

**Sam's P.O.V**

**Fog**

Where was I? There was fog all around no matter which way I turned I couldn't escape it. It followed me wherever I went, chocking me blinding me making my eyes water from the thickness and the nasty smell.

It felt like I was walking through clouds but I wasn't cause Clouds were suppose to be soft and cuddly light ..well at least that's what I always pictured.

Whatever this chiz..well it wasn't clouds. My eyes squinted as I tried to adjust to the darkness a sharp difference from the bright lights that had been blinding me.

Loud music filled the air heavy guitars ..the words weren't legible just shrieks and squeals of off tone drunk wannabe rockers.

People were dancing all around me shoving me I couldn't get through the crowd no one even seemed to notice me. Expect the one person around my age she was on the steps waving to me she looked tensed but I couldn't see her face. I tried to focus but everything was off balance it was like I was on some kind of bad trip.

_Sam calm down .._

Who was on the steps? I had to find out I tried to shove people but instead I was shoved down as the guy laughed deep. Angry I started to get up but I couldn't move it was like I was stuck in quicksand my breath coming in quick hard sessions. My chest squeezed tight making me gasp.

_Sam please calm down _

_Give me another 10 mg of __fluoxetine _

_Restrain her _

Every Thing was so foggy why were they yelling who were they ? Who was being restrained? Who was that kid on the steps?

Darkness became light it burned my eyes making my head pound my stomach rise, I gagged I could hear myself groaning.

_Give me 30 cc of Metoclopramide _

_Combative, hallucination ..._

Rainbows danced in front of my eyes ..clouds..loud music ..shouting..

_Sam it's Steph please calm down.._

_Sam your safe ..Sam take a deep breath.._

_She's swinging watch out!_

Who was Steph? Who was swinging? Why weren't these people telling me? Who were these people?

Why did my chest feel so tight?

_Panic attack ..hyperventilating .._

_Sam baby relax..._

Who was calling me baby? Sharp quick pain filled my sense my arm tingled but the pressure in my chest rested. The lights slipped away slowly ...the voices dimmed, The words dulled.

_She's..out..hours.._

Till there was nothing expect silence and blackness just the way I liked it.


	16. Chapter 16 The Fog Clears

**The Fog Clears**

**Sam's p o v**

The imagines were clearer now the fog wasn't clouds it was smoke ..pure throat clogging chest compression smoke. Mom was having one of her wild parties again..she had been having them for months every night now. The music was so loud it was shaking the whole house which was already in pretty rough shape broken windows shredded floors peeling wall paper rotten food the only kind we had in the whole house glass shattered from broken alcohol bottles the stink of Mom's drinks penetrated the air making me gag. Her friends were acting stupid dancing with their private parts against another person. Yelling and laughing out of control a few people were pushing other people against the walls kissing and grabbing each other in dirty places that my teacher always told us not to touch on someone else.

I watched from my view point like a bird my eyes caught all of it.

_Sam I'm scared I don't like Momma like this_

I glanced down with one eye never taking my other eye off of everyone else trust no one is what I had learned from an early age.

Melanie was by my left side tears pooling out of her beautiful eyes her blond curls pulled back behind her ears.

We may be twins but you could never confuse us for identical even though we were.

Even at age 8 Mel carried herself with such dignity and grace always had the best clothes she was wearing a cute sundress of light orange she called it tangerine which had purple flowers on it. Mel was always freshly done up her hair in the best styles she had cute pink flats on. She always smelled amazing as well.

Then there was me in my ripped white jeans which were so dirty they looked black my huge white shirt

which had a million smiley faces frowning all over it saying Yucky ..my sneakers were so old they were missing laces and had holes in them they were covered in mud. I was sporting a huge black eye and check from a fight I got into today with Tommy Henderson I broke his arm and gave him a bloody nose.

Mel buried her head into my shoulders as we watched Mom dressed in the skimpiest black leather skirt that she could con out of latest sleazeball of a boyfriend shaking her butt against some dude's front side.

She had on a tight halter top which stopped below her breasts she was bra-less.

Mel was covering her ears and burying her face in my shirt as she cried she never handled Mom's parties well. The music was always too loud the strange noises the grownups made including mom bothered her the smells made her sick. Mom was now in the middle as four guys surrounded her one had her skirt pushed up so far you could see everything. I could tell the guys were from the crisp gang from the colors they were wearing. Mom had her arms dripped across two of the guys shoulders while she closed her eyes shaking her body pressed against those guys.

One guy grabbed her butt laughing as a bottle of vodka lingered from her finger tips over one of the guys shoulders.

_Sam can we go please _

I was tired and sore I didn't want to go any where the day had been so bad from the start. Thanks to Mom I got no sleep last night yet another one of her wild parties which lasted til 2am before her and some guy fell into bed making all kinds of noises and yelping. I only closed my eyes at 5 am to have Mel wake me up the first time which I hit her and rolled over ...falling asleep till 7:30 when Mel shock me again.

By the time I got up I would of had to run to school expect I don't run so I walked the 20 blocks since I missed the buss.

Mrs. Ramirez tore me apart in front of everyone which only made it worse the kids snickered laughing and pointing. I heard the whispers as soon as I entered the sneers from the girls who wrinkled their nose as if to say I smelled which maybe I did Mom hadn't paid the water bill for over a month so I couldn't shower or wash up. I had been wearing the same clothes for three days straight my hair was uncombed and clumped together it was too painful to even comb. My teeth felt paste like I hadn't been able to brush them in over a week.

_Sit down Puckett your already late ..Detention_

_No Recess Puckett !_

_Stupid jerk _I muttered as I headed to my seat

_Oh Mrs. Ramirez she called you a stupid jerk _

Tommy grinned I felt my face flush growing hot my blood boiled as kids snickered oohing and ahing.

Needles to say I ended up in the principal's office where he yelled at me non-stop Mr. Cirranello would do anything to make my life miserable.

Then I failed three tests which Tommy got a hold of reading out loud. The whole class made comments and snickered laughing. Diann shoved me so hard I fell into Mark Mattock who made a kissing noise then slapped his butt which produced the most horrendous and nasty smelling noise just as I fell against it.

I heard the whispers and the laughter..as I felt sick.

_She's so dumb _

_She's gross_

_Ew she reminds me of that stunk that lays in the garbage can in my backyard pee-you _

_Don't insult that cute innocent animal it can't help how it was born she can she's human all she needs _

_To do is take a bar of soap and scrub.._

I saw the flicker of disgust in their eyes, I fought back tears my chest felt tight it wasn't my fault mom didn't buy soap or pay the water bill.

_She's nasty you can't fix nasty_

_Shut-up Tommy!_

_Puckett stop talking!_

_But I .._

_I said shut your mouth after school detention now the next two days you won't show me disrespect young lady. I will teach you who's boss now sit down and shut your mouth._

_But I didn't do anything..._

I whispered as I crossed my arms heading to my seat fighting off the tears which were threatening harder and harder each second.

I didn't look up as I heard the snickers afraid I would cry and I would die if I cried in front of these jerks. 

Focus Sam just focus school would be over soon and you could escape...positive thoughts ..after school I could...I could...what go home? Suddenly the air rushed forward fast I hit the floor hard as everyone laughed my face flushed my head rushed my stomach leaped...my anger turned to full blown rage as I saw Tommy sitting there grinning his foot stuck out.

_Puckett when I said sit down I didn't mean the floor you stupid twit stop trying to .._

_He tripped me I swear!_

_No I didn't Mrs. Ramirez I swear she tripped she wasn't paying attention _

He rushed over to me his back to her as he stuck out his tongue making a cut my throat motion if I told.

I shoved him off ..

_Liar he's lying Mrs. Ramirez _

_No I'm not! _

_Puckett shut your lying mouth we all know what a fifthly dirty liar you are Tommy is a straight A student he is always respectful and helpful he's class president and student of the month. _

_More like leach of the month_

_Tommy take your seat the ungrateful brat can help herself up as everyone turns to page 32 in their _

_Reading book Sam will read the first page whenever she gets herself off the floor. _

_She can't read though Ma'am is that really fair? I mean she's just not that bright .._

Girls screamed as I lunged at him swinging at him and connecting with his jaw knocking him out of his desk the whole desk fell with us.

He jumped back and swung at me shocked I ducked and sent him flying into Gloria Hench's desk she screamed as her friend Alicia Davis pulled her back.

Before I could flinch Mr. Cirranello was trying to pull us apart but I kicked Tommy in the stomach he grunted as he fell. I dove after him his elbow smacked me in my eye as I picked his head up from behind and slammed it into a desk he kicked me below connecting as he turned to punch me in my face girls were crying and screaming as boys chanted and cheered. I grabbed his hand as he swung a second time and twisted it he yelped as he fell to his knees and I held strong hearing his bone crack.

Mr. C grabbed Tommy as Mr. Pickles grabbed me holding me high above his waist I kicked and screamed, He pulled me back .

_Take this one away Darren she's a monster she attacked poor Tommy for no reason..all he did was try to be nice and help her up and she tries to kill him she's a animal._

_He called me stupid!_

_He did not stop lying Samantha I was here we all were no one heard him say a word._

Her eyes challenged me there was no way I would win this fight and I knew it. She was a highly respected teacher I was a student who spent more time in detention then in class.

Mr. Pickles real name was Darren J Peckish he is the school guidance counselor.

Everyone loves him he's 42 but acts 22 he's always full of smiles and advice but he keeps it real as well he knows not all of us have happy go lucky lives.

He's one of the few grownups I like he always has food for me his favorite food is pickles he keeps a fresh jar in his desk everyday and hands them out cause he says they are a perfect mixture of sweet and sour just like kids we all have a little of each in us some just let one side show more then the other.

_Sam I know Tommy gets to you but that doesn't give you the right to put your hands on him._

_She didn't even ask my side!_

_She hates me it's not fair_

_Life's not fair Sam if it was I would be a baseball star rich and famous living in La...with all the ladies on my arm..._

I giggled thinking of dorky Mr. Pickles with his coke bottle glasses playing baseball.

_Aw I made you laugh Sam I know it's hard some kids have it rougher then others but take head young Jedi life won't always be this nasty your just a rose bud waiting for your seeds to bloom you have a lot to offer this world hold on you are so young and you have a great heart your strong you just got handed a raw deal._

_Promise me Sam you will remember that and you won't fight with your fists but with what you have up here.._

He pointed to his head and his heart but I was still so angry even biting the heads off the 23rd pickle did little to help sooth my rage.

_I never make a promise I can't keep Sir that's called lying and I don't lie.._

_Sam!_

_I'll deal Mr. P _

_Sam you know there are places you can go if..._

He eyed me I knew what he meant shelters and chiz, I couldn't do that they would split Mel and I up and she wasn't strong like I was.

_I'll be fine I always am..._

Back in class though I wasn't so sure ..

_Your mean Sam Tommy is so cute how could you be such a monster?_

_Cause she's not normal Angie_

_She's a freak a disgusting dirty freak_

_Shut-up Joyce _

_No you shut-up stinky go brush your teeth with acid your so gross you belong in the ground with the worms why don't you just kill yourself and do us all the favor .._

_Enough girls I don't need another lecture from Darren cause this cry baby runs to him .._

Mrs. Ramirezstopped in front of my desk staring me in my eyes..

_Open your mouth again Puck face and it'll be the last thing you ever say..understand?_

I stared at her in disbelief she was a teacher she was suppose to protect me I felt alone and so scared I felt like crying or throwing up. What was the point in coming here everyday if this was what it was

Going to be like?

_Turn to page 32 read from sections A-through sections G on page 35 and do the questions for homework thank Puckett.._

_Thanks Loser_

_You suck ..why don't you suck this.._

I sank down arms crossed ..

_Poor Tommy he's such a sweat-heart and he's soo cute. I wish he was my girlfriend maybe I will visit him and bring him a comic tell him I feel so bad cause that thing hurt him.._

_Tommy's a bird brain he would love your ugly butt both ends .._

_Your a dog Sam_

_Coming from you that's a compliment so thanks Pedigree_

_It's Pediment not Pedigree!_

_Whatever Bit..._

_Mrs. Ramirez she called me a..._

She faked crying as I walked out kicking my desk in the process.

By the time I got home my stomach hurt from all the pickles I had eaten . Mom was drunk and Mel wasn't home yet I ran up to my room as she yelled at me to stop being so rude and making so much noise.

I grabbed the dresser which was old and had more draws missing then were there and shoved against the door so she couldn't get in. My bed was a makeshift of covers I had pulled out of the garbage cans on the blocks and a wet old smelly mattress. I dragged from the dump- yard it was lumpy and nasty but it beat the cold hard floor.

I sank into it fighting off the tears which eventually won out till I was crying full bloom tears my body shaking as I hit my face why was I so ugly? Why was I cursed with this life? What did I do to earn this life? Why was I so stupid? Why did all the kids hate me why didn't Mrs. Ramirezstick up for me? I must be worthless then she was a grownup and they were always right / right?

I drifted off to sleep as I cried and cried when I woke up I heard Mel's voice home from her fancy private school. Slowly creeping downstairs I saw mom was playing with her hair singing to her as Mel ate a snack of apples and peanut butter. Tears pooled my eyes again mom would never give me that she would never play with me or sing to me like she did with Mel what was wrong with me?

Tears escaped again as I sank back against the wall burying my head in my face..

_Are you crying Puckett?_

_There's no crying in this house!_

Before I could even look up she had back slapped me so hard I fell back against the wall she threw something heavy it hit me in my face, I tasted blood as she snapped and started hitting me kicking me as she screamed at me I was a loser a disgrace . I cried harder and she got madder kicking me in my stomach and back.

Once she was done with me she threw me down the steps grabbing a bottle of southern comfort as she went to Mel who was crying she held her talking to her softly telling her she was a good child so she never had to worry she would never have to teach her a lesson. She kissed Mel's face as she told her she was sorry I had made her cry. That she was just cursed with a rotten sister.

Her friends started to arrive around 4 just as I finished throwing up.

Mel was getting more and more antsy as more people got drunker and stoned they started coming on to Mel trying to touch her make kissing noises to her, Talking dirty to her. I had to defend her sometimes physically.

The guys all laughed as they shoved me..

_Aw the wittle doggie wants to defend it's master woof woof want to fight with the big dawgs then get on your hands and knees doggie...you have a long time before you can handle us ..you been spending too much time in the dirt we like swans not little piggies like you.._

_I don't know she has a nice...a...she could be a good ride..maybe we should test it out before we knock it down.._

_Sam please can we go …_

The dude's started coming over to us I grabbed her fearful of what he would do we sprinted up the steps shoving people out of our way inside my room I shoved the dresser back in front of the door grabbing a sweatshirt for her opening the window .

We crouched below the kitchen window waiting for it to be clear I could hear Mom's voice in the kitchen with our Aunt Carrie's voice and some dude.

_That Mel sure is a sweet thing Pam_

_Well of course she is hun she's my daughter and I only produce the best Mel takes after me_

_So is Sam and she's well.._

_Go on say it she's ugly she's a disgrace that's cuz she ain't mine she's all Peter's they always say every family has a ugly duckling...quack quack_

_I swear she acts like a dyke all tough and un-groomed _

_Shut your mouth no daughter of mine will be a sick perverted monster!_

_I'm not saying she is gay I was just.._

_Shutting up before I punch you Carrie_

_Now Mel go..._

We ran and ran till our legs burned and we were sweating glancing around to see there was no cops around we ran into the park.

I fell onto the grass as she jumped onto the swings my heart was pounding my head was hurting all I wanted was to lay down..who said being young was so dang awesome?


	17. Chapter 17 Young

**Sam's p o v**

**Young**

At some point I got on one of the swings as Mel started talking.

_Sam I can't take this house anymore _

_I know Mel but we have to stay strong life will get better_

_How? I can't Sam I tried but I'm too afraid one of these Days Sam she's going to kill you_

_I can't watch Sam I just can't_

_What are you saying Mel? _

I pushed myself higher I could feel the wind ripping through my hair I could see the stars twinkling so bright the moon gleamed low and sad. It touched my heart as Mel's words were making it grow colder.

I saw myself among the atmosphere away from this place.

_I'm talking to my teacher about going to a different school tomorrow Sam .._

_But you already go to a different school Mel one that Momma says only takes good girls..which is just a nice way of saying she doesn't give a crap about me..and thinks I'm too dumb to get far in that school...which I am.._

_No your not Sam …_

_According to Momma I am_

_Momma lies _

_Why does she lie?_

_That's just what she does Sam and I'm sick of it _

_She treats you horribly Sam and there's nothing I can do to help so I can't watch I can't study I can't sleep I can't eat ...I need to get out and I have a way I'm smart Sam top of my class my teacher says I have an amazing chance of getting into this school it's out of state..._

I felt my stomach drop even lower I stopped swinging did Mel really say she was leaving me? I felt sick a little dizzy she looked so scared she wasn't strong like me. She couldn't handle our life and she had a way out I shouldn't be sad should I ?

_You should go Mel it sounds awesome you have a chance to do what I never will go for it before Momma turns on you next._

_I hate leaving you by yourself Sam_

_But you will Mel so just do it I'll be fine.._

She embraced me I hugged her back but something inside of me shifted I was alone now where before we had always had each other I now had no one.

We stayed in the park for hours till Mel asked …

_Sam where do we pee?_

I pointed to the tree's she blushed holding her hand over her bladder as she shock her head I sighed she was too prissy for her own good. Grabbing her hand I lead her away from the park to downtown.

Seattle was alive even at 1am in the morning despite the late April date the weather was still nippy as we walked the streets. I only had on a short sleeved shirt so I told jokes and made her laugh to take away the chill which she wasn't use to.

We passed the sections that had the closed shops and got into the section I was heading to it was alive and kicking bright colored lights filled every shop and club .

In every major city there's a section downtown where you can find the LGBT youth it's not always so flashy or transparent as Seattle's is but it's there you just have to know where to look.

For us here it's Capital Hill or as I call it Rainbow Ally. I can't even really tell you what Gay means I mean I'm only 8, I don't understand when people say their gay or transgender or Bi. I just know that whatever it is most grownups feel it's wrong . I've learned however that grownups aren't always right in fact 90% of them are not only wrong but their the kings and queens of B.S.

I like to Call it Rainbow Ally cause it's so colorful every place has a rainbow flag flying proudly in it's window or from the roof or both. Every place has a array of colors in it's signs and sides. Most have open doors with loud music and so many varieties of music you don't know where to go to first.

People littered the streets some holding hands others kissing some just on benches or side walks laughing, tickling, shouting, dancing plenty were drinking but unlike when mom drinks no one was yelling or being mean. Some were just acting silly which amused me.

I lead her past the dinner I often hide out in when mom becomes too much to handle. It's called Alliance Ally and it's run by this women Lisa Rose who's 42 and her daughter Sierra Rose who's 21.

Lisa is the president of PFLAG [ Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays ] Sierra is the president Gladd Teens (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation).

I'm not sure what these two things stand for but I know their important. The dinner was packed as usual Sierra saw me through the window and waved I smiled back as I gave a nod I saw her.

We passed several places a few clubs and bars a few stores a adult shop which I covered Mel's eyes as we passed .

Finally we got to Uni-bow which is a awesome club that lets kids and teens into from age 12-18. I was

Still too young to really be inside but that never stopped me sneaking around back I dragged Mel who

looked unsure. We went up the fire escape which was old and creaked so you had to be very careful it was unsteady to say the least. Mel kept praying we wouldn't die I kind of wished I would.

I made quick work in prying open the locked window and shoved her inside she squealed as she hit the dusty floor boards. Once I was in she clung to me coughing as she looked around it was pitch black dark dusty and made my chest tight but I knew the way like I knew our house.

_Come on Mel walk faster it's chilly in here_

_Sam we shouldn't do this _

_Shh it's fine _

_No it's wrong_

_Why?_

_It's against the law _

_So who cares?_

_The police do silly_

_Who cares about them?_

_Law abiding citizens_

_Bite them come on Mel I'm hungry I have to pee and you said you did to_

Shutting the window I took her hand and lead her through the maze of old picture frames boxes furniture and other stuff. The music was so loud from downstairs it made the floor shake and vibrate.

_Where are we Sam?_

_This totally awesome place hold on …_

We got to the door quickly I opened it looking around to make sure the land lord wasn't around. Once I saw it was clear I pushed open the door.

Light poured through the crack as we stepped out into the hall, Mel gasped.

_Wow this is gorgeous I love the colors and the fabric scheme!_

The hall was beautifully decorated with a huge chandelier hanging from the middle of the hall . Gray and white Granite walls sparkled over a cherry hard wood floor. Which was polished every day so it sparkled.

Mirrors of all shapes and sizes lined the walls. Mel kept staring at them in awe as we hurried down the

hall when we finally got down the hall she stared at the huge fountain at the base of the wall two angels were on their knee's their hands in prayer as water shot down from the hand of the Saint. Nick the patron saint of gifts. The fountain was made of sparkling rainbow colored marble and glass. It was breathtaking.

Mel stared at it forever.

_Your suppose to kneel in front of it close your eyes and make a wish _

_Say it out loud Sam?_

_No cause then it wouldn't come true _

_Does it come true?_

_In time in it's own way_

_Hasn't worked for me yet but that's what everyone here says_

Mel knelled in front of it and said a prayer and made a wish. I thought about what she would wish for we had this strange ability to read each others minds.

I could tell she was wishing for me to be okay and to be safe to find love.

_Don't worry about me Mel I'll be fine_

_I''ll always worry Sam were twins remember it's my job_

Slinging my arm around her shoulders I lead her into the next room. Which was the living room already packed with people. A TV was blaring some baseball game .

_Who's place is this Sam?_

_We can't just crash_

_Hey Sammy Girl_

My smile was wide as I saw 18 year old Braydan McDonald

_Hey baby Girl what's going on?_

I smiled as Cassie Sanders 22 came over she's a sophomore at Anthem college majoring in criminal justice she hopes to become a juvenile justice lawyer. I keep her on my good side cause I think I may need her in a few years time with my record already.

She's really sweet always bakes me amazing cakes and cookies .

_Hey just the taste taster I was looking for!_

I grinned as she handed me a tin of choc/pb cookies and ginger snaps with cinnamon sugar .

_Yummy!_

I dove in before she could even let go of them making her laugh as she ruffled my hair.

_Would you like some Mel? _

She looked scared as she clung to me she has this questioning look on her face as if to say how did they know who she was?

_No I don't like sweets_

_Freak of nature their god's gift to kids_

_They rot your teeth Sam _

_Aw you two are so cute _

_These are excellent Cassie _

_Why thanks Sam I knew you would enjoy them_

_I think she enjoyed them a little too much_

I smiled as the 17 year old that made that joke Lucas Abraham Gabriel .

_I got her lets go Sam _

I let her take my hand leading me into the bathroom where she stripped me and turned on the shower.

_Looks like you had an active day _

_Yea _

_Not very talkative today?_

I shrugged as she lathered soap on my body her hands running over my body. I can't even explain the feelings that started to arise in me but it was strange I swallowed as she rinsed me and put conditioner in my hair.

_What happened to your side?_

Cassie was studying my body I blushed as I felt the effects of Mom's beatings from earlier.

Cassie didn't say much as she washed my hair closing my eyes I felt this strange sensation in the lower

Parts of my body but I didn't quite understand what was happening.

_Wow Sammy your all cleaned up now_

I grinned at Lucas who was in the kitchen with Bray getting chips and dips ready . Mel was helping to chop veggies for a soup Bray was making.

She looked at me as I came over I grinned eying what she was doing.

As soon as I came over she whispered to me.

_Who are these guys where did you meet them?_

_Long story Mel_

_So Mel Sam tells me you excellent in school?_

Bray flashed a smile in her direction I knew what she was thinking . She was going over all the lectures she could give me when we left but I didn't care I pulled up a stool and sat down. Taking the handle from Janelle's hands she squealed laughing as Cassie hit me with the some flour which I jumped out of the way just in time as she got Janelle who squealed.

_It's on Sanders be prepared!_

_To out run you all the time!_

They started chasing each other laughing as they tore through the living room hiding behind furniture and couches.

_Their crazy chicks_

_Aren't all chicks? _

_So true Lucas so true_

Bray and him pounded fists I rolled my eyes .

_Sam I'm so glad your not insane like those two crazy broads_

_What's a broad?_

_A old women_

I laughed as Bray wrapped his arm over my shoulders laughing as Cassie had Janelle trapped on the couch which was occupied by 19 year old Maria Chanters, 24 year old Dora Martinez, 15 year old Bert Sulawesi and 14 year old Terran Jackson who all scrambled to get out of the way. Laughing Maria hit Janelle's butt.

_Watch out Cassie_

_No_ you ._.aha!_

Cassie was taking down by Terran who lifted her up over his head. Cassie squealed as Janelle started laughing so hard she lost her balance and fell over Dora's lap who smacked her butt.

_Bad girl bad girl very bad girl get on your knee's and repent_

_Why I like being a bad girl and I know you like bad girls_

_I bet you do like it I bet your a real good at being a bad girl_

_As much as you like doing bad girls_

_Hey watch it there are Virgin_ _ears here tonight _

Bray laughed as he waved his hands at the girls who went right on talking getting closer and closer to each other.

Bray covered Mel's ears and mine but I still heard Dora reply to Janelle while grabbing her jeans and pulling her close Cassie stood clearing her throat staring daggers at Dora who smiled as she leaned in close.

_Bray what's Virgin mean?_

_Nothing Sweetness nothing that you need to worry yourself over at least not yet_

_If it's nothing then why are you covering our ears?_

_Cause it's for grownups to know not for us_

_Shut-up Mel I am a grownup _

_No your not Sam your 8 just like I am_

_I'm a mature 8 _

_Sam your not mature at all_

_Really cause it takes a mature person to deal with things head on not run away when chiz gets too scary or real..._

_So which of us is Mature again?_

_Sam be nice_

_No why is it nice of her to leave me?_

_Sam.._

_Shut-up Mel I'm sick of being put down by you_

_Just cause you go to that fancy school and make top grades who says I couldn't?_

_Mom never gave me the chance you were the favorite you were the one who had all the advantages_

_Sam Chill out baby I don't know what's going on but don't be mean to your sister she's the only one you'll have .._

_Good cause I don't even want her I would be fine without her.._

_Sam I didn't mean.._

_Shut-up Mel just do it go ahead transfer schools just don't expect me to to cry for you _

_Sam.._

_Leave her alone she needs time to chill baby why don't you go see L'G_

I didn't need another invite I stormed out leaving Mel standing there crying she could cry a river a tears and make a ocean then she could sail across it for all I cared.

The closer I got to the club the louder the music got my feet were already itching to get moving. Pushing my way through the crowd I could see it was totally packed tonight. I was jostled thrown and shoved grabbed and held only to be pushed away again as the crowd moshed to the band on stage . Every night was a different musical style some nights they had DJ's other night live acts weekends they sometimes had Celebrities preform. They also had open mic nights, tonight was a local heavy metal band.

Someone yelled something to me but I ignored them as I shoved ahead a few times I stopped to dance as the beat became to much to deny my feet. Shaking my head to loosen the cramps I swayed my body as I closed my eyes I was sick of being told I was too young everyone thinks young means dumb but sometimes young people know more then the oldest people around.

As I was dancing two kids caught my arms pulled me close before I knew it we were dancing side by side. I was sandwiched between them I was starting to get sweaty my breath coming in gasps as I moved my body against her's. I felt him in back of me as I leaned closer to her feeling her body pressed against mine the things it did to me made me dizzy and breathless. Just as I thought I was going to pass out she grabbed me and lead me the bar which was packed full of sweaty kids just like me well okay a little older . I knew a lot of them from coming here all the time 13 year old Michael smiled at me.

_Sam dear it's about time I saw you been too long_

I smiled as I tried to control my breathing as I looked at the young girl who I had been dancing with she was young too young to be in this club just like me but she was older then me she had a great body though. Thin but she worked out I could tell she was already developing she had a great chest why was

I staring at her chest? I wasn't suppose to look at girls like this was I? Was this normal?

Shaking my head as I heard a voice speaking to me again I cleared these thoughts from my brain.

_Sam earth to Samantha.._

_It's Sam.._

_You know never to call me that name ever.._

_It got your attention didn't it?_

I growled as my eyes flashed annoyance or at least I hope they did but one look from 16 year old L'G made me smile. Sliding me down a mixed drink of cranberry / orange/pineapple juice which I gulped down belching making him laugh as he ruffled my hair.

_Your a class act Sam_

_Thanks_

_So your name's Sam huh you have some great moves_

I eyed her she was cute dressed in tight blue jeans and a tight white tank with a pink/white flannel shirt she had her light auburn hair which had red streaks in it braided back she was soaked in sweat her bright blue eyes sparkled as she took a water bottle and placed it between her red covered lips. Why was I watching this? Why did my stomach feel like butterflies were flapping it's wings and trying to break free?

_This is indeed Sam toughest eight year old in all of Seattle_

_So your eight huh_

_That's what the man said who are you?_

_She's brutal straight to the point to_

_I see I like.._

_Of course you like who wouldn't like me?_

_You be crazy not to cause she can beat your butt so fast you wouldn't even know it was happening till it was over_

_I may like that .._

_You seem like you would..too bad for you I ain't in the mood_

She grinned moving closer to me I suddenly started to feel scared my legs shaking my stomach twisted

I couldn't understand why. Swallowing I tried to slow down my racing heart my lower half had a tingle to it I was starting to get scared I would piss myself from fear I could feel my bladder swimming.

As she pulled me to her I could feel her breath sweet and hot against my check.

_So what are you in the mood for?_

Suddenly I couldn't talk my breathing was fast and hard she grinned seeming to enjoy this as she pulled me to her. I felt her hands moving up my body as she shoved my body against her's.

Before I could object not that I would of ...I don't think...I never had the chance cause she pulled me to her and shoved me on the dance floor where we started to move our bodies to the beat. I closed my eyes letting her lead me my body pressed firmly against hers I felt every bit of her as we moved she wrapped my arms over her shoulders.

I let go and felt the music the words weren't important as we moved dancing for hours and hours till we were both exhausted and fell into a booth. My eyes closed as I laid my head on her lap feeling her stroke my hair which was soaked in sweat.

At some point when the dizziness stopped and my breathing eased the tight feeling below settled I opened my eyes thankful the room wasn't spinning and saw her beautiful face a glow.

The crowd had thinned in the club the music was dying off it must have been late but I didn't care. It was perfect cause now we could talk.

_I don't like it when people don't play fair_

_What are you talking about Sam?_

_That!_

_Huh?_

She looked confused as I grinned good I had her now. She didn't even notice when I laced my fingers through her's.

_I don't like cheaters_

_Cheaters? Hun I'm single I ain't cheating on no one_

_Not that way I mean cheaters at games and chiz_

_What games I don't play games I ain't a queen _

_Don't knock the queens honey! Were fabulous!_

Who couldn't laugh as L'G passed he's so freaking hysterical plopping down by us. I finally got a good look at what he was wearing he was going all out tonight in a long red and black Gothic style dress and

Goth boots his hair was a mix of red and blond styled in a up due he had on bright but tasteful makeup. His nails were 6 inches and bright red.

_Yes you are L'G_

_Damn right honey and don't you forget it!_

_So now don't keep Lil' Sam waiting what's your name sweet thing?_

_She right you cheating if you know her name and she don't know yours_

_She's good at that don't let her fool ya she says she hates games and drama_

_Yet she's the family drama queen always playing games and breaking the rules_

_Like you should talk lil dude who was sneaking out tonight? Who covered for who?_

_Oh please don't act like you weren't about to do the same I just beat ya to it_

Until he spoke I hadn't even noticed there was anybody else with us now I noticed him he was closer to my age but scrawny looking his hair was a brighter blond spiked he had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. His shirt was a bright green power rangers shirt and tight blue jeans he was rolling his eyes at whatever the girl had said in response.

_This little Devil _

She pointed to the boy by her.

_Is my younger brother Austin Stephen Noel _

_The rule breaker here is my sister Kennedy Amanda Noel Johnson_

_Well at east were on fair terms now_

_Not quite you know my age_

_True Sam_

_I'm 12 and Austin here is 10 you look older then 8 Sam_

_I'm a old soul_

_Yea sure you are...Sam well old soul you need to get to bed cause you have school in the morning all of you do_

_What school do you go to?_

_Ridgeway .._

Both answered I brightened..

_No Chiz that's where I go as well_

_Awesome how come I never saw ya?_

_Big school sweetie I saw you though _

_You have?_

_Yes plenty of times I work in the Principle's office during 5th pr everyday _

_That explains it our Sam is a resident of that fine Establishment_

_Well Kennedy why don't you leave your digits and Sam will connect you I think you two need to meet up in a more quieter atmosphere._

_Sounds great .._

_Yea it does L'G thanks _

She left her digits smiling as she did so.

_We should go it's late Aus we need to get in before Mom notices were gone_

_Like she would care_

_Don't talk that way_

_Nice meeting you Sam_

_You two maybe we can walk to school together tomorrow_

_Sounds sweet I'll call you when we get up_

I watched as she walked away Austin turned and saw me watching I don't know why I suddenly blushed or felt embarrassed. I wasn't doing anything wrong was I ?

_Come on Sam time to go up_

I sighed as he helped me up I was suddenly very tired

_Thanks L'G_

_For what baby?_

_For not treating me like I'm stupid just cause I'm young_

_Why would I do that? Young is amazing Young people rule the world_

As we got up the band took the stage again and the crowd went wild

_Well we ain't getting through this crowd so we might as well join in_

I laughed as he took my hand and we jumped up jamming to their song.

_We are young, we have heart  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<br>We are strong, we don't belong  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<em>

_I see the children in the rain like the parade before the pain  
>I see the love, I see the hate, I see this world that we can make<br>I see the life, I see the sky, give it all to see you fly  
>Yes, we wave this flag of hatred but you're the ones who made it<em>

_Watch the beauty of all our lies passing right before my eyes  
>I hear the hate in all your words, all the wars to make us hurt<br>We get so sick of so sick, we never wanted all this  
>Medication for the kids with no reason to live<em>

_So we march to the drums of the dammed as we come  
>Watch it burn in the sun, we are numb<em>

_We are young, we have heart  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<br>We are strong, we don't belong  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<em>

_As we walk among these shadows, in these streets, this fields of battle  
>Take it up, we wear the medal, raise your hands with burning candles<br>Hear us whisper in the dark, in the rain you see the spark_

_Feel the beating of our hearts, fleeting hope as we depart_

_All together, walk alone against all we've ever known  
>All we've ever really wanted was a place to call our home<br>But you take all we are, the innocence of our hearts  
>Made to kneel before the alter as you tear us apart<em>

_So we march to the drums of the dammed as we come  
>Watch it burn in the sun, we are numb<em>

_We are young, we have heart  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<br>We are strong, we don't belong  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<em>

_We will fight or we will fall till the angels save us all  
>We will fight or we will fall till the angels save us all<br>We will fight or we will fall till the angels save us all  
>We will fight or we will fall till the angels save us all<em>

_We are young, we have heart  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<br>We are strong, we don't belong  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<em>

_We are young, we have heart  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<br>We are strong, we don't belong  
>Born in this world as it all falls apart<br>_

**Young By Hollywood Undead**


	18. Chapter 18 Back Home

**Sam's p o v**

**Back Home**

It was amazing that as soon as the music stopped so did my energy my eye lids felt heavy and my legs seemed unable to stand any longer. I could barely lift my arms up for L'G to pick me up which made him laugh.

My head landed on his shoulder as soon as my legs wrapped around his waist as he carried me upstairs.

My eyes opened and closed as I fought off sleep he tried to rub my back and soothe me into sleep. The apartment was near empty now I wondered what time it was? It had to be after 3am since the club was closed now, Cassie and Janelle were passed out on the couch half covered in a blanket it might have been a dream cause it was all a bit cloudy but I swear they were naked and kissing. L'G laughed deeply making a gagging sound as he yelled for them to get a room which they yelled in response they did this one.

I closed my eyes my whole body was limp, I noticed Mel was gone as he laid me down on a spare bed he had in the room he shares with Bray he undressed me slipping spare sweat pants and a t-shirt on me.

6 am came too early when he was shaking me awake I manged to get a moan out making him laugh as he rubbed my back to wake me up.

After a shower and quick change Bray made me sit down and eat Breakfast which really didn't take much encouragement.

Three bowels of cereal and a stack of pancakes later I was ready as I would ever be to go back to that place.

Yawning I dialed Kennedy 's number did last night really happen? Was I dreaming? What would today be like? Did she even remember who I was? How often did she do this?

_Of course she remembers you baby your unforgettable_

I smiled it was amazing how L'G could read my mind. I smiled up at him he looked so different without the hair and makeup and the dress. L'G which is short for Little Gem is 6'2 he weighs about 125 and has the smoothest skin on any male I had ever seen. His skin is a rich dark chocolate which he shaves he has tight abs and a flat stomach but killer biceps at least this is what Bray says all the time. I wouldn't really know seeing as I don't get that close to him normally not like Bray does anyway. L'G's birth name as he calls it is Evan Dibiasi he's from Seattle from what he tells me his dad runs a law firm his mom is a cocktail waitress when he came out as gay last year his parents kicked him out. He told me he knew for about three years but kept it inside till one night he went to a party had a few drinks and kissed a boy his younger brother saw him and told his parents so he finally admitted it and they kicked him out. So he lived on the streets till he met Bray at a youth club for LGBT teens where he found out there was a different school he could attend for kids and they would help him get housing.

With no where else to turn Evan did what over 40% of the nations LGBT youth are forced to do he turned to the streets ,It's on the streets I first met Evan.

I remember that day very well it was a little over a year and a half ago.

Mel and I had just gotten home from kindergarten she was so excited to tell Momma that she had just been told by our teacher Mrs. Keefer that she had earned student of the year and was going to receive a special award the next day so she wanted to wash her favorite dress so she would look super pretty . I was pissed cause I had gotten yelled at for punching Tommy for calling me ugly. Plus I failed some stupid test over my abc's. Mrs. Keefer wasn't a fan of my new rap I had made up.

T-O-M-M-Y

T-is for turd

O-is for odd

M-is for mean

M-cause you Smell

Y-don't you die!

I thought it was amazing that I could come up with it but Mrs. Keefer said I was disrespectful rude and a bad child who needed structure and discipline, she kept asking why I wasn't more like sweet good nature Mel.

So needless to say I wasn't in the mood for Mom praising Mel or Mel's whining over how her dress was dirty and she needed it washed , well mom wasn't going to do it she was passed out from her party the night before, Mel couldn't reach the soap so I took my slingshot and shot it down creating a huge cloud of soapy dust. Mel was trying to go for daughter of the year to cause she took Mom's clothes and washed them as well.

Unfortunately she put the wrong cycle on and added too much soap cause the clothes all shrunk and dyed different colors including Mom's new outfit she wanted to wear that night. She was pissed and started screaming throwing things. Mel was scared hiding behind the washer as mom went on her rampage. Scared for Mel I took the blame she grabbed me by my throat and slammed me against the concrete wall my head hit hard as I saw stars she was screaming that I was worthless and no good that I was stupid and rude and ignorant she was yelling. I had no manners or respect for people's personal space. She was hitting me kicking me spitting at me she chocked me threw me to the ground screaming that I was a screw up and knew nothing. Mel was shaking and crying as mom kept beating me screaming she was going to kill me if she saw me again. She grabbed me and shoved me in the upstairs closet as her friends started to arrive she locked me inside and told Mel not to let me out no matter how much I cried. She told her she would take care of me the next day, I knew what she meant.

I was cold in only shorts and a tank top I had to pee I was hungry and I was in pain. I was scared to I knew I couldn't stay at home, I spent a lot of hours trying to figure out a way out but no matter how hard I banged or pushed there was no way out, finally Mel sneaked out of her room and got me out.

As I held her she was crying and pleading with me not to go but I had to I knew it wasn't safe to stay home any more.

I told her to be strong and I would see her soon then I jumped out of the window skimmed down a tree

Taking off in the rain and cold wind without a jacket, as I walked down Seattle's sidewalks I watched this father and daughter who was about 5 playing in a park she was laughing as he tickled her she was so pretty dressed in a pink dress hair in braided long pigtails she was loved very much I could see it in her face and eyes as she spun in circles and fell back in her daddy's arms trusting he would catch her and he did then he chased her and she laughed they ran inside one of those tall buildings. I watched the buildings as I went past and thought how lucky those kids were to live in such magnificent buildings loved sheltered and protected from the harsh streets .

I wondered how they got so lucky as I sat on the corner catching my breath wondering where I was suppose to go now. The stars gleamed high above mocking me as they danced and shined in their safe world happy and safe the same place they had been for hundreds and thousands of years. My head hurt as I heard a cop chasing me away yelling about us fifthly disgusting street urchins.

My distaste for cops was already there but to act like I wanted to be out on the streets was just too much like any child would choose this awful life?

I was cold scared hungry I was in pain I had to pee, what part sounded fun to them? I walked for hours as the evening changed to night light faded and darkness enclosed me. I had no idea where to go ..that's when I saw him he was scared like me he was standing on a corner with only a jacket and back pack to his name. I could see he had been crying he looked tired and worn out.

He saw me first I wasn't going to talk to him I never trusted anyone out there but he offered me his jacket , he had bruises on his face and arms his shirt was torn and his pants were so dirty they had dried dirt coming off them he smelled bad but I probably didn't smell so great either . He told me his name was Evan and he had been throwing out, we didn't discuss anything about our home lives after that for a while. He took my hand and said he would protect me, we walked the streets and ally's checking for places to make shelters.

We found a clear spot and some used card broad boxes where we built a mini fort we took turns watching as one slept.

Evan became my companion day after day night into night we searched for food and for ways to make money we learned how to hustle and steal quick we learned how to work a crowd I could rap he could drum and dance. We made quite a pair and people looked for us night after night we learned how to be quick on our feet.

As we earned money Evan bought some clothes and I learned what cross dressing meant I was shocked the first time I saw Evan as a girl in a long sliver and red dress with high heals a red wig.

Every day was a gamble if we would make enough money to buy food some days were good a good day we might make 20-30 dollars which split between us would average 12 each. That didn't leave much but it was more then what we started out with. What never seemed to go away was the cold damp feeling the despair of knowing that there was no end to this suffering.

Evan always seemed to have an up beat attitude though always looking at the positive side he always seemed to believe that one day we would find our rainbow. That's what he always said "Hold tight baby

Cause someday our rainbow will shine for us and lead us to the other side"

At some point I have no idea what day or month we met another guy dressed as a girl she called herself Diamond Jasper or D.J everyone seemed to know who she was she called herself the Queen of the Strip and she took to Evan right away she took Evan under her wings and called him Little Gem cause she said Evan was still new but he sparkled like a diamond except there was only room for one true diamond on the strip so she would call Evan a gem which sparkles just as bright as any diamond.

We spent many months working the crowds late at night into early morning diamond who I later found out was named Jacob Anthony taught Evan everything he needed to know on how to be what Diamond called a drag queen. It was kind of fun to watch she showed him how to walk and talk how to dress what to say Evan found his own style along the way.

We had a act down I would charm people with my smile and innocence allure them to the spot we had chosen then Evan would start his dance and song with Diamond working her magic and I would start to sing or rap.

Life on the street was anything but easy though we spent so much time watching our backs so we wouldn't get robbed raped or beaten. I would take the first shift at night so they could sleep well at least that's what they told me they were doing sometimes the sounds I heard didn't seem like sleeping sounds to me, but hey who was I to say anything? They took care of me when my own mother didn't.

Then one of them would stand guard and let me sleep they took turns cuddling me making sure I was warm as I could be sleeping on the pavement or a box. Then the other would change shifts, I was the one who got the most sleep. When I could sometimes it was too cold or too hot sometimes I was too hungry or scared sometimes I felt too sick ..

We manged to get by but it wasn't easy or fun...even though they tried to make it fun playing games with me teaching me my alphabet and numbers helping me to read every sign we saw I had to read and tell them what it meant. They were smart and taught me well. Every night after we were done we scraped a few bucks to eat at Alliance where we met some awesome people.

Diamond got her break when she met this fellow named Cos Grove he owned this club called Uni Bow and he was looking for a new act to preform Monday-Saturdays he hired her on the spot pretty soon she got us in as well. It was strange being in this club it was filled with older men and they were all dancing together smoking there was strange things going on in the back that whenever I needed to use the bathroom Evan would cover my eyes and sing to me extra loud.

Preforming there got us more money then we could hope for but still no home and no place to store the money so we got creative and more protective but more fearful people knew we had money and targeted us.

Our dream of getting a apartment almost came true we had over two thousand saved up, the night was bitter cold in December two weeks shy of Christmas Diamond was working the strip so Evan and I were alone guarding the money when four guys attacked us two grabbed me and started beating me trying to force me down and take my clothes off of me. I was screaming and hitting them as Evan tried to fight the other two he got them off and they ran but one of the two holding me put a gun to my head and forced Evan to hand over the money or he would shoot me I tried to tell him to take it and run but

Even though he was hurt himself he refused to let me get hurt. They took the money beat us and ran.

I felt so guilty he lost his money to save me but he held me and told me not to be sad that someday we

would find our place and our rainbow would shine. His belief saved us less then a month later Cos and his partner moved to Canada to marry legally. He left the club to diamond who turned it into a urban teen scene for LGTB youth he cleaned it up and made it safe. It became insanely popular with the new money he hired L'G as a bartender and a performer. He bought the upstairs and fixed it into a apartment for us.

Sierra became a regular at the club and she always had stories to tell she got Evan into going to these meetings for LGTB teens at the center called Laugh.

The meetings were run by a lady named Rocky Ce-Ce …

Bray's story is similar to Evan's he was born in a small town called Calgary, Alberta which he called Redneck Center he was from a strict catholic family which believed homosexuality was a sin and you would burn in hell. His dad was even part of a group that got a coworker so humiliated for his lifestyle that he left in shame and moved away he got the whole town against him spreading lies about what he did to young boys and how he had Aids. When Bray figured out he was gay and what it meant he kept it hidden for four years afraid of his dad and the town he lived in. when he couldn't take it anymore he told his best friend who urged him to come out he accepted him, supported him. His own family not so much his parents kicked him out so he lived in his friends basement but when word got out at school he was bullied threatened and kicked out when a teacher lied and said he had forced another boy to have sex with him.

Bray ran even though he was innocent he knew no one would believe him he hitch hiked across the boarder and started making his way through state after state by selling himself at truck stops he dressed as a girl and did anything he had to just to get as far away from his hometown as possible.

He got as far as Washington D.C before his luck ran out he was picked up by a truck driver who when he discovered he was a boy beat him and raped him leaving him in a river to die. He crawled out and collapsed where he was found by a jogger. He was taken to a hospital but he was treated badly by the staff so he left against medial advice . While working the streets of D.C he met this boy named Justin he was 15 like Bray they hit it off.

They heard how things were calmer here at Capital so they stole a car and got here.. the night they got here they came to Alliance where they met Sierra who told them about Laugh and the meetings they attended that's where L'G met them and Rocky got them into a shelter.

They were accepted into Sierra's old school Diversity and started learning life skills and how to make it out in the working world. They got jobs and started to get their lives together..their rainbow was starting to shine bright..then Justin got sick real sick he was told he had something called Aids...

They had little money and no insurance so they couldn't afford medication ...the disease was already in advanced stages and without treatment it took a hold of him.. I watched as he got weaker and sicker until one day Justin found his Rainbow..and went over it..

Bray was devastated and depressed he tried to kill himself but everyone stepped in and got him help

Evan was really instrumental in helping him talking to him.

So were these two girls Janelle and Cassie they struck up a friendship which for Bray and L'G became more ...Even after Bray was diagnosed with H.I.V it didn't stop them.

Eventually Evan called things off with diamond who was surprisingly supportive of Evan and he started dating Bray...a few months ago Bray moved in with Evan..they convinced me to go home and try to work things out with my mom...they say that if they could go back home they would but they can't so they had to make a new home.

I'm still not sure what H.I.V or Aids is I just know it's what took Justin away and I miss him.. I know I see sadness in Bray's eyes when he talks about it or thinks of Justin.


	19. Chapter 19 Rainbow

**Sam's P.O.V**

**Rainbow**

" _Try to stay positive baby girl your rainbow will come _

_Yea Someday L'G but someday needs to be today_

Sighing as I grabbed my stuff heading off to a fresh day of new pain aka school. I dialed Kennedy's number. When did my exhaustion turn into nervous energy? When did the butterflies make a home in my stomach. Even I wasn't that hungry to eat them. How did I end up with an amazing girl like Kennedy as a friend? Was she drunk last night? Would she be sober take one look at me and run away? God I hope not I couldn't explain why but I really wanted her to like me.

God she looked amazing even doing something as standing on the corner she made my stomach feel all funny.

_Hey Sam_

When she smiled she sent goose bumps all over my arms and down my spine she smiled and it sent me into shivers.

_So where do you live Sam?_

_Hey Austin..uh I live on Singleton ave where do you live?_

I hated telling people where I lived it was a disgusting neighborhood and most people took one look at me and turned away in disgust when they heard.

_Really cool we live on Northampton Ave .._

_Fro real dang you live one block from me.._

_Yea small world huh?_

_Yea _

We giggled as we got closer to the school.

_So what are your after school plans Sam?_

_Prob just hang out at Bray's and L'G Why what do you have planned?_

_We were thinking of going to Lace N things you know that place?_

_Yea the teen store that sells everything and everything it takes to be a trendy LGBT Teen _

We laughed as Kennedy shoved me.

_Yes that's the place_

_Sweet why don't we hit that first grab a snack at Alliance and head to their place then_

_Sounds like a plan _

_It does awesome Momma Loves her food_

_So how long have you been at the hill?_

_Since forever_

_Really why?_

_Well you know that lady that runs Lace N things?_

_Yea Megan something.._

_Yea Megan Lace well She's our Aunt right Kennedy?_

_Huh?_

I caught Kennedy staring at me and I couldn't stop the blushing.

_Yea sure.._

Austin groaned rolling his eyes which for some reason made me laugh.

_Yuck were here already_

_Double yuck_

_Triple quadruplet yuck _

Austin and I high-fived laughing as we went inside. So you think having friends would some how make my life less sucky at school yea not so much Austin was two years older and Kennedy four so they were in the opposite building.

Still it gave me something to look forward to it was a light that there was a rainbow at the end of a really long dark tunnel.

After school we went to their aunt's store she had us trying on the latest fashions taking pictures blasting music helping costumers it was fun.

Then we ate and went to Bray and L'G's place. It was relaxing they made us laugh as we talked about our days and did our homework.


	20. Chapter 20 Light Returns

**Sam's P.O.V**

**Light Returns**

" _Sam ...Calm ..Down.._

Bright lights filled my eyes it burned my body felt stiff and sore.

_Sam.._

My vision focused as everything became a bit clearer a beep from a machine filled the air in a steady easy rhythm luring me to sleep.

My head felt strange my chest tight as a voice called to me I tried to piece it all together where was I ? why was I here? Who was calling me?

Blackness took over me again...peacefulness..

_Sam..._

_Sam..it's nurse Laura can you hear me?_

I turned my neck it was sore and hard to move I tried to talk but something was in my throat and it made it very sore.

_Sam sweetie_

I was scared why couldn't I talk? My eyes darted all over the place.

_Sam can you focus?_

Someone shined a light inside my eyes ..

_I'm Dr. Williams your just waking up from a deep sleep things may seem fuzzy and confusing that's normal do you know where you are?_

I tried to focus but I couldn't..

_Your in the hospital can you remember anything?_

I was remembering I hated hospitals and I hated doctors but I felt like poop so I didn't answer I was exhausted and sore. My head was pounding so I closed my eyes and let sleep take me away again.

_W..h..e..r..e...W..h..y_

_Sam calm down it's Steph_

My eyes were all blurry my head pounding less then before but still there who was this chick did I

Know her? Why was she acting like I did?

I struggled to focus as it suddenly all came to me in waves I gasped I heard Steph call for help. I felt something in my arm and waves of calmness washed over me but I fought off sleep as I looked up at her. I remembered it all the video my voice the words I said ..what I tried to do..Carly, Freddie , Spencer.

_Sam calm down shh..please calm down.._

I felt Steph's hands on my arms which strangely calmed me ..

_Sam you had a panic attack babe your in the ICU you couldn't breathe we had to sedate you but you had a bad reaction to the sedative ..you almost coded on us so we rushed you down here..to be monitored._

_H..o..w..l..o..n..g?_

_Three days babe you were out for three days but the antibiotics are working now your meds have also started to take effect you should start to feel better soon._

_Rest for now unless you want to talk.._

I shock my head talking took too much effort and caused to much pain.

The next day they took me off the machines I was bored and lonely even with this one on one nurse. I started to get pissed at this chick to man she was all over me she wouldn't let me alone for a minute everything I did she needed to know when I ate she watched every bite and checked my mouth to make sure I wasn't hiding food..was she insane? I was out for three days I was starving...I wanted more food and she refused.

She made me use a bedpan when I needed to go to the bathroom.

I wanted to kill her Steph walked in as I was threatening Laura with the bedpan which made her laugh.

Steph became my hero when she told Laura she was taking me out of ICU and walking me back to her unit.

Every hall was brightly decorated with different colors and painted murals a few by Spencer himself.

_So Sam I can tell you didn't like being in ICU _

_No chiz that lady was jank she wouldn't let me alone for a second _

_Do you know why?_

_Yea cause she's jank_

Steph laughed watching me walk which was making me frustrated I was never the fastest but man I

Was slow and weak now very sore. I felt like a old person. Like my muscles were frozen and trying to defrost chiz it was painful,

_No it's not cause she's jank as you so elegantly put it but cause we want to make sure you don't injure yourself.._

_How would I injure myself with food and a bedpan?_

_There are ways_

_How do you feel about food?_

I looked at her was she crazy? Maybe she should be locked up and maybe I should be free what kind of question was that?

_I feel all warm and fuzzy and goo like _

She laughed patting my back what was I a dog now?

_Have you ever heard of the expression food's a comfort?_

I thought about it cause it sounded like some chiz Carly would say ..Carly thinking of her made my heart skip a beat I wondered how she was..what was she doing now? Heck what time was it even what day?

We came to a rec room of sorts she helped me sit down my back was sore and stiff I cracked my head as I sunk into the couch damn it felt amazing to sit.

What did it mean when one said food's a comfort? What did Carly say?

Now I remembered I was pissed cause Freddie thought I loved Brad so I was chowing down on my Ham sandwich and Freddie said it was disgusting and Carly shushed him telling him it was my safety net. When life was rough and unpredictable ham stayed the same sweet and salty mixture of goodness.

Still what did that have to do with this chick watching me..

I remember a few months ago when some kids were making fun of this girl names Kaffy Bliff who was over weight and Carly sat and talked to her she made her feel beautiful she even broke down and told Carly and I that she ate and threw up in hopes of losing weight. Carly talked her into getting help.

Now it dawned on me they thought because I felt so out of control that maybe I used food as a way to control something that maybe I was..what was that word...Carly used it...bulimic..I shivered...no way..that was gross.

_I don't throw up and I don't starve myself if that's what your thinking I just like to eat_

_It's okay to admit if you do Sam no one here will judge you_

No just try to change me if I did but then if I did I would need to change cause it's not healthy to do that.

_I don't need to starve myself or throw up I have a fast met..what ever that thing is that kills food_

_You mean you have a fast metabolism_ ?

_Yea that's what I said _

_Sam I believe what your saying sweetie but we have to use precautions with every new admission it's not like most kids are exactly in here cause they were honest from the start.._

We both chuckled at that 

_Okay I will give you that one _

_Well Thank you Sam_

_Ah no Chiz your welcome_

I yawned why was I so tired when I had just slept for so long?

_Now Sam can I ask you to do something?_

_Sure can't say I will do it but it's a free country so sure ask_

_Gee thanks _

_Ah your welcome_

_I need you to think back to the say you made that video_

_I know it may be a little fuzzy but please try to think about how you were feeling at the time you made it_

_What was going through your mind?_

I stared at her should I trust her? I mean could I really? Sure she seemed nice but that's what grownups did they were all sweet talking to you at first until they got you to trust them and then they turned on you it was sick . My mind was racing I knew I had messed up big time why did I do that video at Carly's? I knew she would be home soon but I didn't think she would catch me. I twisted my fingers as I debated tell her and risk getting hurt again? Or not say anything ..she was a professional I mean it was her job to care maybe she would be okay to trust she had to follow all these laws and chiz. I knew I could sue her butt if she went and told my personal stuff or used it against me. What could she really do though if I didn't talk?

_Sam I get that this is hard but you have to make a choice do you want to get better and go home and get to see Carly again? And that boy .._

_Freddie.._

_Yea him.._

_If you want to get better I know they want you to they both love you very much_

_Then you have to talk babe _

Puckett's don't talk we don't cry were tough that's what Momma always said, where did that get you though really? I mean Momma was miserable uncle Carmine was in jail along with 99% of my cousins and aunts and uncles the other 1% were dead. Did I want that for myself?

_Sam can I ask you something? _

_Sure..._

_What made you so sad that day that you felt like that was your only option? _

Sighing I looked around the room was hip with funky colored fuzzy rugs over a hard wood floor a few oak tables covered in teen magazines and books. A sweet 32 inch plasma TV was on the wall above her desk which was off. A few pictures were on the wall ..probably kids who had been here before me they were laughing and smiling arms slung over each others shoulders. I wish I could be that happy was it possible?

_They weren't that happy or hopeful when they came in either_

She followed my gaze I cussed myself silently for allowing her to see inside she couldn't know my weakness.

_They all had issues with depression as well some so serious they took years to become the picture version of what you see some are still fighting their demons..._

_What ..How did they get happy?_

_They made a choice Sam_

_What kind of choice?_

_They made a choice to live Sam to help themselves by opening up their hearts trusting and talking.._

_What choice do you want Sam_ ?

I stayed silent looking around as I thought about my life how awful my mom was but how much I loved her despite it. I mean she gave birth to me she didn't abort me so maybe there was a small part of her somewhere that loved me right? I thought of Melanie I never really forgave her for leaving me and that was a huge part of my anger. What did that mean about me though? Was I selfish wanting my sister to stay and be as miserable as me when she had a chance? She was so smart and she could be anything she wanted to be. She was excelling in school captain of the debate team president of the class top of

Her class she had so many friends she was a cheerleader she played four instruments she was a lead vocalist in three choirs there. The teachers all loved her she had a cute boyfriend and she was on the road to study in college.

Where was my life heading? What could I expect to happen in the future? I closed my eyes leaning back breathing heavy as I thought about what she was saying while trying to look like I didn't give a chiz.


	21. Chapter 21 People

**People**

**Sam's p o v**

People no matter who they are they always have something to say about me sure some try to act all sympathetic and say chiz like " oh Sam's just a product of her environment" she can't help how she acts she's just doing what she learned she's a good girl underneath.

Some act just plain rude " Sam's worthless trash just like her trailer trash trucker mother " she'll never amount to anything.

People just don't understand me at all . I mean they truly act like I'm stupid they act like I don't have a brain but the sad part is even I know I'm pretty smart , clever and cunning some would say and I don't think you can be a dumb-ass to be clever and cunning it takes some brains to think out the plots and plans I think of and the brains to put it all into action. I even out smart cops and other grownups so I'm not as stupid as people think.

The problem I have is that I am my own person not the robot people think I am , which means I have my own pov my own brains and my own emotions.

Which I'm not always sure is such a good thing.

People say I'm a product of my environment " their the dumb-ass" People can say I learn from what I've seen and it's a legit excuse if I was really the dumb-ass people make me out to be.

Truth though? I'm not I learned a long time ago that just cause your a so called grownup it don't mean you know chiz . My mom may be a lot of things but a positive role model is not one of them, through her actions I came to the conclusion that at some point we all make our own choices.

No matter what happens in our lives or how many people screw with us we all have a choice to make on how to deal and that choice can effect us for the rest of our lives.

I made a choice to come out as a lesbian did I know at the time what that really meant? No honestly but still it was my choice . I was sick of hiding who I was sick of all the lies, I made a choice to live on the streets cause it was safer then my home life.

I could of let my mom keep taking her chiz out on me but I chose to stand up for myself . Sure it got me daily beatings verbal abuse not to mention the times she threw me out of the house or beat me so bad that I ran on my own.

Through it all though I learned that I am so much stronger then I would of ever thought I could be a lot stronger then people give me credit for.

Being Gay isn't a choice however it's just who I was born as. Coming out now that was my choice. A choice I am happy with cuz I love myself.

It's other people's own insecurities and self hatred that they direct at me that I have a problem with they look at me like I am some sick perverted disease that needs to be cured they don't get it or me I don't need to be cured there's nothing wrong with me.

That's what gets me so angry and depressed why am I so unworthy of love? What makes me so wrong just cuz I love someone of the same gender? That gives people the right to treat me like the sum under the scum not even good enough to touch their shoes.

My life is a disaster I know it's not cause I'm gay though unlike what everyone says it's cause of the choices I made when I was younger.

One of the first choices was when I was 11 Austin Kennedy and I were dancing at Uni-bow late at night dancing all close hands all over each other Kennedy accepted a beer from some kid she didn't know and I wanted to impress her so I drank with her we shared the beer. It didn't take long for me to start drinking all the time it took away the pain made me feel alive and I loved the feeling I got when I was dancing with her hands all over each others bodies as we drowned drink after drink beer lead to shots which lead to vodka, tequila , mike's hard drinks, scotch, we started staying out super late in clubs we weren't old enough to be in drinking and smoking ..my grades slipped even lower I started cussing out teachers sleeping in class when I went at all..not doing my homework getting into fights partying and staying away for weeks at a time. Making my friends worry having unprotected sex..yea not so smart choices.

People don't look deep enough though they just see what's on the surface . I'm a tough girl from the wrong side of town they say I'm a bad kid that I'm worthless I'm selfish and cold- hearted.

I'm not I act happy cuz I have to when your best friend is Miss. Perky do good-er Carly Shay you have to act happy cuz otherwise she'd be all over my chiz trying to analyze me , I can't have that she can't see the real me she couldn't handle it.

She would pity me and I hate pity ..pity is for the weak ..weak is something I am not.

Well maybe the truth is somewhere buried deep inside that I don't want to surface maybe I am the weakest person on this earth and I'm scared to show it. Maybe that's why it was so easy to get addicted to the drugs and booze maybe I'm more like my mom then I would let on. Maybe that scares me so much that I don't want to admit it. So I just keep pretending and if I pretend hard enough long enough maybe I even start to believe.

I let no one see me cry I do it alone but only twice a year ..crying is for the weak.

The thing is it's funny cuz everyone loves to say what they see my future as I'll be in jail by age 18 or I'll get drunk and screw some boy get pregnant and end up on welfare or I'll fall of the wagon and end up as a drunk ..or best one of all I'll end up molesting some poor little girl cause that's what lesbians do we prey on young girls ..I'll end up alone and miserable some closed minded people believe this is how all lesbians end up bitter and alone.

I envy them in a way these people cause at least they have the ability to see a future for me I can't see one..when I think of the future it's as far as what I'm going to have for dinner that night ..any future beyond that I just can't..I hate change .. and that's all we've been doing the last three years it scares me so bad cause Carly she's applied herself in school for years she has so many options so many college choices she can go anywhere so can the nub..they can get any girl or boy they want.

I screwed my grades up so bad even community college is hopeless for me ..I can't bear the thought of

Not having them around next year and I know I'll be alone in every sense of the word I act happy for them and in a way yes I am they deserve to be happy, healthy I want nothing less for them. Still the thought of next year makes me sick and shaky dizzy with worry.

I don't know what to do..laying in bed at night when I think about it I panic..people just don't get how much I hate my life sometimes..I am so sick of being judged and looked at in disgust.

The booze and drugs only work for so long, I can't sleep or eat I pretend I can I feel sick after someone makes me eat. I throw it all up and I feel shaky this facade is so hard to keep up sometimes. I don't want to spend my whole life like this it's too damn depressing so I get drunk and I get high..problem is then I crash hard..the cycle starts again..the depression takes over more and more everyday.

I hate my life..I hate living I know people look at me and get sick ..I hate knowing that in order to be myself. I have to fight for it just to get the same rights as someone straight to be able to love freely it's not a guaranteed right for me. Well that's just not right.

I have to die just to get acceptance ..it's sad ..it's wrong but then again some people say I'm wrong for just being who I am.

Is it any wonder I wanna die?

Austin always sang this line from a song that went like this.." _People who need people are the luckiest people in this world_" Well it's just another lie people who can be strong on their own who can rely on themselves to be loved their the luckiest people in this world cause their never get hurt..

I wish I was one of them cuz I hate my life I hate forgetting what it's like to smile and laugh and mean it. I pick up the pen to write my farewells a million different times..I just want it to end..what makes me stop? This little thing called Love no matter how empty I feel I know Carly loves me and I know this would devastate her ..but maybe I should just do it it would free her save her from loving someone already dead.

They say love is suppose to make you feel whole not like half a person well Carly deserves that so maybe I should just do it...


	22. Chapter 22 Why

**Why**

**Carly's POV**

It must have been so cold ..the tears pour down ..the pain she must of felt buried so deep down inside so gut wrenching she must of felt so alone.

I missed the signs how did I miss the fact that my best friend was so unhappy so sick of being alive that she felt death was the only answer?

Why did I miss the signs? What was I doing that was so important I didn't see that she was faking?

Who told her how did she come to believe that life ..her beautiful life was so empty and meaningless that she felt not being here was so much better?

I want to know so damn bad it burns my soul to a wrinkled up ash..cuz they lied life is beautiful ..Yea there's pain and heartache and other bad chiz but there's also joy and laughter fun..hope..When did my amazing funny sharp witted always thinking of the next prank best friend lose that hope?

How didn't I pick up on the fact that she had stopped fighting? Sam always fought to win she never left in the middle of a fight. It was her beat her rhythm her song she never left in the middle she was a performer and everyone knows the show must go on..so why did she suddenly leave the stage in the middle of her biggest fight? She was the star of the show she owned it baby just like she owned whoever was stupid enough to challenge her.

I don't get it ..the Sam I knew she would never..now I wonder did I really know her at all? Was I so preoccupied with myself that I stopped watching her when she needed me the most cuz if I was watching her as close as I should she wouldn't of tried to off herself..

Again...

_Oh, why? That's what I keep askin'  
>Was there anything I could have said or done?<br>Oh, I had no clue you were masking  
>A troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong<br>And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song _

**[ Why Rascal Flatts ]**


	23. Chapter 23 How Do You Get That Lonely

**How Do you Get That Lonely?**

**Freddie's POV**

Statics ..I Love them I use them as a guide to my life ..Numbers comfort me ..they never change their answers are always the same ..just like time it never ends numbers are the same ..Math is simple when you think of it that way.

Problems could be solved so much easier if people thought like mathematicians..expect people don't they let emotions and logic get in the way.

It's Friday Night I should be out with my beautiful girlfriend cheering our Ridgeway Team to victory on the football field . I should be out at Rick's Party drinking and dirty dancing with my hot girlfriend.

I should be but I'm not what am I doing instead?

Sitting alone in my room staring at my computer screen which was filled with numbers and facts and one burning question filling my brain on repeat..with no answer...

How Do you Get That Lonely? And No One Knows?

I look at the facts and the statics …

The Centers for Disease control report that it is the third leading cause of death, behind accidents and homicide, of people aged 15 to 24. Even more disturbing is the fact that suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for children between the ages of 10 and 14.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimated that as many as 30% of completed youth suicides each year" are performed by gays and lesbians. Unfortunately, many information sources have quoted the 30% as if it is an absolute figure. The Department indicates that it is 30% or fewer. If we assume that the 30% figure is valid and that it is constant across the age range of 15 to 24 years, then approximately 1,488 suicides per year are committed by homosexual youth. If we assume that gays comprise 5% of the total number of youth, then the 1,488 suicides represent an excess of 1240 suicides related to their sexual orientation.

How did we miss this? There had to be signs? How did Sam hurt so bad that she felt having no life was better then the life she had? She felt so battered and beat up and so empty and worthless that death seemed so much sweeter?

It wasn't just Sam though we are losing so many youth to this..Suddenly the numbers weren't so comforting when you put a human life a name a age a face to those numbers when you read their stories hear their family members and friends talk about them.

They are human and they just needed wanted to be loved just like we all do but they felt so lost death seemed better to them.

To us it's just another story another faceless name a number to add to the growing statics.

To their families and their friends they were the sons, daughters, brothers,sisters, friends lovers, classmates,uncles,aunts cousins..they were kids struggling to find hope..hope they never found..they came in all colors shapes ,ethnicity, they are from every group. Their females,males,they are all young , their all dead. They had dreams desires talents passions likes dislikes ..they just never felt loved or wanted enough ..numbers are just numbers till you add the value of a child's life..Kids like..

Billy Lucas 15 years old Billy was a out going young man yet he was a teenager who didn't quite fit in. His classmates said Billy Lucas was bullied for being different.

The 15-year-old never told anyone he was gay but students at Greensburg High School thought he was and so they picked on him.

Seth Wash 13 years old who loved Pokémon, adored french fries above all other food and had an obsession with disco music.

Seth Walsh was an ordinary everyday kid who just wanted to live his life except there were cruel kids around him who won't let him. Why you ask? Walsh was a young gay kid and there were kids that would not stop tormenting him while school officials ignored the problem despite being aware of the bullying.

Dawn Marie Wesley 14

I was shaking as I read story after story the pain these parents felt as they discovered why their kids chose to take their own lives can never be explained until you experience it yourself ..parents who would do anything to save their kids parents like those of Kristina who's website I read over it was made by her mother who detailed her daughters struggles through Kristina's diary..

**Kristina Calco 15 years old 12/26/1989 – 12/4/2005 **

**In middle school, Kristina was a 4.0 honor student who always strived for perfection in everything that she did. She was extremely artistic and her work was chosen not only to be on the cover of the school ****yearbook**** but she was also selected to design the school t-shirts. In an effort to overcome her shyness, she joined the student video announcements staff, the yearbook staff and the newspaper staff. And although she was admittedly not the best at sports, she joined the Swim team, the Volleyball team, the Track team and even joined the Ski Club. She signed up for Forensics (very similar to Debate) and earned a 3rd place trophy in the 2003 State Tournament. She later wrote that no one would ever know how hard that was for her. That was actually one of the proudest moments of her life. Kristina supported her school in every way imaginable and attended numerous sporting events, such as basketball and football. **

**Despite all of her accomplishments however, there were some who would choose to drag Kristina down.**

Our first indication of what had happened was found in Kristina's suicide note, which was written in the form of a poem. She wrote:

"I knew I was always the ugly one. Don't say that's a lie because you don't know what some kids have said and done. It hurts to think about how mean some people could be. Even when I started to look a little better, they still couldn't see."

**Jared Benjamin High****  
>Born Sept. 23, 1985 - Died Sept. 29, 1998 <strong>

**Phoebe Prince 15**

**Phoebe Nora Mary Prince was born in ****Bedford****, ****England****, ****United Kingdom****, on November 24, 1994, and moved to the seaside community of ****Fanore****in ****County Clare****, Ireland, when she was two. Prince attended ****Villiers Secondary School****, a private school in ****County Limerick****, where she reportedly suffered problems.**** She immigrated to the U.S. in the fall of 2009 with her mother and four siblings. Her mother lived in Boston for a few years. The choice of South Hadley, Massachusetts was reportedly because of the presence of extended family, including an aunt, identified in news accounts as Eileen Moore. Her father, a British national, reportedly chose to remain in nearby ****Lisdoonvarna****, rather than emigrate. Prince was attending ****South Hadley High School**** at the time of her death at age 15, on January 14, 2010.**

Bullying incidents and suicide

Having recently moved to the U.S. from Ireland, Prince was taunted and bullied for several months by at least two groups of students at South Hadley High School, reportedly because of disputes with other girls over her brief relationships with a senior high school football player and another male student. It was also said that she was bullied because she had an Irish accent. Her aunt allegedly warned school officials in August 2009, prior to Prince's enrollment at the school, to watch after Prince, as she was "susceptible" to bullying and was bullied in Ireland

On January 14, 2010, after a day of harassment and taunting, followed by a final incident in which a student threw a can at her from a passing car as she walked home from school, Prince committed suicide by hanging herself in the stairwell leading to the second floor of the family apartment. Her body was discovered by her 12-year-old sister. After her death, many crude comments about her were posted on her Facebook memorial page, most of which were parents chose to have Prince interred in Ireland.

**Asher Brown 13**

**Chloe Lacey 19 Chloe Lacey was born Justin Lacey and seemed to her parents to be "all boy" until, at age 16, she announced to her family that she was transgendered. Though it was not evident to those around her, Chloe explained that even in kindergarten she had identified as a girl.**

**Zach Harrison 19 **

**Tyler Clementi 18**

**Aiyisha Hassan a 19-year-old lesbian one-time Howard University student, died on Tuesday in California of an apparent suicide. ****Reports**** coming in says she struggled with her sexuality, though it's **

**Unclear whether we're dealing with another bullycide or other factors. "She was having a lot of trouble with a lot of different things," says a Howard senior who lived in the same building as Hassan, "but mainly her sexual identity and just trying to express that. **

**Why did these kids feel like they had nothing left? Where were their parents friends teachers guidance counselors? How did they miss the signs?**

**How did they get to a place so dark that light never reached them?**

**I can never understand it ..How is Society as a whole failing so miserably our nations kids are being killed by other kids by our own failures as their protectors?**

**Where are we messing up? How can we fix it? Cause we have to fix it we can't keep losing these precious lives ..Who knows what we are missing out on the next Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks, Katty Perry, but will never know cause they died too young.**

**How do these kids go from innocent carefree kids to troubled dark depressed teens? Where and When did the darkness push out the light?**

**I try to remember when I first saw the change in Sam but I can't ..I struggle I have been since Monday night. I just can't find it.**

**I feel so helpless cause somewhere from the time we met when we were 13 to now something changed. She started dying a little more each day and I didn't see it ..or did I and do nothing thinking it's just Sam she's fine.**

**I groan as I feel this headache forming in the back of my eyes getting up heading to the fridge. I glance at the clock my eyes burn from staring at the computer screen the clock blared bright red numbers 9:39. Mom was still at work till 11:30 so I had plenty of time to kill.**

**Grabbing a bottle of Tylenol which I hide because Mom would flip out if she saw afraid I would choke and a water bottle swallow two going back to my room to lay down.**

**I stare at a picture on my nightstand from this years Teen Scene awards in La we won best web-show it was also competition week for Star-power which is a competitive dance competition .. it was a weekend. Sam and Carly preformed an amazing Dance routine which they placed first in and they each had solo's which they placed first in.**

**The photo was onstage after they got their awards Carly was in the middle arms over both of our shoulders she was shining in her short red/gray sparkling dress which stopped below her butt revealing her amazing toned legs her hair was pinned up in a french bun which had a few curls coming down across her sweet face.**

**Her smile is always so bright she lights up a room with her amazing vibe and positive attitude. My head was turned to her our eyes connected she had a half smile which she only ever gives to Sam and I cause it's half cocky half teasing all love. I wanted to kiss her so bad looking at her prefect lips made me so hard .. I groaned feeling the tightness getting stiffer ..looking at the clock I saw it was still only 10 pm ..I couldn't take it any longer quickly I unzipped my jeans and lowered my hand to Jr...**

**Breathing harder I laid back ..relaxed I saw more this time not just my hormones .. I saw a girl lost ..on Carly's left was Sam who was just as close to Carly her head rested slightly against her head. Her eyes looked somewhere else ..Somewhere we couldn't reach . I never noticed before today ..I thought she was eying the dude who took the last fried chicken leg at the pre-party but she wasn't her eyes just looked sad. Like she felt like a third wheel with no where to go, she wasn't standing up straight like their dance teacher always yells at her to do which she normally does whenever were anywhere near her she was standing just behind us I remembered. So why wasn't Sam standing straighter? There were dark bags under her once bright eyes ,her checks looked sullen her skin less peachy yet she still somehow glowed in her sparkly pink and white 50's style skirt and belly top which had a plastic pink belt on I saw her thin she had gotten now I mean they were always in top shape for dance but she looked way too thin. Why didn't we notice this before? **

**She always seemed to eat more then any girl should be able to but had she started to eat less and we didn't see? Was she doing something to get rid of the food?**

**What could we of said? Was it something we said or didn't say that made her feel like this?**

**My shoulders hurt my neck now hurt ..I tried to lift weights for 20 minutes it didn't help . I went back to the computer. All I saw were Sam's final words as she stared at the screen..**

**I needed a distraction so I went to my email which was flooded I deleted the spam stuff weeded through the rest ..answered a few ..then I saw one that seemed unique.**

**The subject line read...**

****No Ordinary Tech Geek****

**Inside it said. **

**" ****_Freddie my name is Hugh we go to the same school but you prob don't know me I'm only 15 ..I get lost in the crowd but I know you Sam and Carly. We have a few of the same classes were even in Av club together..don't rack your brains trying to place me cause you won't no one ever notices me ._**

**_No worries I'm not suicidal I won't go and off myself ..I'm cool with being unnoticeable ..Well okay not _**

**_Really..it kind of sucks ..kay it really sucks ..but I'm okay I have friends I'm a happy gay kid..Yea I'm gay surprise..Ridgeway has another gay kid..Well here's a shocker there are more way more..were just not out..cause of all the chiz Sam has gone through were afraid ..Well were not afraid anymore ..Sam's video made us stop and think ..she hit us at home we need to band together to get our voices out there we have a lot to say and people need to hear us..they need to know their not alone..can you help us?_**

**_Kids are crying out for help..kids are dying from not being heard ..some kids we go to school with some are far away ..some live right here in our own city ..many are iCarly fans like Jamey M ..please read _**

**_His blog this kid needs help fast ..this isn't a joke this is real..Please read.._**

**Clicking on the link I took a deep breath and prepared myself.**

**" _I always say how bullied I am and no one believes me why is that? Am I so unworthy of being loved that even my cries of pain are irreverent not worthy of the time and effort?_**

**_It's effed up really ..society as a whole I mean no matter what I do it's wrong in someone's eyes.. _**

**_If I voice my likes I'm too young and I'm immature to know anything they tell me to grow up that I act too young to know anything. It's not normal for a 14 year old boy to like a girly show...it's too feminist too gay.._**

**_if I make a grownup decision like coming out ..they tell me I'm too young to know what gay means so what the eff do I do when they tell me to stop being in such a rush to grow up?_**

**_Nothing cause it's all I can do I can't drive I'm too young..I can't move..I'm only 14..I can't fight back there's too many ..wait there is one thing I can do ..I can stop ..stop breathing..stop existing .. I can end it all right now like Sam tried to..I can be done with it all..I can be done with Life..In fact I am so consider this a good-bye .or to my bullies..a final Eff you.._**

**_I wish you nothing but pain misery and heartache the same hell you bestowed on me everyday. _**

**_To my friends well if you cared I wouldn't be doing this.._**

**_**Good-Bye**_**

**My heart was beating so fast as I read through the blog I felt sick I scrolled through the page there had to be away to help him contact him..we had to find a way.**

**I saw post after post how he documented the bullying how done he felt ..I saw his drawings he was so talented he had whole cartoons he had made up. I saw blogs on every iCarly web-show he expressed his pov from every one and had his favorite quotes.. tons of pictures from every aspect of our career.**

**He had captions below a lot of them and they sounded so much like stuff we would say. My throat clogged ..we couldn't lose this kid..What can I do? **

**Carly she would know quickly I sprung up I sent her the link and ran over...**

****A/N The names of those kids are real kids who killed themselves because of bullying their stories are as real as their cries for help were..the cries no one heard in time..if you or anyone you know is feeling Suicidal there is help don't give up hope contact someone...your rainbow needs to shine... The Trevor line is for LGTB youth ****

****.org ****

****The Trevor Lifeline******1-866-488-7386******

****(714) NEW-TEEN (714) 639-8336 for any teen in trouble...Don't wait make the call today...****


	24. Chapter 24 The One That Got Away

**The One That Got Away**

**Carly's POV**

" _Carly I need to talk to you.._

_What's up Freddie?_

I can still remember it like it was yesterday instead of nearly a year ago as I lay on my bed trying to find some reason as to why Sam felt so alone my memories bring me back to that week.

It started on a Wednesday Freddie and I had met at our lockers and were heading to The Groovy Smoothie to wait for Sam who was in her fifth detention that week. The second bell had just rung seconds before so the halls were jammed pack as we exchanged books and did the usual after school things.

As soon as I saw his eyes I knew he was serious about what ever this was that he wanted to talk to me about my heart was beating so hard I thought it would pop out of my chest please don't let it be what I thought it was. My mouth felt dry and my throat felt clogged he looked so scared. He was playing with his hands all nervous like Sam would say he was being a total nub.

I thought it was kind of sweet, even a little cute. My stomach was all nervous doing flips and other chiz it shouldn't be doing. I almost felt bad for him he was having such trouble getting whatever it was out of his mouth he was even starting to sweat as we shoved our way through the crowds his hands reached out to steady me as I was shoved.

Finally we reached the sun outside it was slightly windy but still felt great against my bare legs my tiny gym shorts were soaked in sweat.

We stopped at the fountain and sat down a few splashes of water landed on my back cooling me off.

Freddie was looking around I had to smile god guys were so funny trying to act all cool and like their this hot stuff but under it all their just scared little girls...

_Yo Benson! Hit that Mark fast man ya got plenty of guys lining up!_

I felt sick as one of the football players let out a low whistle his eyes wandering up my low cut shorts. I almost started to wish I had changed but I had been so hot and tired and frustrated that Sam had gotten through the whole day with no trouble then went and kicked the soccer ball so hard it flew 100 feet and hit the gym teacher so hard she fell over the bleachers and broke her arm. Sam was so lucky no one but me saw her do it on purpose or she'd be facing criminal charges. Pissed off hot and tired was not a good combo for me wanting to get out of there I just grabbed my bag and stormed out.

Now I rethought it I hated how guys looked at me just because I was hot didn't mean I was easy or that girls were a piece of meat that needed to be devoured.

_Benson man hurry up before she gets away fro real man Zach is after that bone_

_I'm not a piece of meat or a bird _

_Could of fooled me yo cuz Shay you are fly..._

Okay so yes it was a lame joke but it did make me giggle which seemed to make Darrel happy cause he did a little MJ dance backwards. Freddie looked even more nervous so I put my hands on his arm trying to calm him but that made him even worse cause he jumped a million miles and his books fell to the ground as he cussed softly and manged to trip over his now scattered books.

I felt even worse cause I knew if he said what I think he was going to say he would feel ten times worse with my answer.

_Why you so nervous Freddie we've known each other for years_

_We always talk what's different this time?_

I massaged my own neck feeling even more tired from the day gym had whipped me good that day.

_God coach Wilson is insane he made us run for the whole 45 minutes no rest my legs are on fire_

_I'll massage them for you!_

Freddie dropped to his knee's before I could say no and took my left leg in his hands slowly massaging it as much as I wanted to tell him to stop. I didn't want him getting ideas I couldn't cause it felt so amazing.

_Aw Freddie that's sweet_

I shivered feeling his cool hands touch my very warm skin as he grasped my left calf working out the tense muscles. I was still sweating and breathing hard from class. So his massage left me feeling so relaxed. I couldn't help but moan slightly as he worked the tension out of my body his hands worked through my legs and back to my neck.

_Dang boy work those muscles!_

_Yea you go son but wrong muscle you should be working the lower one dawg_

_Don't be rude Zach_

Zachariah Reilly aka Attack Zach Senior Captain of the Football team gave a sly grin. He stood behind Freddie who tensed up Zach had his boys Kyle and Ernie with him. His eyes were checking me over I quickly stood up feeling my body shake there were a lot of rumors about Zach.

Girls were all whispering as they stopped to watch this little show. My checks colored not from flattery but fear and embarrassment, I felt dirty.

Freddie moved closer I buried myself in his arms.

" _You know Shay when you feel like a real man I'm right here baby I can make time for you Julie won't mind.._

The blond girl attached to his right arm glared at me but smiled all sick puppy eyed at him shaking her head.

_I'm good I have a real man right here _

_Nah see Carly Freddie here he ain't nothin' but a little boy tryin to be a man but he ain't done grown yet right Freddkins.._

Zach shoved him hard I yelped Zach and his friends laughed high fiving my fear was rising as I fought of tears ...whispering to Freddie.

_Don't fight please you'll get pounded just walk away_

_Yea man walk away just like a little b...h..I'll show Shay here what a real man does give us 10 minutes in the backseat of my BMW and she''ll be a woman in no time.._

_Ew No.._

_Excuse me?_

_I would rather swallow toad vomit then have sex with you and your thousand of diseases..._

A few kids snickered but most girls oohed and gasped. He looked beat red as his fists became taunt and clenched. He stepped forward towards me as I wished I had kept my mouth shut.

_I think this dog needs to be taught some manners boys..woof woof_

_Back off Reilly_

_What are you going to do Fredictorian _

_Don't tell me your going dyke to Shay cause your too damn hot to be butch _

_Dude the Lesbo's coming better leave Zach if she see's you effing with her girl she'll flip_

_Let her I'll eff the dyke right outta her up tight …_

_Don't be a jerk you can't change Sam she is who she is and there's nothing wrong with it_

_Yea you should know Fredictorian she turned dyke after you tapped her_

The guys laughed and slapped hands at Zach's nasty remark which made me so mad I always hated how the guys talked about Sam but this burned me up so bad I couldn't even stand I was shaking so hard I just felt so angry I wanted to hit him. She wasn't even in ear shot she was still in the building and as scared as I was I was so glad she didn't hear him. She would act tough and pound him silly but I

Know she would feel so ashamed and depressed over it she didn't deserve it. Freddie's hands clenched I knew he still felt so many conflicted emotions over the whole incident , it had only been Four months since him and Sam had sex and since she told him she was gay.

He still liked her in a way I knew it but he wanted to respect her and not hurt her in anyway. As confused as he was he knew she had too much on her plate to handle his own problems.

I hated how the guys teased him though he didn't deserve it any more then she did.

I ran my hands over his arms trying to calm him still amazed at how much he had pumped up over the last year or so …

_No worries Carly the minute you feel me working that tight …mmh mmh you'll know your straight_

_Then maybe she'll come crawling to you Freddie left overs are always good warmed up..._

I let out a scream as Freddie slammed his fist into Zach's jaw line the loud crack could be heard throughout the crowd.

_Freddie stop your going to get hurt!_

_Yea Freddie go back to playing with the wittle girlies the big boys will hurt you_

_Freddie!_

I screamed as he charged Zach who shoved him to the ground but Zach's friends Tommy, Ernie and Kyle grabbed Freddie and held him as they took turns hitting him. I heard Freddie grunt as he was pounded in his stomach I screamed trying to grab him but instead felt myself being lifted up.

My heart was pounding as Zach slipped his hand over my mouth pulling me up I was shaking and felt sick. I wanted to cry.

I couldn't fight him as he threw me in his car undoing his belt the sound still made me sick to my stomach every time I hear Spencer undoing his..

I pounded his face and chest trying to rip his hair as he hit me hard across my face holding me down his grin was so cocky so sure of himself it sent shivers down my spine.

I started to whimper as I cried out No but he shoved his hand up my legs. I could feel him gripping my panties as I closed my eyes scared to death feeling like I was going to vomit.

_Let her go you ape!_

My eyes flew open just as I saw Sam rip the door off his car which he yelled a few profanities out at her her eyes were in a dead cold stare as she grabbed him yanking so hard his head hit the top of the jeep. Before I knew it she had kicked him over 20 times in his lower region and had him crying on the ground grabbing that part as she hit and kicked him non-stop.

Freddie who was pretty rough looking himself hobbled over and had to pull her off. He literally had to hold her up in the air over his shoulder carrying her to my car. I was shaking as I followed when we got to my car. I lost it I watched as Zach and his friends were hauled off in handcuffs his glare following me. Then the damn broke I threw up all over the pavement as the tears poured out.

In a instant Freddie and put Sam down and both were by me holding me pulling my hair back arms around me talking softly to me.

Their talking styles were so different it cracked me up ..Freddie was so sweet..like a parent comforting a child.

_It's okay baby were here relax Carls no one is going to hurt you ever again let it out it's Ok_

Sam's was more direct and quick

_Shh it's Ok ..Jesus kid shut-up you know Momma won't let anyone hurt her baby stop crying already you ruing my shirt it took all day to get this masterpiece_

I picked my head up to see that Sam's new white undershirt was now a canvas of brightly decorated colors the front showed Freddie and Mr. Howard being gobbled up by a three headed monster the back showed Mrs. Briggs coming out of the monster's butt..I groaned..

_Sam they didn't see that did they?_

_Who gives a chiz_

_Sam!_

_Fine it's not my fault those dweebs have no taste_

_Sam!_

_Three weeks detention every night _

I groaned

_That means iCarly will be late three weeks in a row_

_Nah I'll just skip Fridays_

_Sam you can't do that!_

_Can't says who cupcake?_

_I do that's who then you'll get ISS and we both know you'll flip on that poor teacher and get OSS which means …_

_Yea I know my parole officer finds out I violate my probation and I get sent back to Juvie chizblankets_

_So what class did you do that master piece in?_

_Well thanks for asking nubsuckle home Ech whatever chiz that is_

_It's for kids who want to be functional adults that can run a house hold _

_See that boring chiz no one will ever need_

_Yea cuz we all know Sam's future home will be 8x10 bars_

_See these nubby McNub?_

She held up her fists he gulped backing up..

_These are all I need and since your face already saw your fair share unless you wanna look like a crater I suggest you shut your lips dweeb.._

Freddie drove my car to get smoothies. I was still shaking as Sam held me in the back seat my head was pressed against her chest. I felt her heart pounding full speed. Her arms held me strong comforting me. We didn't need words to know how scared we both were I saw it in her eyes as she held me close her eyes never left me as she ran her hands through my hair and over my back, arms, thighs and butt legs..it was like she was making sure no one ever touched my body besides her like she owned me, as much as that thought disgusted me with Zach with Sam it felt right. That scared me even more how could it feel right? Sam was a girl I was a girl...I wasn't..I mean I was straight right..

Inside Freddie went to order and Sam pulled me into the bathroom she shoved me inside a stall I saw her fall against the wall as she pulled me close and held me the tears came at last now it was my turn to hug her. Feeling her body shake and her sobs fall against my shoulders was strange I mean I was the only person Sam ever let see her cry but it was rare she did it which scared me more cause it meant she knew things I didn't . things like the stories I heard weren't rumors that Zach had raped three girls that year alone.

When she was calm again she held my face in her hands..

_Cupcake tell Momma the truth_

_What is it butterscotch Krimmpet? _

_Did Zach I mean..Did..I.._

She looked angry and scared my heart was pounding so hard...

_No..he didn't..you saved me Sam your my hero...Thank you..._

She sighed so hard her legs gave out so I held her up just like we always do to each other. After washing our hands and mouths we checked each other out..

_Cupcake you should see a doctor just to be sure_

_I'm fine Sam really ..just drop it and don't mention this to Spencer_

_Carl's you.._

_Sam promise me pinky swear!_

_Okay I promise but promise me your okay and that you'll talk to me or see a doctor if anything.._

_Promise..._

We went out Sam attacked her smoothie with a vengeance and had it drowned in seconds then sat there looking at the cup with these sad puppy dog eyes..which was so cute I couldn't help but pinch her checks..that of course made her blush insane and Freddie roll his eyes as she searched us for money with her eyes..

_Go get yourself another one you earned it today Sam.._

I handed her some money she jumped up excited pumping her fists ..

_Thanks cupcake!_

She kissed my check I laughed slapping her butt she yelped ..

_Hey no one touches that cute butt but me.._

Sam whirled around to see her girlfriend of two and a half months Elysa Storms 16 who goes to Blair-wood Academy coming up behind us she grabbed Sam and spun her around planting her lips firmly against Sam's juicy plump pink lips. Sam's whole body tensed up as she wrapped her arms around Elysa. My whole body became a inferno as I watched them. I didn't know why but I never liked Elysa and it had nothing to do with the fact that Sam was gay. I just didn't trust this chick as far as I could throw her.

Elysa deepened the kiss so hard Sam almost lost her balance but Elysa held her up by squeezing Sam's butt checks. Pressing her body as close to hers as humanly possible.

_Oh gross get a room _

_Get some balls and a backbone nub I just saved your puny shriveled up.._

_Heeyyy.._

Elysa stopped further insults as she kissed Sam again how they went that long without air was beyond me ...I tried not to gag as I chocked down my smoothie..

At some point we manged to all get upstairs I took Sam's bag and ushered them upstairs to my room Sam gave me a shy smile and her eyes signaled thanks as she grabbed Elysa's shirt ripping it open pulling her up the steps. Freddie grabbed some water bottles from my fridge as we sat down on my

Couch to watch Celebrities underwater.

_You okay Carls?_

I sighed laying my head down on his lap the day seemed to catch up to me as I stayed silent. His fingers played with my hair.

Why was everything so complicated ? Freddie was one of my best friends..he was sweet he was caring smart cute in a Tech geeky best friend next door kind of way. He was loyal and stood up for me he would protect me..I could feel him tense up as he held me.

My heart was beating a bit faster as I thought of him being so close I hadn't felt like that in awhile so what was going on?

I closed my eyes as I remembered a conversation from earlier in the day..

Sam and I had been in the changing room getting ready for gym of course Sam was eating her pre-gym triple ham sandwich. When Michelle, Faye and Wendy came up all looking identical.

_Carly is it true?_

_Is what true Wendy?_

_That you and Arron broke up?_

_Yea.._

I sighed still down over the fact that Aaron Rogers one of the cutest boys in Ridgeway had broken up with me just a little over a week ago. Not only was he cute he was smart and so good at soccer and he had a job he worked hard.

_Yea his parents said I was distracting him from his school work _

_Well he did get all goggle eyed over you and start tripping over things that weren't even there_

_Well who can blame him Carly's hot_

_Aw thanks Sam_

_Girl I would die without a bf how are you holding up?_

_Please remove your hand from my shoulder Michelle and I'm holding up fine I don't need a boy to define me_

Michelle and Faye gasped covering their mouths Wendy rolled her eyes

_She has a bf that's me.._

_No let me explain in straight talk little miss dyke bf means ..boy friend_

_Bet ya don't know what B.F.L means Faye_

_Huh?_

Sam hauled off and punched Faye so hard she fell and landed on top of the bench cracking it. Michelle backed up a bit..

_B.F.L Big. Fat .Lip_

_Oh Sam really right before class_

I sighed pulling out the first add kit to clean up her now blood covered hand and check for broken bones or bruises..

_Nice slug Sam_

_Thanks Wendy_

_Yea sure Michelle go pick Faye up before Sam gets busted_

_Thanks for the cover _

Wendy shrugged turning to me

_So what are you going to do? Carly your class president your in student court Jr. prom is in two weeks.. you need a date and face it every girl needs a guy by then_

_Why is it so important? Sam and I will go like we always do_

_Uh yea that's not really going to fly this year _

_Why …_

_Cause well you know Sam being out and all ..you'll be kicked off of the court and ..well who shows up alone Ew...were all bringing dates..._

Sam's eyes had gone cold her body had tensed I knew she was fuming inside and I felt so bad for her. I wanted to hold her and punch Wendy even though I knew she wasn't being mean she cared for Sam she was just saying what everyone else thought well it didn't hurt any less.

_I know someone who wants to go with you _

_Who Wendy.._

I sighed all this was making me really not want to go I was starting to think Sam's idea about renting a movie and popping some popcorn wasn't half bad.

_Freddie.._

We both chocked as Sam's eyes popped out of her head...I spit out my water staring at Wendy who grinned.

_See I told ya you would want to know_

_Katy heard Megan talking to Amy who heard it from Brenda who Megan told Joan who told Laurie who.._

_Okay we got it_

_Just saying he told Gibby that he still has feelings for you he figured it out when him and Sam you know..._

Sam's checks burned I slipped my hand into hers...

_You better act fast girl cause Lelia told Jamie she wants Freddie and plans to make her move by Jr. Prom.._

_He's sweet Carly he cares for you he's smart give him a chance.._

_Leave her alone Wendy she doesn't like Freddie like that_

Sam threw her arm over my shoulders. I sighed leaning my head on her shoulder exhausted already.

_Just cause your not normal Sam doesn't mean..._

_Enough Faye she already rearranged your dentistry does she need to knock your teeth out to shut you up cause I will let her …_

_Chill Wendy I'm good I like my mouth it's pretty like my face.._

They walked away I leaned my head back against my locker hands over my face..

Sam hugged me laying her head on my shoulder.

_Ignore them Carlotta what's important is that you find someone who loves you for you cause if they can't see how amazing you are then A their blind dumb and deaf and B if he don't value you he ain't worth a grain of salt and momma likes her salt..._

_Don't rush anything cause some silly girls tell you what's socially acceptable cause you'll regret it keep your innocence as long as you can.. _

_Thanks Sam..you okay?_

_Yea I'm good lets go kick some balls..._

Opening my eyes to see I was on my couch in Freddie's lap I jumped up scared till I saw his eyes on me worried and I remembered what had happened and why he was there.

_Carly I'm just going to come out and say it after what happened I'm not afraid by your answer cause it won't be as heart breaking as seeing that animal putting his sick hands on your amazing body.._

_What is it Freddie?_

Please don't say it please don't say it..

_I'm in love with you Carly I never stopped your my everything I think about you all the time your my reason to smile to laugh breathe you inspire me .._

He was sweating as he took my hands getting on his knees..my hands rested on his shoulders he looked so cute I couldn't explain what I was feeling.

_Carly what do you think?_

_I think I need to think about it Freddie._

He swallowed as we got up he took me in his arms holding me. I closed my eyes leaning against his chest.

He tried not to grunt as I let my full weight fall on him feeling the full effects on me ..picking myself off him. I fought off the dizziness to see he was in pain. Making him sit down I forced him to take his shirt off why it left me suddenly off balance even more was beyond me, as I ran the alcohol pad over his chest I couldn't help but feel how strong his abs were and how thick his muscles were...

_Well looks like Tommy Lee won't be marrying Pamela Andersen again_

I turned to see Pam was now floating lifeless in the water blue as the game show host was staring at her chest.

_Baywatch won't be doing any reunions without their star.._

_Freddie stop.._

I laughed he shrugged ..

_I love your smile Carly and your laugh it's intoxicating.._

He touched my face I blushed shrinking back I could smell his black cherry aftershave ..it started to make me uneasy.

_Freddie I'll be back.._

_Okay Arnold_

I ran upstairs breathless shaking my whole body was on fire trying to calm my racing heart and stomach unsure which would win in coming up first I collapsed against my door.

_It's every girls dream Carly what he just did so why are you running away? _

My mind was screaming at me I needed to talk to Sam shaking my head I opened my door..

_uh..o..h..a..o..h..g..o..d_

My legs gave out as I walked into my room to see Elysa had Sam pinned on the bed both naked Elysa was on top her hands holding Sam's legs apart to the sides Sam's hands were gripping my seats as Elysa's mouth was fully working her lower region making Sam grunt and groan softly but long. Her breathing was so fast she couldn't catch her breath her eyes closed...

What the hell should I do? I mean it wasn't like I hadn't ever walked in on my best friend having sex in my bed before. Yet this was awkward no matter what even more so since I really felt disgusted that she would let Elysa touch her.

Why did my heart suddenly feel like it was ripped in two? I covered my mouth and stumbled to the bathroom..placing my head on the toilet seat I emptied my stomach into the bowel.

_Cupcake?_

I felt my hair being pulled back as I coughed and heaved a cool hand rested something wet against my forehead..

_Relax kid I'm here Momma has you..deep breath calm yourself_

_Lean back slowly _

I listened to what she said leaning against her chest as she sat against the wall eyes closed I coughed she rubbed my back. When the room stopped spinning and I felt less like hurling. I opened my eyes to see Sam was in nothing but a thin bed-sheet, my bed-sheet which did nothing to hide her curves ..why did I notice her curves?

_Talk to me Carly what's going on?_

My head was pounding as I looked into her eyes the most perfect crystal clear blue I had ever seen they sparkled like diamonds. God now I knew what they meant when they said the eyes were the key to a person's soul cause I saw straight through to her heart and soul.

_I know something's bothering you kiddo talk to me_

Slowly I tried to explain it to her leaving out all the chiz I was feeling when I saw her and Elysa. I broke into tears in her lap. She rubbed my back soothing me.

_I don't know what to do Sam I like Freddie as a friend but lately I don't know I think I'm feeling more for him but I don't know.._

_I don't want to hurt him_

_You like him maybe really like him but it's not heart pounding frozen in time forever love is it?_

_I don't know I mean I'm only 16 I've never been in love_

_So take your time Carly there's no rush go out with him see what happens if he loves you he will understand you need time to figure this all out if it's meant to be it'll work out if not well then let the bird fly if it's meant to be it will fly back..if not it will be free to find true love somewhere on some horizon..._

_Aw that's pretty Sam where did you find that?_

_My cell last summer it was there form the inmate before..._

I shuddered poking her side she blushed we both giggled.

_Bottom line kid you'll never know if you don't try it's better to try and fail then to never try at all cause then you'll look back in twenty years time and wonder could it of been? What if I had tried a little harder?_

_It's hell to look at the one you love with some else cause you didn't have the guts to try harder_

_To see them laugh at some other person's joke to see them smile that special smile at another fool who wasn't too scared to try to know that you could have been happy to know that their the one that got away cause you just didn't try...Well it's a living breathing fire pit of hell and endless guilt..._

I looked into her eyes and saw more pain then anyone should ever be asked to bare and I knew...


	25. Chapter 25 Beautiful

**Sam's POV**

**Beautiful **

_When I was 16 my mom kicked me out of the house she said she would never have a gay son_

Perplexed bewildered; puzzled: a perplexed state of mind.Yea that pretty much describes my state of mind at the moment as I sat here in the group still unsure how I manged to get here after the talk with Steph the day before she gave me the night to think about it, and I did all night that's all I did I thought about what I had to live for would anyone care?

The Kid who was talking was now 17 he looked like every other typical all American high school boy tall skinny but buffed dark chocolate skin with hazel eyes his head was bald and he wore a baseball hat to his left side.

The pain in his eyes and in his voice broke my heart cause it spoke to me all these kids did it made me start to see how lucky I was as hard as I had it at times I always knew I had people in my corner.

Some of these kids like Danny and Melissa and Kim weren't so lucky the whole time I sat and listened as this girl named Mystic who was 19 told us about how she was outed by her church minster during church she had known since she was 15 that she was bisexual she was like many kids she dated boys but she also started to notice girls she wasn't sure how to deal with it her parents were hard core Christians who believed gays were going to hell and would never support any other life styles other then what the bible said to be a good Christian life style.

_I was 10 when I heard my dad and his friends at a dinner party mocking this co-worker who was gay they mocked the way he talked, walked whatever he said was open field for them to pick apart. I heard my dad said how he was living was a sin and he hoped he caught aids and died..my mom said that we should get a room lock all the homosexuals in a room pour gasoline in it and light a match._

_I started dating a girl who was my age we went to the same school but hung in different crowds we got assigned as partners in bio and we started talking she was Christian like me we studied the bible every night and we talked about our belief's and we bonded over our fears so we kept our relationship a secret..we started having sex after we had been together for six months she was sweet and gentle she had been in a relationship before where I hadn't ..she took her time with me but as soon as we made love I knew I was in love...we planned to leave our home state and go to school together...then one of the church ladies saw us together she said we needed to announce our sins and be saved ..we refused so she told the minster and he denounced us during congregation and said if we didn't repent we were excelled from the church...our parents flipped my mom dropped to her knees screaming for god to forgive her for raising such a monster my dad refused to talk to me. _

_In the end my girlfriend did what she was told to and dumped me I was kicked out of my house after I refused to admit that who I was ..wasn't some kind of mutation I was proud of who I was ..who I am so_

_I left and ran away I lived on the streets for two years till I was lucky enough to hear about this place.._

_I'm still not sure where my life is going but I know I'm lucky to be here .._

_How did you find the strength to make that decision? When my dad found out I was gay he lost it ..I _

_Just don't know how I can go on I'm only 15 it seems pointless .._

The pain in Toronto's face spoke volumes to me I wanted to reach out to him and hug him he seemed like such a sweet kid not the type I usually hung with but he seemed like the type I could get to know and be friends with ..kids like Toronto inspired me.

_What kind of things do you like to do man?_

_Hold onto that_

_I'm not good at anything really I was just trying to figure out what I was good at_

_What activates did you do?_

_Soccer mainly but I was never a star I do like planning things I was always the one that everyone went to when they needed help planning parties and surprising people.._

_Did you ever think that maybe you could do something with that?_

_No I never thought about it I mean I was just starting high school and I was just trying to survive ya know_

_What did your parents say when you came out?_

I watched his face his emotions ran across them like a lighting storm across glass it was clear as day how he was torn up.

_My Mom was cleaning my room which was as my sister said was a pigs dream and she found my playgirl there and she went crazy demanding to want to know why I had those fifthly mags in my room..and I couldn't lie I mean she's my mom and I'm horrible at lying. I stutter and sweat..it's not pretty..she started crying and saying I was going to hell and that I was a bad kid and that I needed to be fixed ...but my dad he..well he wouldn't look at me he just went to my room grabbed my book-bag and threw my school stuff away and shoved some clothes into it threw it down the steps turned away and slammed his bed room door..._

_My sister she was only 8 and she didn't understand she started crying and begging me not to leave I tried to hug her and reassure her I would see her again but my mom grabbed her screaming at me not to touch her like what I had was some kind of contiguous disease …_

_I left it was the scariest chiz ever I had never been homeless.._

_Where did you go Toronto? _

He looked up at Steph who was running the group...he didn't want to answer...like we all didn't know what he was forced to do..there's not many options for street kids, Not any pretty ones for sure.

_Slept where ever I could whenever I could hitch hiked started having sex to make money I got caught up in a sex __trafficking ring ...I was there 9 months before the police raided this club I was kept at they _

_Brought me here..._

_How did you get through ?_

He looked at Mystic and shrugged …

_I just did there was no trick it was just I had no choice they watched you like a hawk I couldn't run and as much as I wanted to die I couldn't get a hold of anything to kill myself with.._

_Would you do it if you had a chance?_

_Without a doubt..._

_How did you get through Mystic?_

_Easy music _

Mystic said without even having to think about it...

After the group broke up I went to the window sill and sat on top of the heater looking out the weather looked gorgeous and I wish with everything I had I could be out there being in here was like prison to me and I hated it even though I kind of knew I needed it it didn't make me hate it any less.

Kids were milling around but I wasn't feeling very sociable sighing as I leaned my head back against the wall I wondered how long it would be till I saw Carly again I missed her so damn bad. I just wanted to be held again and know I was loved.

_So Sam how was your first session you were quiet which is fine not everyone talks right away it's a huge step for you just to be here you care to share anything with me?_

For awhile I stayed quiet my head was starting to hurt what they passed as food around here was sickening and I needed real meat.

_I feel so out of place_

_Why would you say that Sam?_

_Cause all these kids they have real issues_

_You think your issues are any less real?_

_Compared to them yea I mean I hated being teased and bullied but at least I always had Spencer and Carly and heck even the nub..._

_What about your Mom?_

_What about her? She wasn't there Carly was more of a mom to me then Pam was_

_When can I see Carly? _

_Shortly your doing good Sam_

_Great do I get a treat ?_

She laughed as she helped me down. I wandered around for a bit before heading to my room all this chiz was exhausting.

After the next session the next day Steph pulled me aside ..

_We were talking a lot about mentors in today's group Sam and one of the things we do here Sam is we participate in something called the It gets Better Project..ever hear of it?_

_Yea here and there it's for LGTB youth to encourage them not to off themselves_

_Correct well here at laugh we do a little side project inspired by them we pair our kids with mentors from this area who volunteer their time to help our kids they meet every Wednesday and after they get out they can decided when and if to meet again.._

_How do you pick these people?_

_Well we try to base each match on similar likes and hobbies_

_So do I get one of these mentor thingys?_

_Yes you do sweetie_

She laughed ruffling my hair which was a mess. I glared as I shifted a yawn.

She called to someone as I struggled to keep my eyes open which the meds seemed intent on keeping closed.

_Hey you must be Sam.._

I looked up to see a very tall and thin women who was straight off the dang runway coming in she had this unruly blondish/ brown hair which was a total dye job she was wearing the shortest mini halter top which didn't cover any of her stomach her short / tight jean shorts were held up by red suspenders she had long nails each painted a different funky color. She looked so strangely familiar..but my brain was half dead. I stifled another yawn as Steph motioned for me to come closer my whole body felt weak. What the heck were these meds doing to me?

This lady had killer red boots on that Carls would kill for. The outfit was strange and on anyone else it would look hideous but she managed to pull it off and make it look amazing I could see Carly rocking it to. I liked that image a lot..

_Sam take your hands out of your pockets sweetie she won't bite_

_No as tasty as you look babe you a little too fresh for me _

I stared at her was she real? I suddenly felt dirty and yet it felt kind of okay like man this chick who was this hot thought I was cute? I mean she could probably have any girl she wanted and she thought I was cute?

_Sam this is Brittany Jacobs _

Brittany Jacobs it sounded like a name I knew but from where? She wasn't from around here when I was little she had this awesome British accent so where did I know her from.

Steph motioned for us to sit and she went to a table further down I shuffled my feet a bit nervous I mean what was I suppose to say?

I followed her lead and sat down across from her she seemed a bit unsure as well which helped ease me a bit.

_So Steph tells me your 17 is that correct?_

_Yea..she didn't tell me anything bout you though _

I flicked my hair back as I fooled with my hands..

_Fair enough Well you know my name is Brittany Jacobs or BJ, I'm from London .._

_I feel like I know you from somewhere I'm sorry I know that was rude to blurt it out but I always say what I feel Carly says I have a big mouth.._

_Carly sounds like she means a lot to you just by the way you say her name_

_How can you tell? _

_Your pretty tough Sam I can tell you say every word real ferocious but when you get to her name you get all soft spoken .._

_I do ?_

_Yea it's okay though _

She laughed grabbing my hand I tensed a bit as shock ways went through my body. I felt myself blush..

_It shows she means something to you something you would do anything to protect.._

_I would.._

_So that's a start tell me a little about Carly how did you meet?_

_Kind of a funny story...but a long one_

_I got time Girlfriend Entertain me _

_Kay.._

I sighed as I thought back to all those years ago...

_Well it was back in 2003 I was like 8 and I was hanging out with my friends L'G and his crew down at capital my mom was drunk all summer and she had this creeper of a boyfriend who had tried to do things to me so I had left back in June and I was living on the streets and crashing sometimes at L'G's crib when he was home he spent a lot of time traveling in summer it was a great time to earn money doing street shows all over Washington ..when I could sometimes my friends Kennedy and Austin let me crash in their tree house or his room but ya know their parents wouldn't let me crash all the time so I slept most nights on the streets with no shower or food ..the night before school we were down at Capital hanging with L'G, Bray and Janelle, Cassie and Lucas the streets were packed and it was so hot out so Kennedy and I had taken a hose and started spraying each other it was just for fun and refreshment but some people thought it was some kind of act or something so they started clapping and watching so we just kind of did a little dance ..people really got into it Lucas put on some music and him and L'G got into it with us...we did this for like 3 hours and raised like $120 which was real sweet and chiz so we went to celebrate at Alliance and as we were walking Lucas was holding hands with this guy he had met a few weeks ago. I think his name was like Brian he seemed cool, Bray and L'G were all over each other and Kennedy she was giving me a piggy back ride cuz I was beat well some jerks came out and started calling us some bad names and yelling at us that we were sick and needed to be punished and set straight...Bray and L'G were telling them to get lost and trying to calm the whole thing down but these idiots started to try to grab Kennedy, Austin and I saying that they were going to save us form becoming corrupted by these queers..Lucas he tried to stop them and..._

The memory was so powerful I felt as if it was happening all over again I felt myself get choked up as I fought off some of the tears and anger..Brittany wrapped her hands around my hands which were clenched so tight they were white..

_Take a deep breath Sam you don't need to tell the rest if it's too much.._

_No I have to I never told anyone except Carly...it's just so hard.._

_Take your time ...if it's hard it's cause it means something to you and that makes it important..nothing worth anything is ever achieved in vain.. _

_That makes sense..except this didn't I was so young I mean I had grown up with violence all around but this was so senseless.._

_These guys they were animals when Lucas tried to grab us this man he..he brought out a baseball bat and smashed Lucas across the head he just kept hitting him yelling " Die F...g Homo die you F...g perv ..Bray and L'G they tried to stop them but they went after them we were screaming and trying to get help but it was complete madness ...Kennedy she ran to her aunt's shop and called the police Austin and I we tried to help and then they tried to beat us they said we were going to be diseased like them...there was so much blood Lucas was hurt so bad...we tried to stop the bleeding ..but between Lucas, L'G and Bray we ..we just ...how.._

It was the first time I had broken down to anyone about this besides Carly who always ended up crying with me. Brittany listened as I talked she came over and wrapped her arms around me. I tried to stop the tears but as the images of that night over took my brain the blood Austin's face as we saw the life drained from Lucas's face ..the crowd whispering ..the sirens the police acting like this was out fault like we earned it from this lifestyle...the anger in the community ...the long endless night in the police station..hearing the news from Austin and Kennedy's aunt that Lucas had died...it all overpowered me as I broke down. Brittany didn't say a word she just held me and rocked me...

When the tears had finally come to a end I felt weak and dizzy but strangely relieved ..

_My god you were so young to see such a horrible act what did you do?_

_What could I do? I had school I was already on the polices radar from skipping school so much the year before one more time and they were going to lock me up and they saw me that night they knew who I was..they escorted me to school so much fun right..being dropped off by a police cruiser... I never had a chance to shower or eat I was dead tired and I just wanted to sleep ...I got the meanest teacher in the school for the second year in a row..by lunch I was freaking starving and I had no money..so I stole this new girl's sandwich and figured she would do what every other kid did run away and cry by the time a teacher came it would be in my stomach but she didn't she fought back and knocked me to the ground I was so tired I stayed there...but she pulled me up and made me sit by her even though I smelled so awful and treated her horrible she smiled at me asked me my name and gave me half her tuna sandwich ..I had never had someone be kind to me without having a grownup make them..she even opened her bag and gave me her apple and fat-cakes. I didn't know how to act around her she seemed so sweet and she was really pretty and I felt out of place but she made me feel so at ease as soon as I said I felt that way she laughed and told me to just be myself she thought I was funny and wanted me to be real...she invited me back to her place and her brother .Spencer he's so cool he was working on this giant sculptures one of a pig made out of ham I ate the whole thing and he never got mad he just made me some vegetables and told me I had to eat them to..yuck ..then he made me shower and do my homework which Carly had to help me with...she never had to ask ya know she just kind of took over this motherly role with me she asked me to sleep over that night..._

_Our relationship just bloomed from there..we were always together..._

_So Carly was the angel in your darkest hour?_

_Yea well I never thought of it like that but yea it's a good comparison.._

_What Does Carly think of what you did?_

I looked down..

_She hates it but she kind of gets it I know I hurt her bad this time and I hope she doesn't hate me.._

_What did Carly say when she found out?_

_She's the one who found me she stopped me she told me I was beautiful the way I was made and that she needed me..._

_Do you believe her?_

I shrugged as she pulled out something ..

_I meet with Carly yesterday..she asked me to give this to you she's really worried about you and she loves you a whole lot.._

_You meet with her? Yes..ter..day_

_Yes why _

_Is she okay? _

_She's fine Sam just worried about you we talked for a long time and I got her to write down what she was feeling in the form of a song we worked on it for awhile.._

_You can read it now or.._

_Can I take it and read it in private? _

_Absolutely babe …_

_Thanks ..I mean it for everything.._

_Your welcome Sam I'm going to give you my number and ask you to call me whenever you want to talk _

_I will see you on Wednesday right? _

_Yes for sure .._

_Promise me you will try to talk to Steph and do what you can to get better.._

_I will I want to go home and see Carly and even the nub..._

_That's Freddie right? _

_Yea did you see him?_

_I did he's unique..but he cares for you as well Sam a lot of people do..._

Steph walked me back to the room and stayed with me while I took the Medication which started to work quickly as I laid my head down, I wasted no time in opening the letter two pages fell out the first was the song...My eyes wandered over the lyrics and started to water it was Beautiful...

**Beautiful**

_Sing me a Song like you use to_

_Write me a letter with your words_

_If You stumble and fall Don't worry_

_Cause I'll be the one who picks you up form the ground_

_Sometimes your dreams aren't what they seem_

_And Reality makes it hard to breathe_

_I guess you never know what you have till it's gone_

_Til it's gone_

_I never wanna say good-bye_

_Wanna spend my days with you by my side_

_Gonna hold you close till the day I die_

_Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me_

_I never wanna make you cry _

_Try everyday to make you satisfied_

_Gonna hold you close till the day I die_

_Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me_

_Whisper your thoughts in my ear_

_And tell me the things I wanna hear_

_If you stumble your words it's okay_

_Cause being with you is all I want today_

_Everyday_

_Sometimes your dreams aren't what they seem_

_And Reality makes it hard to breathe_

_I guess you never know what you have till it's gone_

_Til it's gone_

_I never wanna say good-bye_

_Wanna spend my days with you by my side_

_Wanna spend my days with you by my side_

_Gonna hold you close till the day I die_

_Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me_

_Try everyday to make you satisfied_

_Gonna hold you close till the day I die_

_Cause your beautiful' so beautiful to me_

_If you chose to walk away_

_Just know I tried to make you stay _

_Don't leave me here to pick up the pieces of yesterday_

_I never wanna say Good-Bye_

_Wanna spend my days being by your side_

_Wanna hold you close till the day I die_

_Cause your beautiful to me So beautiful to me_

_I never wanna make you cry_

_Try everyday to make you satisfied_

_Gonna hold you close till the day I die_

_Cause your beautiful so beautiful to me_

_I never wanna say good-bye_

_Wanna hold you close by my side_

_Cause your beautiful so beautiful to me_

_I never wanna make you cry_

_Try everyday to make you satisfied_

_Cause your beautiful so beautiful to me_

**Lyrics From Beautiful by L2.**_._


	26. Chapter 26 Proud

**Proud**

**Carly's POV**

_It Flies yay! Lookie lookie! It flies!_

I stood in the middle of the living room in shock as Gibby and Spencer were standing on top of the coffee table or what use to pass for the coffee table pointing at some creation that they had come up with it was suppose to be a plane that brought them refreshments from the fridge so they never had to leave the couch. However it was one big ugly mess...it was limp and loud ..

_You do know this won't end well don't you?_

_Oh yee of little faith it works just..._

_Ah!_

The loud sputtering now turned into a full range groan as it's engine failed and crashed sending down waves of soda and dip onto Spencer's head as Gibby ducked out of the way.

_Woah that was close_

_Hey Spence uh you got a little dip on your.._

_You think!_

Spencer groaned as he huffed towards his room I sighed shaking my head as I closed the door..Gibby stood there shrugging licking dip off the couch.

_I'm not cleaning this up!_

Just so Spencer heard me I marched to his room and banged on his door

_Go away!_

He replied in full pout mode rolling my eyes I just grabbed my bag and headed upstairs with Gibby following.

This was the prefect ending to a perfect day...sighing all I wanted was too crash on my bed and go to sleep I would prefer to never wake up.

_Spencer's not coming out Gibby do you want something?_

I slipped out of my school clothes changing as he flopped down on my ice cream couch watching me change sick pervert he shrugged. I cracked my neck as I grabbed my books and laid on my bed I knew I needed to really focus on my studies they had really dropped in the last week and a half. Well as much as they can drop since school just started .

Gibby remained silent as he played fishing in my table / pond...if that's what he wanted to do fine I

Wasn't in the mood to argue and he wasn't hurting anything. My eyes scanned our history assignment but the words blurred together.

I felt his eyes on me which was unnerving to say the least.

_What ?_

_Nothing.._

_So why are you staring at me?_

He struggled with what to say I could see it he wanted to ask me something so bad but it was like the words that were in his brain couldn't get off his tongue.

_Just say it Gibby honestly I can't take any more games.._

_Carly I was just...I was concerned I mean I was there today I saw what they did to you ...I didn't tell Freddie or Spencer but I'm worried that was a mistake ...are you okay..._

My face flushed as he fooled with his fishing pole getting tangled up in the string he cussed which made me smile.

_What they did it was deliberate and cruel but no one stood up for you …_

_Not true Gibby_

_I don't count I mean no one even cared about what I had to say_

_You do count Gibby in my heart I remember what you did for me today so thanks_

He shrugged looking at me searching me for any signs I sighed he had no idea how much today had shaken me no idea at all.

_You need to talk at all?_

_Carly?_

_I heard you Gibby but no I'm okay I would rather just forget_

_Can you? Cause I know I sure can't ...their words still ring inside my head the venom in their voices I mean they.._

_I get it I remember okay I was there to I ..just I'm sorry I don't want to reminisce..please let it go.._

_Okay sorry I didn't mean to piss you off_

_No Gibby I'm sorry I shouldn't of yelled you were great today really thanks I'm just stressed and tired …_

_It doesn't give me any rights to take it out on you sorry _

_It's okay Carly..._

_You look tired …_

_I am I think I'll take a nap if you don't mind_

_No go ahead your beds perfect for them I often take them there.._

Inside I moaned oh..why did he have to tell me that? Really he could of just kept that private it's one secret I wouldn't of minded not knowing.

Laying down I fought off the urge to cry as I closed my eyes I felt Gibby come up and rub my back. I tried not to replay the events of today in my head.

The night before I had tossed and turned in bed feeling sick to my stomach worried about Sam and hearing the voices in my head..they screamed at me horrible names...

"_Carly no daughter of mine will ever dishonor me by being that way_

_Your a disgrace Carly I will never call you my baby girl ever again _

_How can you even call yourself a person your not human your a disease_

_Lesbo ..freak...pig..dyke..._

I woke up screaming four times breathing heavy and coughing sick to my stomach sweating and having to run to the bathroom to throw up. Would my dad really think that? Would he disown me ? I was always daddy's little girl I couldn't handle not having that love and support.

What would my mom think?

All these thoughts weighed heavily on my mind as I dragged myself to Freddie's door that morning he knew something was wrong as soon as I came in Mrs. Benson started yelling about manners and knocking none of which I cared for at that moment when I barged into his room his smile melted me as he took me in his arms holding me.

_No sleep again?_

_Yea I can't stop these thoughts_

_Sam's strong Carly she'll be okay baby_

_Carly try to relax you need to focus you have three tests today and you already failed two this week_

_I can't Freddie I just can't..._

_Oh Carly..._

_I have to go …_

_Carly where are you going?_

_School starts in a hour_

_I'll meet you there...I'm sorry_

_Carly wait..._

I barely saw where I was going as I drove through the streets the tears were pouring down as I narrowly missed getting side swiped by a semi. Shaking and sick I pulled up to the apartment complex where she lived , my breathing was ragged as I sat in the car. Dizzy and unable to walk I pulled out my phone and called her.

A memory seeped through my fog as I waited it was from when I was 6 , Spencer always told me I had an amazing memory. I tried to block this one out my eyes burned from unshed tears my throat stung.

I remembered being with my friends Taylor, Haley, Cat and Nina we were sitting in the patio in my sun room it was early February we were planning Cat's birthday she was excited to be turning 9 which was a big age for us then. Their moms were talking to mine in the kitchen about my next door neighbor Erica she had babysat for me since I was born she was one of my closet friends even though she was 22 and going to college she never treated me like a kid she treated me like a equal.

My friends all loved her she would buy us treats and treat us like we mattered and weren't just brainless whinny kids. She had come home from college with her girlfriend at that point I didn't know girlfriend meant "girlfriend".

The whole community was buzzing about it about how she had disgraced her family by being gay. I didn't know what gay meant but I got that it was a bad thing to be.

Taylor's mom said that she thought she out to be burned at the stake and thrown into the ground ...I remember my friends who were all dressed in their fancy clothes and hats saying that they were grossed out knowing Erica was one of them after she had changed them and bathed them as babies I remember them saying they wanted to be disinfected and all I felt was confused how did they know so much more about this and I didn't what lesson did I miss? I was too embarrassed to ask so I waited and listened as they talked about sin , love, distrust, fear they acted like whatever this gay thing was had somehow changed Erica from the sweet funny and awesome girl into some kind of monster. My mom's words ring out..

_I'm sure Erica's still a great kid but she's confused we should give her time to work through this phrase_

_Pray for her maybe god will spare her and take this sickness away I'm telling Carly to pray for her to _

_God never ignores a child.._

_She'll be back Erica's not a bad girl she would never disrespect her parents by being something like that.._

What was that? I made a mental note to ask Mom later when Haley asked us to go to the park I agreed

just to get out. I stayed away from them as they chatted all I could think about was Erica did she know how people were talking about her? People she was taught to trust? Why did these ladies who had all loved her like their own suddenly treat her with such venom? I was scared I hated monsters they were bad ugly things that hide under my bed that my daddy always chased away but dad was away so who would protect me now? Would she leap up when I was asleep and steal me away? Would I ever see my mom again? My dad? My friends what was this " gay " they were talking about how did I watch out for it protect myself?

What did it look like feel like? Did it have a taste? I spent months of sleepless nights worried that She would take me away I cried myself to sleep, I missed Erica but I didn't want to lose my family either. I did what my mom said I prayed every night that god would take this away and bring back my sweet Erica. Mom wouldn't let me see Erica she had forbidden me any contact.

This worry took over my life I couldn't eat cause every day I heard my friends whispering about how their parents had talked about Erica again the night before and how they had formed a alliance with other parents to keep her away. They talked about how she would take their kids away and disease them. I envisioned her as this three headed fire breathing dragon who wanted to hurt me.

No grownup would ever give me a answer as to what Gay meant..I just knew it was bad at six years old I didn't know what Gay or Homosexual meant I didn't have that kind of knowledge ..then one day while I was at the park on the swings someone sneaked up behind me and tickled me when I spun around I saw Erica there with another girl she said her name was Ellen I was so happy to see Erica but I was scared cause she wasn't this monster my mind was lead to believe her to be I thought I was going crazy which according to one of mom's friends was a word she used to talk about gay people so was I this gay thing? When I started crying she sat me down and asked me what was wrong. I was scared to tell her I didn't want to hurt her feelings but she told me she wanted to hear what was said. So I spilled everything she listened without speaking and then explained to me that some people were afraid of others who were different.

She said that because she wasn't afraid to stay true to herself that others felt the right to make her life seem unimportant and unworthy. That they felt she shouldn't have the same rights as them all because she loves someone of the same gender. It was a eye opener to me I was scared to see that my mom was like that. Yet it didn't stop me from wanting and needing my mom's love and approval she was after all my best friend and the one person I depended on she made me the best lunches she woke me up with smiles and tickles she helped me pick out the cutest dresses and do my hair , mom was so beautiful everyone says I look so much like her with my wavy almost black hair my dark hazel eyes olive skin she had the most amazing skin so soft and buttery she smelled amazing. I use to love to cuddle up in her arms and stay there. Mom was also super talented in music, dance she loved poetry and she was one of the sweetest people ever. She encouraged me to follow my dreams and always told me I could do anything she stressed how important school was. We spent all hours together she taught me how to dance how to sing how to draw she taught me how to read and garden we exercised together cooked

Together we did everything together. She always listened to me and taught me not to judge she made sure I knew that even though we had money and a big house that money wasn't everything it didn't

Define us and that there were people who didn't have as much and we should always give back. Every Sunday after church we went to a safe haven for abused women and kids and we spent hours helping down there it opened my eyes up to see how cruel life could be.

All this left me very confused how could the same woman who helped me with homework taught me about tolerance then turn around and say such hurtful and cruel untrue things about someone who had been in my life since I could remember who took care of me who she had trusted to watch me when she was away.

When I was 8 my mom died of Breast cancer and my whole world shattered I was not prepared to face life without my mother no one taught me this new code that I was now thrusted into no parents around to help me make major choices my questions and fears left unanaswered.

I moved in with Spencer into his apartment hours away from where I grew up ...I started a new school and I went from popular to the new girl who dressed funny and talked funny cause I had a accent. I was miserable. I missed Erica and my mom and I felt awful cause I never told my mom I still saw Erica everyday for two years after she had banned me from seeing her. I started to feel that my lie caused her death. I hated my new school then I met Sam. I knew from the moment I met her she was special I don't know if I can say I believe in love at first sight even though I am a romantic or as Sam says mushy. I just know she didn't treat me differently she tried to steal my lunch and when I fought back she was shocked I still remember her words to this day " _Your alright kid" _it wasn't earth shattering but it shattered my walls. Sam was the only one who made me feel that my life wasn't a total lost case. She broke through my guard and loosened me up she taught me I didn't have to be perfect I just had to be me and have fun to remember to be a kid cause that's what we were we weren't mini grownups.

My time volunteering had taught me how to spot someone in trouble and she was in it deep. What I loved about Sam was her determination to stay true to who she was no matter what people thought. She didn't have to tell me how bad her home life was I just knew and over the years I did everything I could to shelter her from it.

I don't know when I fell in love with her it wasn't like it is on TV where some chorus of angels comes singing it was slow and came in moments after moments , it started when I noticed little things like She is right handed, but punches harder with her left, wears different socks for good luck, her favorite color is brown because it´s the color of gravy, her favorite junk food is any kind of Cake, her favorite book is _Boogie Bear 3: The Return of Boogie Bear_, she hates people the most and wants to be an invisible ninja when she grows up. I started to see that she acts tough so she won't get close to people and risk getting hurt. I was the only one she opened up to. I knew I needed to get her to trust more but honestly I like being the only one she talks to cause I don't want to share her. Maybe it's selfish and cold of me cause it sure hasn't helped her any but still I love being the one she confides in. I love that it's my arms that she wants wrapped around her to comfort her.

Now I had to wonder did my self selfishness cost me my best friends sanity? Did I hurt Sam and not protect her? Was it my fault she was in this place? Where was this place? How did I get there to help her?

I was in a full blown panic attack crying and unable to breathe shaking and dizzy ready to throw up by the time she rapped on my door, somehow she pried it open and put her arms around me lifting me up I stumbled my legs refused to go. Her voice was soft as she whispered to me.

_Relax Carly it's okay I'm here now I'm going to help you babe trust in me I will deliver you.._

Flashback I was seven we were in church and the pastor was up on his podium chanting about God delivering Erica from her sins ...I remember the fear in her eyes as her parents held her down at the alter. She didn't want deliverance she wanted acceptance.

My mom was raising her fist chanting for god to grant her redemption. I was in the pew shaking with fear and confusion all these people chanting and whispering what a bad girl she was how sick she was for having these feelings. The whole time I was watching this other girl she was like 8 she sat there scared like me and all I thought about was dang she's kind of cute. I liked her style of dress she had pretty nail polish on and cute shoes.

I screamed as my legs gave out and she was there catching me my hands were so tight I couldn't move them she was whispering soothing words to me as she held me close we both sank to the floor.

Why couldn't I move? What was wrong with me? Why was my head spinning? The world went black.

Light blinded me as I woke up to see I was laying on someone's couch , I gasped scared out and she was by me in a instant.

_Carly how are you feeling?_

I looked around the apartment was amazing all decked out in urban décor with brilliant colors it was funky and fresh. The walls were lined with plaques of records and achievements. A huge chandelier hung from a deep high ceiling it shimmered in crystals the counters of the kitchen were all granite and marble. The dining room met up with the living room a huge 58 inc Tv was on the wall above the fireplace.

_Scared... _

_Relax sip some water you had a panic attack sweetie you need to calm yourself.._

She fluffed some pillows and helped me to lay down I closed my eyes as she massaged my neck and head trying to relieve some tension.

I'm not sure how long I slept for before I woke up feeling better. She was by me again with some tea and scones.

Once my stomach was full she sat by me even though I had only met her yesterday I was comfortable enough to lay my head on her shoulder.

_Why don't you start by telling me what got you so strung up ? _

_Everything it's all coming apart everything I worked so hard to protect_

_What's everything? _

_My whole Life Brittany my whole effing life _

I felt her run her hands through my hair which I always found so comforting .

Slowly the whole story spilled out to her as she sat there holding me and whispering to me. The tears never stopped spilling over and she never stopped holding me.

_Carly it's no wonder you and Sam are so tight your perfect for each other _

_How so?_

_Easy you are a perfectionist you want everything planned out and you want that plan followed to a T Sam she's a free spirit she goes with what ever life throws at her..I think it was destiny that brought you two together._

_You just need to accept who you are Carly _

_How do I do that when I don't even know what I am who I am?_

_Come with me.._

I took her hand and followed her down a hall which was a deep purple with plaques all over the wall and pictures from all over the world. She was with different people in all of them and she looked happy even drunk in some she had wild outfits on and she was partying in most. Some were taken on some kind of stage she looked so strangely familiar to me who was she?

She lead me inside to her room where a full length mirror hung she placed me in front of it and pulled my hair back wow I was a mess massacre running face pale tears stained her hands felt cool and smooth against my neck.

_I want you to stand in front of here and say these words out loud.._

_I am Carly Shay _

My lips felt dry my throat felt clogged this was stupid why was she having me do this? I knew who I was ...my chest felt tight my head hurt. My legs wobbled I just wanted to lay down.

She was staring at me waiting …I took a deep breath but my voice cracked she squeezed my arms and whispered to me " _You can do this relax your mind and your body will follow" _

Slowly I did as she said I cleared my mind and closed my eyes..

_I am Carly Shay.._

_Louder baby with more conviction say it with pride _

_I am Carly Shay_

_Say it with sass you are Carly Shay and you won't be messed with_

_I AM CARLY SHAY!_

_Perfect! _

I was breathing heavy as she rubbed my back my whole face broke into a smile as she hugged me from behind..

_Now the harder part look in the mirror and say I am gay I am bisexual whatever you are just say it.._

My heart froze how could I say it out loud? I had never admitted to anyone except Sam and Spencer this secret.

_You can do this Carly I know you can and you'll feel a whole lot better.._

My eyes closed I took a deep breath as my dad's voice filled my head my mom's words ..Brittany's voice telling me to clear it all and just feel me.

_I am Carly Shay and I am .._

_I am Gay..._

My legs gave out as she was on me in seconds arms wrapped around me. I broke down yet again as she held me rocking me whispering.

_There's no shame in this Carly don't hate yourself don't hide who you are embrace it accept it be proud of who you are you are an amazing funny smart beautiful young women.._

_Carly you are so many things so many wonderful things being gay is just one of them it doesn't make you , you it doesn't define you it's a part of who you were born as the same way you were born white , with brown eyes the same as you were born with two legs and two arms it's a part of you ..just one part ..it only matters when you let people define you as ..gay straight..bi..trans..if you own it embrace it and love yourself then no one can ever trash talk you again..it's not easy but it can be done._

The tears slowed down as she rocked me talking to me my breathing eased up as she helped me to sit up more so I could see myself in the mirror.

_Say it and mean it Carly …_

_I am Carly Shay I am Gay …_

_Now take the gay out .._

_I am Carly Shay..and I am proud!_

_Very good ...sweetie..._

She hugged me as I fell against her but not in I can't stand cause I'm too weak way I fell in relief I felt like the weight of my world had been taken off I didn't hear the chanting I didn't hear my mom or my dad I just heard my voice.


	27. Chapter 27 Rights

**Rights**

**Carly's POV**

**A/N This Chapter is By Request for ****jhuikmn08 a awesome reviewer of mine you rock**

Brittany's talk helped ease me through the day and as every day had gone since Sam's impromptu web show it was filled with comments and whispers snickers. A few girls took it beyond and corned me in the locker room when we were changing one pushed me so hard when I was trying to change my pants that I tripped and fell on my butt everyone laughed . I felt my face flushing up as they pointed and taunted me.

_Look Marcy she fell for you_ _I told ya she was a dyke just like that queer _

_What's the matter you so gay you can't even walk straight anymore?_

Standing up I balled my fist I wanted to punch her so bad but even with Brittany's talk that morning there was no way I could do that. So I just took a deep breath and pushed past them grabbing my stuff.

_Aw where you going hot stuff? Don't leave the party were just getting started_

As I was bending to grab my stuff one girl slapped my butt so hard I felt the sting like a sharp needle they laughed.

_Flabby just like her _

_Fat gay and .._

_Go to hell.._

Wendy's voice echoed out as she grabbed me I was trying to control my breathing.

_Don't you bitches have any where else to go leave Carly alone she hasn't done anything to you.._

_Yet we want to make sure she doesn't get the chance..we know how those queers role she needs to change some where else we don't want her here were good girls we don't do dirty things like this..._

_Yea right Courtney we all know you did every guy on the football basketball and field hockey team...Carly's a saint compared to you she hasn't done anything dirty being gay is not a disease you won't catch it.._

_Says you but you been around these freaks so long your prob diseased and don't know it.._

_Lets go Carls_

She lead me inside the coach's private office I didn't even want to know where she had gotten the key or how.

Before I knew it she was holding me as I cried for the hundredth time that day.

By the time I got to debate club after school I was whipped and just wanted to lay down but I had to

Step up I was the team leader for my side and even though it was only rehearse our teacher took it deadly serious.

_Carly vs Marty _

_Carly is Pro Marty is Con one one..two...Marty go.._

_I"m Marty Seinfeld and I am here to argue the rights of gay marriage ..I start with a perfect Quote.._

**"We cannot accept the view that Amendment 2's prohibition on specific legal protections does no more than deprive homosexuals of special rights. To the contrary, the amendment imposes a special disability on those persons alone. Homosexuals are forbidden the safeguards that others enjoy or may seek without constraint"**

_-Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing for the majority of the U.S. Supreme Court in the decision overturning Colorado's Amendment 2 referendum _

_Marriage is for a man and a woman god created Adam And Eve not Adam and Steve .._

_Real Marriage is... An institution for a man and a woman. Marriage is not genderless. It is a union of two different sexes, not just a union of two different people. Real marriage (a man & a woman) is not rooted in discrimination. It is rooted in common sense, for the common good. For marriage to flourish in our culture, it must be protected from redefinition; for if marriage can mean anything, it will mean nothing. No marriage that violates the man-woman standard can be real. _

_Girls Should not marry girls_

Marty was looking at me as he said this is grin was pure evil

_Guys should not marry guys in fact if we go to the bible God himself declares Homosexuality a SIN!_

God now he sounded like a preacher he was making me sick I heard the whispers and the coughs as my name was being said over and over I felt a few people poking me with sticks …

_These are just a few of the logical reasons as to why gays _

He said the word with so much disgust and venom I felt my skin crawl I felt the eyes of every student on me as he was talking some giving me sick looks others afraid to be near me.

_Thousands of years of traditional, male-female marriage, across numerous cultures and religions._

_The public health catastrophe among homosexual men._

_Numerous studies showing the importance to children of a father and a mother._

_But today let's look at biblical reasons for opposing gay marriages._

_These Scriptures may be meaningless to unbelievers._

_But these are the biblical reasons that should drive us who hold to the Word of God._

_Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God._

_God defines homosexual offenders as among "the WICKED."_

_Ephesians 5:11, KJV And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them._

_The Christian's duty is to reprove, not to ignore, that which God calls wicke_d.

Some idiot manged to cough my name as he said wicked my face flushed as I felt the tears burning in my eyes I didn't think I could stand and give my speech. I just wanted to get out of there. Marty's grin was the most wicked of everything his eyes never left mine.

_Time very well stated Marty Carly your up _

I was frozen I mean my body felt ice cold and I was dizzy. I felt sick to my stomach and my legs could barely stand but I manged to get up front all eyes on me I saw everything their faces of hate disgust and condemnation. I wanted to set them all straight but I was afraid I didn't have it in me.

I tried to conjure up what Brittany had said earlier about being proud and about not letting them define me but it's easy to do when your alone in a apartment in front of a mirror it's ten times harder to do it in front of the people you have to go to school with sit by at lunch..my fear almost made me black out but then I thought of Sam no one had stood up for her no one had made her feel her life was worth something. No one stood up for Erica when she needed them to and then there was Jamey Meyers and Jamie HuBright who was standing up for these kids?

So I took a deep breath and began

_My name is Carly Shay and I am here to argue for the Rights of Gay, Lesbian, Transgender,Bisexual People like me that's right I Carly Shay I am Gay.._

I heard gasps and some choking as I said my last statement I kept my eyes glued to their faces of shock disbelief fear anger disgust but slowly I saw something else pride happiness and acceptances, well not from everyone I saw a few people get up and leave a few shift away from me but mostly people were listening.

_The biggest and oldest argument is what my opponent so bluntly pointed out _**_Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman._**_ One even codified in a recently passed U.S. federal law. __Yet it is easily the weakest. __Who__ says who marriage is to be defined by? The married? The marriageable? Isn't that kind of like allowing a banker to decide who is going to own the money in _

_Stored in his Vaults? It seems to me that if the straight community cannot show a compelling reason to __deny__ the institution of marriage to gay people, it shouldn't be denied. And such simple, nebulous declarations are hardly a compelling reason. They're really more like an expression of prejudice than any kind of a real argument. The concept of not denying people their rights unless you can show a compelling reason to do so is the very basis of the American ideal of human rights. _

_If anything harms marriage, it is bad marriages where people don't take marriage seriously — and that's already too common with heterosexuals. If gay couples in committed relationships are able to formalize their unions as marriages, that can only serve to improve marriage overall by providing more positive role models. _

_If two people love each other, shouldn't they be allowed the same rights, privileges and responsibilities, no matter their genders? Yet, marriage is so much greater than the commitment of two people to each other. Marriage is an institution that much of our culture revolves around. It is also an institution that is in crisis. _

_Divorce rates are at an all time high. Infidelity in marriage is an epidemic. When someone can compete on a television reality show to "Marry a Millionaire", the argument about saving a sacred institution seems kind of pointless._

_Time Excellently done Carly very well thought out and planned ...as far as I can see you would win that Marty we need to talk now!_

_Class is dismissed do your homework!_

My legs were shaking as I walked back to my seat I didn't give anyone time to talk to me or approach me I grabbed my back and left.

I drove for hours unable to face going home I had won that debate sure but did it really change anyone's minds? Would school really be any different?

_Carly you okay? Your shaking in your sleep wake up Carls.._

My eyes shot open as I saw I was laying on my bed..still shaken I looked around to see Gibby standing over me worried brushing his hands over my face I sighed as the tears started again before I knew it he was laying by me holding me as I cried I couldn't believe I had just did what I did I might as well said it over the Pa system...god what would Freddie think?


	28. Chapter 28 Superstars

**Sam's POV**

**Super-Stars**

_Sam since your doing so well were moving you to the regular unit_

_Where am I?_

_High risk unit_

_Story of my life_

I looked up as Steph came inside with Britt who was smiling wide as they sat by me.

_Your doing everything we can ask of you Sam your going to therapy eating normal _

_They need more food up in here it's jank man I'm a growing girl I need food Momma loves her food!_

_Will see what we can do about that Momma_

_Thanks Brittany_

_When can I see Carly?_

_How about today?_

_Fro real?_

_Your serious I can see her today! _

I jumped up thrilled and started dancing throwing my arms around Steph's neck she stepped back laughing a bit shocked. Britt grinned rubbing my back.

_Will call Carly after we get you settled into your new room how does that sound?_

_Awesome when can I go?_

_How about now?_

_Lets go! No arguments from me_

_Well that's a first_

_Do I have a private room?_

_No in this unit we have two beds in every room you'll love your roommate though she's a gem.._

My mind flashed back to L'G I wondered where he was and how he was doing? It had been too long since I saw him.

I started to feel nervous as we walked this hall was painted like clouds with a rainbow at the end it.

Seemed peaceful I saw some rooms were full of life kids sitting on beds flipping through magazines or books some had music blasting some were talking or dancing some playing games. Some were quiet and kept to themselves but every room the door was open.

We stopped at room 403 going inside I saw it had two beds at the opposite ends of the wall two dressers

a bathroom. It was simple but had what was needed, a girl about my age lay on one of the beds Lady Gaga was blasting from the speakers. She looked up as we came inside smiling she stood up and came over.

_Hey girlfriend I was wondering when you would calm yourself down and come join us down here in fabulous land..._

I looked around which made everyone laugh

_Who you talking to son?_

_You pretty girl you _

She came over her hips swaying who the heck was she talking to? Was she crazy or something? She was acting like I had known her forever.

Without warning she tossed my hair running her hands through it ..I was starting to get irradiated now no one touches me without asking expect Carly.

_Keala this is Sam_

_Sam this is.._

She interrupted Steph holding out her hand to greet me before I could shake it she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.

_I don't do handshakes I do love which is hugs_

_Keala Queen McKeena don't you forget it_

I was speechless as Steph was laughing.

_I see Keala will take care of you Sam if you have any questions you know where my office is Keala Sam wants to make a call help her settle in and tell her the house rules._

_Yes Ma'Am Keala sure will do _

_Sit down precious _

_We must have a little chat first_

My first thought was oh god get me out of here as she pulled me down.

An hour later we were laughing like crazy she had a real knack for putting people at ease.

I learned a lot in a short time she was from New Orleans La she is the 4th of 8 kids 3 older brothers two younger sisters and two younger brothers.

The day she was born N.O was having one of the worst tropical storms it had seen well until Katrina hit that was. Keala's mom was on duty she was 7 months pregnant and still working the streets as a chief officer of the N.O P.D ...she was chasing a criminal when she doubled over in pain and went into labor she called for backup but the station was swamped with 911 calls so she had to depend on the prostitutes and drag Queens who were working that night.

Keala was delivered by the Queen of New Orleans Drag Lula Shangela who named Keala after the team effort it took to have her come into this world.

Efrain Symbol McKenna was born on Dec 25th 1992 yes Keala was born a boy...

Growing up with a mom who worked all the time a dad who split when he was born and more siblings then he could keep track of he turned to Lula as his mentor. He took to the streets where he learned to be tough how to think on his feet . In school he was picked on for being too girly he never liked sports and hated getting dirty but with three older brothers who beat him up for being too feminine and no support from his parents he took to joining a gang to get tough he didn't like feeling different even though he knew he was he liked dolls and dancing he liked singing he didn't like guns or spitting.

In the gang he started working out getting fit he got a rep for being tough no one picked on him. Yet he couldn't do what he was suppose to he couldn't hurt someone he couldn't shot someone so he was beat up and almost shot . They threw him out and tried to kill him but he was too fast and escaped.

So he went back to school and tried to fit in he liked girls even had sex with a few but he never felt comfortable in his won body. From a early age he knew he liked dressing in girls clothes instead of guys he tried on his mom's and sisters clothes and makeup.

He liked girl groups like the Spice Girls instead of boy bands his sisters mocked him his brothers made fun of him his mom told him to man up. He felt hopeless and unloved till he met this girl named Roni in 6th grade year. She did the makeup for the school plays and she taught him how to apply it pretty soon he had a knack for it and joined her backstage. Which is where he really got a chance to shine learning the moves of dances and the lyrics to songs he was a natural.

In Jr. high he tried out for the plays and landed the staring role which is where he met a boy named Andre "Dru" Parks who was openly gay. Dru opened him up to a new world he knew he was gay from a early age and his family was accepting his mom was a plastic surgeon who did gender identity changes. Through her Keala learned what it meant to be Transgender.

He did research upon research and talked to other teens and adults who had the surgery done. He saved money by working at a local McDonalds and by doing shows on the street with Shangela.

By Freshman year he had enough saved to start the change which is a long period of things.

By then the bullying was so intense he hated going to school he changed schools but it didn't stop they

Started at his new school kids from his old school found him online and stalked him on the streets.

He was depressed and tried to kill himself twice his mom kicked him out and sent him out here to live with his Aunt. Even at the new school out here he was bullied and taunted and teased he was assaulted and no one helped him they just laughed.

His aunt sent Keala here she's been here 6 months.

"_Sam!_

Carly screamed as soon as she saw me arms open she attacked me holding me so tightly I felt every heart beat every salty breathy every hot tear she was bawling as her chest shock and heaved.

_Thank god! It's been way too long I missed you god I was so worried!_

_Are you okay?_

She examined my face very carefully tears flowing freely she didn't want to let me go which was fine by me. I enjoyed being in her arms her body pressed against mine so tight I felt every movement. Every movement which turned me on so bad I wanted to scream. She smelled so amazing I wanted to lick her up and never stop.

_Cupcake settle down please I'm fine I hate seeing you so stressed out_

_I'm sorry Sam I just...when I think about how I almost lost you .._

_Shh relax_

_I can't I almost lost you forever!_

_You didn't cupcake I'm here always I'm sorry_

I ran my hands over her beautiful face kissing it

_Talk to me Carl's what's going on? How are you? Did you tell anyone?_

She fooled with her hands nervously she didn't want to look at me I grasped her hands which were white from self clenching she was worrying me more and more with every second.

_Carly baby please talk to someone I can't stand seeing you in pain it sucks holding it inside you can't let what happened to me happen to you.._

Her silence worried me had she told someone? Had she told Spencer had he reacted badly? He loved Carly he would never kick her out would he? Her body continued to be racked in sobs which got bigger

Heavier rubbing her back and cradling her I tried to calm her down ..

_Carl's what did he say?_

_H...e...s..a...i..d_

I gave her some water helping to cradle her head in my hands as she drank rubbing her back as she laid her head back down in my lap I could feel how sweaty she was. I let some water trail down her running my hand over her flat stomach she was too thin...then her arms she shivered so I pulled her close.

_Carl's your worrying me please talk to me _

_I know coming out is hard_ _but you can handle it I'm by your side_

_I know but you might not be when you find out what I did _

My fists balled up as I heard the pain and anger worry and fear in her voice I hated for Carly to hurt.

Swallowing I smiled at her as she crawled up to straddle herself in front of me..

_Can you just hold me before I tell you please?_

Anything for my cupcake she lowered herself on top of me automatically my hands ran up her shirt making her moan as I ran them over her soft warm breasts. I felt her relax as she laid closer to me her eyes were so innocent and trusting her body so warm as she pressed fully against me. I gasped as she kissed me fully my whole body was shocked as her warm soft lips pressed against my cracked ones my body heated up as her hands ran the length o my stomach to my thighs to heaven...I couldn't help the moan that escaped as I gasped it was like being shocked by a electric currency.

_Sam!_

We shot up as Steph came inside with Spencer and Gibby and Freddie...

I started to panic as Carly shot up flushed and sweating shirt undone...

What would they say? They wouldn't kick her out would they?

Suddenly Keala came in singing …

_My mama told me when I was young  
>We are all born superstars …<em>

For whatever reason it eased the tension in the room and made us all laugh.


	29. Chapter 29 Comng Back Down

**Coming Back Down**

**Sam's Pov**

_**I just can't escape  
>It's like you're here with me now<br>But the words you say  
>They always seem to fade out<br>Since you been away **_

Sitting here with everyone staring at me it was beyond mortifying I never liked to feel like some sideshow. Steph was leading the group as normal but it wasn't normal cause Carly was by my side her hand held tightly in my sweaty left hand while Freddie who hadn't said a word in the whole time they were there was across from us his eyes were locked into mine in a tight glare I had no idea what I had done to make him so pissed off but it unnerved me. Spencer looked confused as to why we were all together it wasn't the normal day for group for them.

_Sam it's pretty obvious you had feelings for Carly for a long time_

_Something has been holding you back from sharing those feelings and it's eating away at you_

_I know whatever it is has something to do with your past …_

I looked around was she serious she wanted me to share? With everyone here with Carly next to me?

Sighing I looked around it was so hard to do this I mean I hadn't thought about this in so long. Carly squeezed my hand.

_It's cuz I'm scared okay_

_No that's never a good reason to not tell someone how you feel fear is for the weak and were fabulous not weak!_

_You don't understand Keala I'm not good enough for Carly _

_I do understand baby but it's not about fear it's about you look at it this way Sam_

_Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so? _

_Being gay is just one part of it Sam you have to own it and love it love yourself_

_I do..._

My voice was weaker then normal I cussed myself silently.

_No Sam you don't none of us do cause if we did we wouldn't be here would we?_

_Were learning as we go..You are a __Child __of God, Sam he loves you love yourself like our father loves you stop with the games small games do not work in this world. Don't look for others to give you peace Find it yourself and for those around us to feel peace, we will not be a example to make ourselves small .._

_Why wouldn't you admit it to Carly Sam?_

_Even after you knew she was gay _

Freddie stared daggers at me I felt like I was inches tall..

Swallowing I allowed myself to look at him and see the pain in his eyes...he was owed a explanation...

_It's not just about fear of not being good enough it's ..Carly deserves so much more then I can give her..I can't risk hurting her .._

_Why are you afraid you'll hurt her? _

_Cause that's what I do..I hurt people and …_

_Sam you don't have to do this.._

Carly's voice was strong when had that occurred when did I become weak and Carly the strong one?

I looked into her eyes she smiled and kissed me Steph cleared her throat.

_Yea I do Carl's Fredd-nub he should know the whole truth..._

_I'm afraid I'll lose Carly like I did...Kennedy.._

_What happened Sam?_

Taking a deep breath as I sighed I closed my eyes as I remembered that time...

_**I'm just a face in the crowd  
>Someday, Someday<br>I know you're coming back …**_

_It was back in 2005 I was 12 ..Mom she was at her worst partying all the time drinking and having sex she kicked me out every night and when I was allowed home she was beating on me constantly..her boyfriends kept doing things to me so I left all the time..I was angry and acting out I was arrested 9 times between June and October.. I was skipping school and on house arrest I was drinking stealing and doing drugs. I was so messed up I spent tons of times down at Capital hanging out with Bray and L'G and Austin and Kennedy...She was 17 she was a senior in school and respected by everyone she was smoking hot...Austin use to tease her all the time calling her princess and queen..she never let him have it I mean she teased him back calling him sissy and geek but she was never mean ya know she was being a typical sister..I envied them cause Mel and I we hadn't talked in a long time..I was just so angry …_

_Kennedy she was out and proud she was wild I liked that we use to sneak out and go to places that we weren't suppose to go to she was fun and sweet..but she was Austin's sister and he was creeped out by this he begged me not to see her ...and as much as I liked her ...I really loved Austin as a friend..he was close to my age and we shared a lot Austin thought he was gay and we talked about it a lot he was scared cause his parents didn't approve of Kennedy...they called Austin their golden child his parents were fighting all the time and I knew he was scared his dad kept leaving ...Kennedy she would take off all the time which worried Austin...so I would stay with him we played cards we searched stuff on the computer we watched TV listened to music..we spent a lot of time in his tree house we shared our dreams..._

_Austin was my best friend next to Carly but he was available when she wasn't Spencer kept her on a curfew which Austin and I didn't have his mom worked late his dad was never around..._

_We were free ...Austin confided in me about how bullied he was how he was asking for help but no one cared..I tried to get him to get help I knew he was depressed but he was stubborn and I didn't know where to go.._

_So out of desperation I turned to Kennedy she was drunk the night I came over I knew Austin was at band practice and wouldn't be home till late...She was upset cause her dad had moved out she had walked in on her parents having a huge fight and he took his stuff and left..her mom was yelling at her and throwing things so Kennedy left when she got home no one was there so she raided the liquor Cabinet by the time I got there she was wasted..it was so hard to see her in that much pain she was always so strong...I did everything I could to comfort her...we stared talking and somehow she kissed me...I had never kissed a girl before ..I kind of knew I was gay but I had never tried to ..find out I was scared after everything I had seen and heard I didn't want to be gay ...to be different...to be hated..but Kennedy she tasted like Cherry Chapstick with Cream . I remember she had music playing and it felt wrong in a way when I kept hearing everyone's voices in my head..but when I let go and just went with what my heart felt it ..well it felt so right she made my heart beat and she made me happy..her hands had traveled up my stomach and went to my breasts which there wasn't much there ..but she was fully developed and when I undressed her I didn't feel dirty or ashamed I just felt like I was doing what I was suppose to ...she was beautiful I remember her saying just go with this Sam we were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us she told me there was no shame in pleasing ourselves even if others thought we were wrong they were the ones who were wrong...when I laid her down and crawled on her she didn't stop me she kissed me and took my clothes off and I knew Austin would be pissed but I wanted her so bad...I couldn't stop..I didn't want to ..we made love for hours that night..Kennedy was my first..and it hurt so bad at first but she made me feel so good I forgot about the pain..._

_After we had...ya know ...we lay there holding each other she was crying saying she needed me and she wanted me...It left me confused cause I wanted her to and yet I knew Austin he couldn't take any more pain or betrayal but my heart ...I told her I would be there always..she was so happy we made love for another two hours..._

_We saw each other in between classes we skipped most of our classes we hung out drinking and smoking Carly was always on me to go to school yet she knew how much Kennedy meant so she let us use her room after school when Austin was at Band but she pressured me to come clean she knew Austin was bound to find out but I didn't listen to her and I should of.._

_Austin walked in on us one day on us and he was pissed we had a huge fight and he threw me out he _

_went as far as telling his parents and they exploded telling my mom who flipped out ….she beat me within a inch of my life the cops had to be called to stop her...I was so mad I couldn't see Kennedy and I felt betrayed by Austin I confronted him in school and we had another huge fight we both said things we shouldn't of..._

_I was removed from my house and placed in a children' s home which btw suck butt crack...Carly was there for me of course she never told me I told you so or anything she just stuck by me...I missed Austin so bad he always made me laugh and made me think he got me in ways no one even Carly did..I missed Kennedy as well so bad I started to hurt myself ...Carly was the one who convinced me to go to him and say I was sorry which wasn't easy...but I missed him and I was the one who lied..._

_So I did but no one would answer the door I knocked till my hand was bloody I screamed but no one heard me so I figured I would give it time. I remember pausing at the side of the house as this feeling passed through me it left me shivering, I looked to the side and wondered should I go in back? ..I went to Capital for a while..then around 6 when I figured everyone would be home I went back ..by the time I got there..._

_There were sirens everywhere..police, ambulances, firetrucks, it was insane ..I started screaming..I ran but a officer held me back ...then .._

My voice shock as I started telling this part my whole body was on fire as I remembered..Carly was around me in seconds as the tears over took me..the guilt the pain it was all like it had just happened..

_They came out with the stretcher it was covered in a white sheet anyone that grows up where we did we know white is for kids and teens black is for grownups...I screamed and screamed I tried to break through but they wouldn't let me..all I could do was watch while they loaded the body into the ambulance and drove away..no sirens...I remember how the lights swirled against the tiles of the house I heard their dad screaming as he banged on walls..I saw their mom standing there white faced as she held a baby blanket...her eyes tore into mine as I screamed kicking and hitting but the officer held me strong dragging me into a cops car...all the times I had been in the backseat I was never more scared more numb and it was the one time I hadn't done anything..._

_They took me to Carly's and the whole night she held me and let me cry..I didn't know what had happened ..Who had died but my heart broke the same..._

The tears over took me again as Carly held me even Freddie dropped to his knees as Carly lowered me to the ground both holding me.

_**Down in the dirt,  
>With your blood on my hands.<br>I blacked out,  
>But now I do understand,<br>That you were too good,  
>For this world so you left it.<br>Everything turned red,  
>And then you made an exit. <strong>_

Carly started to tell the story then as she rocked me holding Freddie's hands..

_Everything was going through my mind as I held Sam I knew what she was going through. I had lost my mom when I was younger it was the worst pain I had ever felt...I never wanted anyone to feel that way..I kept trying to get her to hope maybe it wasn't that bad...but she was sure ..she had seen the white sheet covered the whole body...still she went along and we made up games theory's over what had happened we got pretty creative to..._

_Then the next morning Spencer came in with the paper...he was white as he sat by us he didn't have any funny stories or bad jokes no pranks just hugs as he handed us the paper..._

_I can still remember the words written on the paper …_

_14 year old Austin Steven Noel was found late Saturday Night December 17th in his bedroom by his sister Kennedy Noel 17 an apparent suicide by hanging ..Austin was a freshman at Ridgeway High school..._

_I was in shock as I held Sam I mean yea I knew it was prob I knew it wa...I mean you just never expect it to be someone you know ya know you never ..well kids their just not suppose to die..it's unnatural.._

_**I don't even know,  
>If it was your <strong>**time****.  
>But like all good things,<br>That pass you by,  
>Just like a lost soul,<br>In the time of need.  
>It made me grow up fast,<br>And put some blood on my knees.  
>And you don't even know<br>It's beyond you.**_

_How could I comfort her when I was so torn...she blamed herself..and I should have been there to help her she was in hell facing the fact that she was gay she had lost her best friend ...Kennedy she went crazy she got arrested and sent to Juvie.. she blamed herself she never forgave herself and she blamed Sam she lashed out at her at his funeral..._

_She hit her and called her a slut and a murder she made it seem like everything was Sam's fault ..it wasn't but she was only 12 she didn't have the experience to grasp it... the funeral it brought back so many memories for me of my mom it messed me up and I sank into a deep depression I missed Sam going through her own...I didn't know she was so swallowed up by Austin's death not till..._

_**Thinking you could never die,  
>Like you're bulletproof.<br>So I guess you had to leave,  
>You were born with wings.<br>But you were never **__**happy**__**,  
>'Til the angels sing.<strong>_

_She tried to kill herself I found her in my room in her own blood...she had shot herself ...by the time I had gotten her to the hospital she was almost dead...if I had been a few minutes later she would have __been.._

_**I just can't escape  
>It's like you're here with me now<br>But the words you say  
>They always seem to fade out<br>Since you been away  
>I'm just a face in the crowd<br>Someday, Someday  
>I know you're coming back down<br>Someday, Someday  
>I know you're coming back down<strong>_

_I knew she was haunted by Austin by the words she never got to say by the words she did say but I just didn't know how to help her...__**  
><strong>_

_**I'm ashes to ashes,  
>I'm dust to dust.<br>And when a man turns to ashes,  
>Forget about love.<br>Like the feeling inside you,  
>With the bottle beside you.<br>You both end up empty  
>Like an angel just died too.<br>I look to the heavens,  
>To the sky,<br>And the rest.  
>I looked inside myself,<br>I felt my heart in my chest.  
>Somethings are born blue,<br>There's nothing to say.  
>Some hearts can stay true,<br>When falling away.  
>Come lay down beside me,<br>What could one life mean?  
>It's only what I've seen,<br>It's only just one dream.  
>Tell my baby I love her,<br>And I wish I could hold her.  
>It's hard to say goodbye,<br>When you know that it's over **_

_If it wasn't for Bray and L'G I don't think Sam would be here they helped me find ways to help her deal with the aftermath...they taught her to love herself and accept her for who she was...Bray was the one who said w__hile we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.' I _

_Have been using that as Sam's motto since I made her say it everyday till she believed it …_

_I came up with the idea of her going to his grave and talking to him I went with her even though it was _

_Hard it always strikes me the gap between his birth and death it's too short..._

_**I just can't escape  
>It's like you're here with me now<br>But the words you say  
>They always seem to fade out<br>Since you been away  
>I'm just a face in the crowd<br>Someday, someday  
>I know you're coming back down<br>Someday, someday  
>I know you're coming back down<br>One day, one day  
>I know you're coming back down <strong>_

_I didn't know she went everyday after that for years but it was what gave her the strength to go on to find love again...she even wrote a poem which she kept hidden. I found it recently I meant to ask her about it but life was so busy I never took the time..I wish I had...maybe I would of seen how sad she had been..._

_Sam do you know which poem she's talking about?_

I bite my lip as I nodded ..

_Would you share?_

I Sighed as I nodded...my throat was raw but after a few gulps of water I closed my eyes seeing the words perfectly..

_I went to your grave today _

_Dec 17th 2005 was the day that day that you went away _

_The day my life forever changed I think of you everyday, I wish I could go back and speak the words I never got to say..I'm sorry yet Sorry wouldn't erase your pain._

_I wonder how you are , I hope you are in a place safe from the pain, no tears , no fears. _

_So much rage when I think of the things I have gotten to do that you can never. I wonder what you would look like today who would you be what music would make you dance what jokes would make you laugh. _

_Regret Fills my soul when I look back at that week if I had only taken the time to Say Sorry would you have found the strength to talk to me maybe you wouldn't of tied that rope. Could I have given you hope?_

_It seems silly I mean could words save a broken soul? Maybe Since it was words that broke your young _

_Soul. Only four-teen never got to see 15. They say don't waste time in a moment it could be gone but I was barely 13, I didn't see past the now..Now I wish I had known what I didn't see then. I wouldn't of wasted a minute I Wish I had taken the time to go around the Side Maybe I would of been in time._

**[A/N The characters of Austin and Kennedy are fictional as well as the story but they are based on a real life experience when I was barely 13 my best friend killed himself after a fight we had which had nothing to do with the fight that took place between Austin and Sam but the fact remains words we shouldn't of said were exchanged and I never got to make up with him. Don't waste a moment cause moments come and go and sometimes you don't get another moment. **

**I miss You Steve..I think of you everyday ...R.I.P Baby shine your bright light up in heaven their lucky to have such a beautiful soul..**

**Feb 4th 1978-Dec 17th 1992**


	30. Chapter 30 Glory

**Glory**

**Sam's Pov**

I couldn't believe I had been out for weeks already I was still tired form the meds but over all I was doing well , school was still the same hell but I was stronger I had Carly by me and when we walked in holding hands it felt powerful.

Not that it made a bit of difference when they saw us walk in kids immediately split pushing themselves against lockers coughing out slurs like Homo's and dykes... we were still shoved spit at and had our lockers sprayed with nasty names and insults...yet it didn't make me want to die in fact it made me angry and it made me want to live even more...

Every day after school we went to laugh...we met with Steph for group ..we talked we came up with ideas to help the youth...

Carly and Freddie had a great plan...at some point Freddie had come across this kid named Jamey who was a iCarly fan who was bullied relentlessly so they had responded to him by making a web-cast. He had seen it and responded for weeks him and Carly and Freddie had been emailing and I'ming. I thought it was brilliant so I went through my messages and started answering other fans like this kid who blogged about me all the times...Jamie HuBright...

Still I wanted more when I was talking to Steph and Brittany they suggested using iCarly ...after weeks of brain storming we had the idea..while Carly was in debate club after school and Freddie in Av club..I went to Laugh to do some research...

**Carly's Pov**

After school was strange now no Sam any more she was staying out of trouble as she worked on improving her grades. Freddie and I we were barely talking. Today was even stranger school had to be let out early when the fire alarm was set off...so we had decided to grab smoothies ...he was still being a gentleman holding my books wrapping his arm around my waist but I knew I had hurt him bad..

_Freddie I really am sorry I should have been honest with you I mean you deserved it_

_Yea I did Carly and it hurts to know that you used me just like Sam did ..but I get it to you were scared it's not easy to come out...and it's not my place to tell you how to do it or yell at you. I wish you had told me before you announced it to the whole flipping school it sucks to find out my girlfriend is gay through a splash-face video...but again I get it ..I'm not mad Carly..hurt ..yes..but I love you and that won't change and I want you to be happy...if Sam makes you happy then at least I know you'll be safe..I'm sorry for my reaction Carly I was just so blinded and I was a jerk.._

I looked at him was he for real? He had come over to tell me about Jamey and after we did the web-cast I had gone down to get drinks when someone sent him a video text and he saw the video on Splash-face of me coming out , god the look in his eyes as he watched and looked at me the light had gone out and he had gone pale and shaky his voice had been filled with such hate and anger ..We had fought ..

_Why Carly? Why couldn't you of been honest?_

_I get you were scared I'm not mad that your gay but why did you use me? _

_Your no better then Sam ...I can't believe you would lie your such a hypocrite You make me sick_

_Do I have a sign on me Saying sucker? What is with you Lesbians! _

_Freddie please I'm sorry I was so confused I .._

_Save it Carly I'm so done!_

_Freddie let me.._

The cold feel of his palm still stung against my check but it was the pain and tears that were clogging his throat that killed me.Gibby had stepped in between us..

_You need to chill man for real_

_Stay out of it Gibby this is between me and ...This...Liar_

I screamed as Freddie tried to grab me and Gibby rushed forward shoving him down wrestling him out of the room.

_Don't come back till you can act civil _

_Leave Carly alone you have no idea what she's going through.._

_What are you her protector? _

_Someone has to be since Sam can't and her own Boyfriend is a brain dead moron who's only thinking with his lower member..._

_You can have her I'm done with this..._

I shuddered remembering as I looked at him now was he tricking me or something? I looked into his eyes. I didn't see venom or hate or even disgust I just saw a 17 year old kid who was scared and lonely and wanted to be loved.

I swear I never loved someone as much as I did Freddie at that moment I was beyond grateful to have him as a friend ..without thinking I quickly kissed his check making him blush as he shoved me inside.

The next few hours we laughed and talked just like we had every other day we didn't cry or feel any

Fear we just were normal teens.. 

_I'm grabbing a smoothie for Sam Carly want another? _

_Sure I have to pee get me whatever.._

_Kay_

Where was Sam? Why hadn't she called? I was worried she always called me when she got to laugh and when she left she knew I worried about her and quite frankly I didn't trust her fully yet.

After I peed I checked my messages nothing new sighing frustrated I went to find Freddie who told me to chill she was probably eating her way through Seattle.

His tone changed when we walked in my apartment to see Sam sitting stone faced white sitting on my couch crying into Spencer's lap...he looked lost and speechless as we went over full of questions ..She just held up some print outs..

Freddie took them and a gasp left his lips..

**Freddie's POV**

_I'm a Roasted Chicken on a stick _

_I'm a hamper! _

_And this is iCarly!_

_Random Dancing!_

Out came Gibby dressed as a hamster he was kind of cute_ ..._They started dancing funky ..

_Okay cyber geeks freaks and all you other creatures today on iCarly we have a point which I know is .._

Sam pressed a button that sent gasps ringing out Carly giggled god she was so beautiful...

_In all seriousness tonight's show is dedicated to two very special iCarly fans.._

_We want to tell you all a bit about them..._

Carly stepped forward clearing her throat..

_Jamey Meyers is a 14 year old who loved Lady Gaga, iCarly, hamsters, cats any animal really he liked to write and he liked to have fun and make people laugh...Jamey also liked Boys..Yes Jamey was a openly gay teenager who was bullied and tormented everyday for standing up for who he was..Jamey and I had been talking for awhile ...he was troubled and scared over his daily harassment and I was trying to give him hope ..I wanted him to know he was special and loved and he was needed..I came out because of kids like Jamey...But some people felt Jamey wasn't special and they made sure he knew it he posted in his blog three days ago this message..._

_I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens. What do I have to do so people will listen to me?'_

_'No one in my school cares about preventing suicide, while you're the ones calling me Fag and Queer and tearing me down.'_

_He put up a separate post that day letting everyone know it was National Suicide Prevention Week._

_But still no one listened. _

_Last Saturday night he posted a lyric from Lady Gaga's song The Queen on his Facebook page which said: 'Don't forget me when I come crying to heaven's door.'_

_On 1.30am on Sunday morning, he left two final messages on one of his blogs saying he was looking forward to seeing his great grandmother, who recently died, and another thanking Lady Gaga._

_These were Jamey's Final words.._

_ladygaga Bye mother monster, thank you for all you have done, paws up forever,' _

_Jamey killed himself this weekend and his death was preventable Jamey didn't have to die if people only took the time to love one another and listen and accept kids like Jamey wouldn't feel alone isolated and suicidal..._

Sam stepped forward and hugged Carly as she took a deep breath...

_I'm loud I'm rude..I heard them all but what I am not is stupid ..even I know a change needs to be made...people say I don't care but I do more then they know..._

_You fans are my main reason to fight as hard as I do and I am heart sickened cause this week we lost two little monsters.._

_Jamie Eric HuBright 15 years old with the brightest red hair you could ever see you could see him coming a mile a way but what shone even brighter? Easy his personality Jamie was a lover a fighter for his rights he was a activist..he was funny and sweet Jamie loved to preform and he was damn good he was a little fire cracker on stage he could do any voice match any dance move he was lighting and he knew it..he had big dreams he had plans for his life ..he studied hard and had many friends...Jamie..loved who he was he was proud to be gay and to stand up for who he was no matter how many people tried to tear him down..._

_He often blogged about the bullying like this Splash-face post_

"_It's so hard,""I'm sorry, I can't take it anymore."_

_Jamie described having a problem with cutting that left his arms scarred, and he praised his parents in his final note but said he couldn't wait the three years before he'd graduate from high school._

_"People said 'it gets better,'" likely having seen the video campaign meant to encourage kids to outlast bullying. "It's f...g bullshit._" 

_Jamie told me he was seeing a psychologist, was on medication, but his problems didn't disappear. He talked more frequently about feeling ostracized and __alone__ than being bullied._

_"I hate being the only open gay guy in my school," he had written "It f...g sucks, I really want to end it. Like all of it."_

_But he was certainly bullied._

"_Being open does not help at all," he wrote before the school year started. "Yeah, someone will call me a fag. But one after the other, after the other … I can tell on them … Yeah. But they don't give a shit. They'll come back after their suspension (fun day at home, __free__ day at school) and continue calling me a fagot. I'm not ready." _

"_I wish I could be happy, I try, I try, I try ... I just want to feel special to someone," he wrote. I understand Jamie's pain more then any one should ever have to I spent many days alone and scared ..it's only recently that I have come to see how beautiful I am how beautiful life is..._

_He was, of course, special to many people but, tragically, the Grade 10 student took his own life on Saturday._

_The scary fact is this Suicide is the second-leading cause of death for Canadians between the ages of 10 and 24 and disproportionately affects gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth._

_Teen suicide is a major cause of death among teens, though many do not recognize suicide as a serious threat to a teenager's well being._

_In the USA Suicide is the third leading cause of death among adolescents and teenagers. According to the National Institute for Mental Health (NIMH), about 8 out of every 100,000 teenagers committed suicide in 2000. For every teen suicide death, experts estimate there are 10 other __teen suicide attempts._

_In a survey of high school students, the National Youth __Violence Prevention__ Resource Center found that almost 1 in 5 teens had thought about suicide, about 1 in 6 teens had made plans for suicide, and more than 1 in 12 teens had attempted suicide in the last year. As many as 8 out of 10 teens who commit suicide try to ask for help in some way before committing suicide, such as by seeing a doctor shortly before the suicide attempt._

_Don't think it can't happen to you or someone you know cause it sure can I know it happened to me..don't think that because someone seems happy that they are...most kids and teens will try to cover up their sadness so they don't worry their friends or family...Jamie's friend Steph said to ET From the outside, he looked like the happiest kid. He was always smiling and giving everybody hugs in the halls," Steph was a close friend who had known Jamie since the pair were in figure skating together as children a decade ago._

_But Steph, 16, knew the sensitive boy was struggling with being out in high school and often felt the sting of verbal bullying. She said all that Jamie wanted was what every teenager wants — somebody to love._

"_I just remember him wanting a boyfriend so bad, he'd always ask me to find a boy for him. I think he wanted someone to love him for who he was," she said._

_The blog postings are interspersed with angst-filled quotes and startling images of self-harm — gathered from all over the web, as well as other pictures of celebrities, clothing and men kissing passionately._

_There's a stark disconnect between the heaviness of the words and emotions expressed and the relative lightness of the pictures and what they suggest about a young man figuring out, accepting and perhaps celebrating his own sexuality._

_On Friday, Jamie made a final, heartbreaking post._

_He ended with another reference, this one to Glee and a subplot this season about Kurt Hummel, a character who is also openly gay and highly talented._

"_Remember me as a Unicorn," he wrote._

_On the show, the unicorn refers to someone who is different, but special inside. Jamie was special and he will be remembered both Jamey's, Jamie's will be remembered by us and we hope by you our iCarly fans.._

Wendy her friends , Mystic, Toronto , L'G Bray, Cassie, Janelle, Brittany , Steph, Keala, Lady GaGa all came out. I set it on Auto and stepped out along with Brad and a dancing hamster.

_Were setting up a special website to end teen suicide inspired by It Gets Better were calling it COCUP it stands for Coming Out Coming Up Proud ..were asking everyone to share their stories through blogs video's anyway you can were also having weekly meetings for anyone in the Seattle Area to come and gather we need to take action we need young people to know It Gets Better...you don't have to die to be accepted..._

_3..2..1...were clear..._

Sam and Carly collapsed on the bean bags as Gibby was dancing still in his hamster suit...Brad and Wendy high fived...

I looked around at everyone and smiled after all we had been through we were alright after all..

_Momma's hungry go get her food nub.._

_Get it yourself Puckett.._

_Ah no pillow fight! My hair!_

Carly screamed ducking as Sam and I started beating each other with pillows Carly crawled out of the way as Brad and Wendy laughed picking up pillows...

_Get her!_

Dedicated to Two Bright young Men who never saw the rainbow beyond their darkest hours **Jamey Rodemeyer** (March 21, 1997 – September 18, 2011)

And **Jamie Hubley** November 23rd 1995-October 15th 2011.

You are missed You Are Remembered we are inspired by you Shine Bright beyond heaven's gates while We fight for your rights you never got to see come to life...


End file.
